One Day At A Time

Photo Friday!

2012-01-27T09:00:00.000-06:00

January 2009
Marisa's Bachelorette Party in Mexico

August 2011
Christy and Ricky's Wedding

"TRY THIS" Tuesday!

2012-01-24T09:00:00.014-06:00

ok-betong.blogspot.com

Cowboy Caviar

Recipe courtesy of my fabulous co-worker!

TOPPING

16 ounces black beans - rinsed and drained
4 ounces chopped black olives - drained, if excess liquid
1 small onion - finely chopped
2 cloves garlic - minced
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon ground cumin
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 Tablespoons vegetable oil

BASE
16 ounces cream cheese, softened (Substitute reduced fat for less calories)
1/2 cup mild salsa

Mix the Topping the night before (or atleast a good couple of hours before to mix/marinate well together). Mix the Base together and spread on a large plate. Top with bean mixture. Serve with Tostitos.

This has a YUM factor of about 10! ENJOY!

Get Motivated Monday!

2012-01-23T11:26:00.000-06:00

Switching some stuff up! If I have time throughout the week, I'm going to post little blogs instead of trying to post one big one each week. Get Motivated Monday will be about motivation- Motivational pictures, quotes, stories, songs, etc. Try This Tuesday will be either pinterest ideas, recipes, hair styles, etc. Weighty Wednesday will be my personal progress and just updates on anything weight related. And then Photo Friday where I'll add some photos from the week or some pics that I've taken.
So without further ado, here's my first Monday post!

http://bitsotruth.blogspot.com/

Happy Monday!

Week 115

2012-01-18T14:26:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 115

Week In Review

Music: will.i.am ‘The Hardest Ever’ – Great workout song!

Ahh the New Year has come in with a bang! That’s for sure. I’ve missed 2 weeks of blogging so wanted to make sure I gave a little update about what’s been going on. (And since I like lists SOOO much, here is another one!)

1. Been doing well on the New Years Resolutions for the most part. Haven’t smoked. No pop. Took a picture in manual mode (the Bokeh picture of the tree and ornaments above) but have no idea how to replicate it! Didn’t get the part time position with the IRS because I couldn’t work full time but have established a pretty good plan with finances. Since I got a Kindle Fire for Christmas, I’ve downloaded some “spiritual” books and have one about half way finished. Still need to work on doing something with the blog to keep it a little more interesting. The one thing that I have not done well AT ALL so far this year is relaxing and being more positive. I blame work 100% for that! But I’m trying and that counts for something!

2. Already been sick. TWICE. And I normally never get sick. So needless to say, I’ve had a lot of down time, missed workouts, missed work, no energy. I am somewhat back to normal now but it’s been about 6 days.

3. WORK. Just when I thought that the stress and the changes and the uncertainty were gone……BAM! Big switch up the first day back for 2012! Lots of things that I didn’t want to hear and a lot of things that make me feel like I’m going backwards and getting me NO WHERE. It’s hard when something that consumes such a huge part of your life makes you feel inadequate, unappreciated, and undervalued. Ahh, if only I could Pinterest my whole life! HA!

4. If I haven’t already expressed this, I HATE WEIGHT. I hate everything about it. I hate that it goes up. I hate that it goes down. I hate that I have to worry about it every. Single. Day. Of. My. Life. I hate that some people don’t have to worry about it every. Single. Day. Of. Their. Life. I could make a full 7 page blog post on all things I hate about weight. But the truth and the reality of the situation is that I have to hate weight or else I’ll be 316 pounds again. I have to worry about it or else I’ll be at 316 pounds again. I have to watch it go up and down and figure out how and why it’s going up and down or else I’ll be at 316 pounds again. I know some people understand what I’m talking about and some don’t but needless to say…..it’s exhausting and frustrating and just never ending. BUT. BUT. BUT. When I worry about it, make it a daily habit to worry about it, the number goes down. I’ve been taking a picture of my weight and weighing myself daily. I’ve been tracking every single thing that I eat each day. I’ve been planning ahead and organizing my weekly routines. And you know what? The weight has gone down. Yes I hate that I’m worried about my weight each morning and I hate that I have to remember and write down what I eat each day and I hate that I have to pre-cook and pre-plan the weeks meals every single Sunday but the truth is in the number! When I do those things, I see results and I see success.

5. On a lighter note, a few weeks ago, someone put flowers on my windshield! Still have no idea who they’re from or what they were for but someone gave me roses! No note. No card. No message. Just some red roses! So the mystery still remains unsolved……HA!

6. I put some pics up from New Years! We had a blast! The theme was Cowboys and Indians and it was quite entertaining! A great end to a great year! Hope you all have been having a great start to the New Year!

Quote of the week:

“It’s a good day to have a good day!”

Happy New Year! Week 112

2011-12-29T16:17:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 112

Week In Review

Music: ‘The Best is Yet to Come’ by (wait for it……..) Michael Buble!

Hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas! My Christmas was just amazing as always! Great company, great food, great memories, great presents! Another year of being embarrassingly spoiled at 27 years of age! I’m a pretty lucky girl to say the least.

So since this is the time to be reviewing the past year and making new goals for the next, I decided I should go back through my blog/calendar and see what I could find. This year I have traveled to Nashville for Holly’s bachelorette party, Hermann, MO for Becky’s bachelorette party, and St Louis, MO for Christy’s bachelorette party. All were unforgettable! My brother finally got married! Christy got married! Jill got married! Went to the lake with my family which is starting to be one of my favorite traditions. Had our annual trip lake trip to Bull Shoals with my friends. Experienced a TON of challenges and changes at work as well as moving into a whole new work environment. That’s still taking some getting used to. Sweet Baby Colter was born in August! Found out about numerous pregnancies this year but have yet to meet any of the new arrivals! SOON though! Went to New York and marked off an item on my bucket list. Went to Kenny Chesney at Arrowhead and Farmaid to see the love of my life……Dave Matthews. Celebrated many birthdays and holidays with my amazing family and friends. Ohhhhhhh, and I FINISHED A HALF-MARATHON! Definitely a highlight of the year for me, personally. Every single mile was an accomplishment for me to say the least. I looked back through my weigh-ins as well. On 01/13/2010 it was 210.8 and this morning it was 229.4. Not where I want the number to be but in perspective, my weight on 11/20/2009 was 316.5 pounds. Regardless, it’s been a wonderful year and as you can tell, I’m extremely fortunate and blessed.

As for next year. Let’s get this shit started! I’m ready! And as per tradition, I’ve put together the 12 things I want to accomplish in 2012. I’m not sure I’ve shared my resolutions to the “blog world” before but there’s a first time for everything!

1. Wear a size 12. Note. This does not include a weight. Why? Because there is way too much emphasis on getting to my goal weight, how much I’ve lost, how much I still need to lose. There is not enough emphasis on the fact that if I exercise and watch what I eat, I WILL wear a size 12. 100%. Yes the weight matters but my weight is NOT a stopping point in this journey and before I never realized that. True life realized that. I don’t need a number to tell me I’ve been eating the wrong things and not exercising enough. I KNOW. If I make too big of an emphasis on 175, I’m going to do the same thing I did when I hit the 100 pound mark. Celebrate. Indulge. Be back right where I am now. Not realizing that as cliché as it sounds, it’s not a diet…it’s a lifestyle change.

2. Talk to a counselor. Even if that means just sitting down with someone and trying it out. I’ve only talked to a counselor once before when I was in college going through some things. I poured my heart out, cried, made myself completely vulnerable and then the first thing out of this guy’s mouth was “Have you found Jesus?” As much as I respect other people’s religious views and their beliefs, hearing “Have you found Jesus?” was about the very last thing that I wanted to hear. For some people, that might have been the perfect start but for me, not so much. So I left shortly after that and haven’t talked to anyone since. I know it would be nice to just talk and have some neutral feedback. I have some people in mind already but it’s just about taking that first step!

3. Go on a date. I know I’ve gone on a date before (TWO to be exact!) but I need to freaking wake up! It’s time! I need to get my ass in gear! And sitting around wishing and hoping isn’t going to cut it. NOT dating will mean I’ll NEVER date anyone! It’s kind of a simple fact. So this one is a good one to put on the list. In terms of ranking, this resolution will be my most difficult. Maybe the counselor will be able to help with the “why” part of that…….

4. Take pictures on my camera in manual mode! SCARY, right?! But that is something I definitely want to accomplish by the end of the year. The other night I did make some “Bokeh” though! I squeaked a little once I saw the results!

5. Run at least 5 races this year. No I am not mentioning a distance. Just want to accomplish 5. So far I’m thinking St Patty’s Day run in Westport, Susan G Komen race in KC, and of course the Turkey Trot. As for the other two, I’ll need to get thinking. If you want to join me on any of them, PLEASE do so! The more the merrier! Makes the finish line that much more exciting!

6. Get my shit together financially. I’m already one step ahead on this by living with my parents but if I’m not making any headway, what is the point! I’ve also applied for a second job with the IRS and should be finalizing that shortly. It’s only a temporary deal but it will definitely help. I’m a very smart person when it comes to tracking my finances and paying my bills but I’m also a VERY compulsive, instant gratification, type of person. And sometimes that heavily outweighs the smart side desperately wanting to be living debt free. I know I will get there someday but someday is not soon enough. The solution is that it CAN be though and I CAN be there. I’ve got the right template set up, that’s for sure.

7. Stop drinking diet coke. Not sure how this is going to pan out. I saw another fellow blogger who is attempting the same feat. He bought a huge case of water and flavored all of them with crystal light, popped them in the fridge, and there you have it! Convenience and a plan! Wish me luck on this one!

8. I’ve been debating putting this on the list but here goes. TRULY stop smoking. This past year I’ve been lighting people’s cigarettes for them which leads to taking a few puffs which leads to sharing a cigarette with someone which leads to me having my own cigarette. I have not gone out and bought a pack of cigarettes since November 2009 which is an accomplishment of sorts. But I can’t really say that I’ve stopped smoking to anyone that asks if I truly haven’t stopped smoking. It’s the hardest habit in the world to break if you ask me. Probably not so much for a meth addict or a crack fiend but cigarettes are the freaking devils candy! You always want just one more. And I regret it. Every. Single. Time. Like true depressed, WTF is your problem, regret. So to hold myself accountable, I’m putting it on the blog. Last cigarette- December 23rd.

9. Take on a more spiritual side. I think I need to pursue some different avenues of thinking. Probably not going to start studying the bible or going to church every Sunday but I at least want to start being more informed or more open to looking at life in a big picture type of way.

10. Make blogging more fun and uplifting and rewarding to anyone that is reading it. As well as making it more fun, uplifting, and rewarding to myself. Of course the main focus of my blog has been the weight loss part of it but sometimes I start writing and I get very deep and dark sometimes. No one wants to read that stuff. But I do think that this could be a much more creative outlet for me than it already is. And I intend to start focusing more in that direction from now on.

11. Relax. Take a chill pill. Stop taking life so seriously and start enjoying the moments of NOW. I’ve realized this so much in the last month or so. Only because it’s been pointed out to me! Not because I dug down deep and really analyzed myself! Instead of enjoying what is happening right in front of me, I’m worried about what the future is going to hold. And it’s normally not something that I’m actually looking forward to; in the most recent cases, going back to work! But while we were in New York I was dreading coming back home. I just wanted to stay there! I obviously enjoyed the hell out of NY but at the same time, all I could think about was how sad is was going to be when we left! But I just need to CHILL. Enjoy. Take-it-all-in. Slow………down………..

12. Take each day ONE DAY AT A TIME!

And just because this seems crazy to me, my blog has been viewed 14,280 times since I first started in December 2009! Of those 14,000, the viewers are from the following places: United States 11,398, Canada 661, Australia 476, Germany 242, United Kingdom 209, Russia 91, Denmark 90, Slovenia 67, Japan 59, and France 56! How super cool is that! I only hope that my blog offers some sort of advice to anyone in the weight loss world. And helps you realize that you’re not alone. I’m not an expert or some magical weight-loss guru BUT I DO know what it’s like to be unhappy with your weight and the struggles that come along in the loss stages as well as the gaining stages. I DO know that losing weight and feeling healthy have been the most rewarding experiences I’ve had so far in my life. It’s all been worth it. The ups and the downs. (Figuratively and literally.) I wish all of you a Happy New Year and I’ll catch ya’ on the flip side!

Quote of the week:

“There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

Week 111

2011-12-21T14:08:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 111

Week In Review

Music: Grown up Christmas List by Michael Buble- He is my Christmas music “theme” this year!

Some highlights from the past week:

-Took Landon to his first movie this past weekend! He seemed like he was pretty amazed by the whole thing. Sat in my lap the whole movie, would point over to the lights on the floor about every 45 seconds and go “Baa”, and then would bounce up and down to the music whenever it would come on! I sure do love this little guy!

-After we (Hazel, Landon and I) got done with the movie, we went to my parents house and put together a gingerbread house. AKA…..I put together a gingerbread house! Maybe 5 is still a little too young to be entertained by something so detail oriented!

-There is a website, http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/home, to have Santa send a personalized video to whomever you choose. So I put one together for Hazel and Landon. Obviously Hazel was “nice” this year and so Santa tells her how wonderful that is and tells her Merry Christmas and it’s just the cutest thing! We had her watch it the other night and she was fascinated! You could tell she was almost embarrassed that SANTA was talking to HER and knew that she wanted baby dolls for Christmas and knew that she has trouble finishing her plate at dinner and even that he had HER PICTURE! Then we pushed play on Landon’s video from Santa and jokingly I put that he was “Naughty” this year. Hazel’s face was just so mortified! I didn’t really even think about what Hazel’s reaction was going to be! I just did it as a joke for my family to watch! But she was just so shocked and kept looking at the screen like “Oh my god!” No smile. Just very serious looking at the screen. It was pretty priceless. Matthew and Nancy ordered the videos so they can keep them to watch in the future- So cute!

-Had a cookie exchange at work and it was just WAYYYY too much! I probably ate about 5,000 calories in cookies! I didn’t even eat a normal meal the whole day. Just crap. But GOOD crap! It was the perfect example of why it’s so stinkin hard to maintain some sort of diet regiment when it’s the holiday season. We’ve just been surrounded by cookies and treats and bagels and goodies for the whole last month! But I’ve done very well this week and am feeling pretty good. Trying not to beat myself up about having a treat here and there and just keep chugging along.

-My friend Becky, who I’ve talked about before, had surgery this week. It was actually pretty scary going to visit her because I get off the elevator and realized she was on the oncology floor. Luckily the results of the surgery were not cancerous so visiting her was a happier occasion unlike I’m sure some of the other rooms that were surrounding us. Makes you think about what’s important but just glad that everything turned out ok.

-Speaking of Becky, we keep trying to have “Pinterest Parties”. If you haven’t ventured into the wonderful world of Pinterest, stop whatever you’re doing and GO! I’ve become completely obsessed with everything on this site. I’ve been making all kinds of recipes that all have turned out so amazing. I made some eggnog fudge the other night- Amazing. Becky made some cute little Christmas mix with bugles dipped in red chocolate as Santa hats- Amazing. And I’ve completed a few DIY projects with spray paint, canvases, and some vases that all have turned out super cute! Next up on the list…..get a sewing machine and learn how to sew!

-Went to another friends baby shower this past weekend and she is cute, cute, cute! The shower was so cute as well! It’s nice to get together with people to celebrate these little amazing miracles. 2012 will be bringing more than a handful of new arrivals and I can’t wait to meet all of them!

-I honestly can’t believe it’s almost Christmas. It just seems like everything moved really, really fast after Halloween. I’m going to post next week about some of the great highlights of the past year. But until then, Merry Christmas to you all! I hope you have a wonderful holiday filled with loving family, great food, presents that you’ve wished for, and memories of another blessed holiday season!

Quote of the week:

“Merry be your Christmas, Peaceful be your home,
Joyful be your family, Blessed be Each One.”

Week 110

2011-12-14T15:43:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 110

Week in Review

Music: ‘White Christmas’ by Michael Buble – I’m in love with him………

HIGHEST 300 something

LOWEST- 197

TODAY 229

Ahh 'Tis The Season for sure! Ugly Christmas Sweater parties at work (thus the picture above), cookie exchanges, sinus infections, cold weather, Christmas lists, and lots and lots of Christmas music! I am totally in the mood! Minus being extremely sick the last few days, I'm in love with this time of year. Nothing beats it.

New York was AMAZING!!! Just what I needed to get in the holiday spirit! Here are some pics from the trip..........

Rockefeller Center Ice Skating

My mom and dad....with my dad ACTUALLY smiling!

"THE" Tree!

Rockefeller Center

Cathedral

Me and SIL

The W- Great hotel

Radio City Music Hall

Bryant Park/NY Library

Over by the WTC Memorial

Madison Square Gardens

Home

Quick post today just to update ya'll! Hopefully I'll post before Christmas but Happy Holidays early!

Quote of the week:

Don’t chase anything but Drinks and Dreams!

Week 108

2011-12-01T13:28:00.000-06:00

Skyline

Pinterest Sock Bun Curls

Turkey Trot 2011

Hazel lost her first tooth :(

Pinterest Project- Canvas with puffy paint and then I'll spray paint them white

My favorite person

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 108

Week In Review

Music: I'll Be Home for Christmas by Michael Buble (How have I not heard his Christmas songs before! LOVE!)

There are so many outside forces when it comes to weight loss. Emotions play such a huge part in that. Especially being a woman. You can try so hard to stay positive and look at life in such an upbeat way but each and every day there are people and experiences and events that can change that in an instance. I had my feelings hurt immensely this week and I have no idea why. I think what hurts the most is that I don’t deserve to be treated like I’m worthless or insignificant or irrelevant or a burden to anyone’s life. I have a hard enough time dealing with conflict within myself. Trying to tell myself I’m beautiful and smart and strong and capable and worth it each and every day. It happens multiple times a day at work and with friends and even with family when you have to take certain comments or events and allow them NOT to affect your emotions or your feelings. Very hard to do. Sometimes it’s extremely draining, especially when you don’t ask for and/or deserve to be dealing with negative emotions. Sometimes you just need to focus on those positive areas of your life and surround yourself with people and situations that make you feel good about yourself and make you feel appreciated. Everyone is going through something in their lives. Whether that be with work, relationships, health, family, or friends. We all need to be more aware of others peoples feelings day in and day out. Depression, sadness, and loneliness can all be made that much worse just by simple words and actions of others who are completely unaware or ignorant of their impact. It’s important to be aware that life is not all about yourself. Be aware of what relationships you take for granted, the relationships that you put above everyone and everything else, or the relationships that you just completely miss out on because you can’t go through life alone. So we should all try to live life without making people feel anything else but loved and respected and valued. We all need that and deserve that.

I’ve also come to the 100% conclusion that diet is everything. I’ve heard this about 100 times but I can now say that by example, this is the truth. Bendoeslife.com is a blogger that I’ve talked about before who has an extremely inspiring story of weight loss. Recently he started realizing that instead of losing weight, like he promotes, he was gaining weight. And it’s not like he was just sitting around doing nothing. This guy was running 5k’s every week or two weeks, half-marathons, marathons, training, basically working his ass off. So how in the hell was his weight going up rather than down when he’s burning mass amounts of calories?? He finally updated his blog yesterday stating that diet is everything. Which again, is something that I’ve heard so many times. But again, his blog is a real life example of it. Not just some doctor or personal trainer or nutritionist that has never experienced obesity. He’s just like me. Lost weight. A lot of it. Gained too much back. And he’s experienced REAL LIFE. Each week, I work my ass off at kickboxing and see no results. So what does that boil down to..........DIET. So here’s the real issues. Why is it that I can make myself religiously work out and push myself beyond any level I’ve ever imagined but I can’t control my eating and drinking habits? I blame emotions for almost every food choice I make. Boredom. Sadness. Happiness. Loneliness. Anticipation. Anger. I could go on and on. But if you think about it, when someone passes away…..food. When we celebrate a holiday………food. When we celebrate a birthday or a going away party or a new baby…….food. When we go on vacation…..food. When we want to socialize…...food. Food is the go-to. And it’s not that these traditions or rituals will go away. When I’m 80, we’ll still be gathering around food. But it’s my choices and my decisions that I can change. The only key to me losing weight is my diet. Plan and simple. I have the exercise under control. But the only thing holding me back from weight loss is what I’m putting in my body. Ohh and Ben (from Bendoeslife) started watching what he was eating while still continuing his normal workouts and within 17 days, has already lost 7 pounds!

Speaking of food and diet……I’m going to New York City!! Where there’s an abundance of calories just waiting to be consumed!! Even though it’s been a rough week emotionally, it’s December. It was beautiful this morning. Christmas music was blaring in the car. I get to go to my favorite place on the Earth in 3 days. I get to mark seeing NYC during Christmas time off my bucket list! And I get to go with my amazing and wonderful family! I’ll try and post some pictures once I get back. Hope you all have a good rest of the week and take care!

Quote of the week:

“Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”
-Mahatma Gandhi

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-23T10:16:00.002-06:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!

My top 5 things that I’m thankful for:

1. Health. The health of my family, my friends and myself. Some of my family and friends have been having a rough year and thankfully, everyone is on the up-and-up. I’m so thankful for that. And even though I’ve gained weight and am not close to my goal weight, I’m thankful for so many things regarding my health that have NOTHING to do with the number on the scale. Sometimes that means more.

2. Babies. My niece and nephew who aren’t really “babies” but are the loves of my life. The new babies that have joined the family this year. And all of the babies that will be coming into my life next year! So many little miracles around me and so many moments to be looking forward to!

3. Family Plans. I’m thankful that my family loves spending time with each other and as often as possible! I love all of the moments we get to be together-Those are the unforgettable times in my life.

4. My mom and dad. Interesting that they make the list every year! But I have no idea what I would do without them in my life everyday. They are truly my best friends. I hope I’m not getting overly attached to them at 27 because I really do need to move out someday! HA!

5. Food. I know. I know. This blog is supposed to be about me LOSING weight not GAINING it! But let’s get real. Thanksgiving is the BEST when it comes to food. And food means family and family means traditions and traditions make me so very thankful for everything and everyone that I have in my life. I am blessed beyond measure.
Quote of the week:

“Each day I am thankful for nights that turned into mornings, friends that turned into family, dreams that turned into reality, and likes that turned into love.”

Happy Almost Turkey Day!

2011-11-18T11:03:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 106

Week In Review

Music: ‘Long Train Runnin’ by the Doobie Brothers

I’ve pretty much been MIA from blogging and to be honest, it’s because I actually have to work during the day! I used to have all kinds of time to sit around and blog but now, I just can’t seem to find the time (or the motivation!).

Here are a few updates the last few weeks:

- Quit my gym and finally joined Title Boxing Club! I’ve wanted to do this for a while now and a new club opened up closer to me so I did it! I am in LOVE! Every night I go to a class at 6:30 with this awesome instructor and we work out for an hour. It’s the best workout, best stress reliever, and best confidence booster! I feel like I can see a difference in my arms, stomach, and legs. Love it!

- After the half marathon, I took a few weeks off from the running but have been meeting my brother and sister-in-law the last 2 Saturdays to run. It’s funny because our “little” runs that we do “just-to-run” are 5-6 miles each time! A few months ago, I would have NEVER thought I would be meeting up “just-to-run” MILE…….S! But I enjoy our runs because I feel really good after we’re done and it gives us all a chance to catch up and chat!

- Every other Thanksgiving, my family from Nebraska comes to KC and I LOVE these Thanksgivings!! There will be 31 people at my aunts! Nothing beats that type of holiday! My aunt even sends out invites and gives you an item or two to bring for the day. I’m in charge of my Grandma’s homemade rolls. By far, the BEST rolls I’ve ever had. I made some the other night and they were amazing! The only thing about those rolls is that it makes me realize how much I miss my grandparents not being around, and especially my grandma. It’s funny that something as simple as a dinner roll can evoke such crazy emotions. But it’s nice because just having those rolls will make me feel like my grandma is included even if she’s not there. I think that’s the good thing about traditions and memories. Even if it is just a silly little roll!

- My eating is fantastic during the week. I’m averaging about 1,000 calories a day which is not a lot but it’s definitely something my body is accustomed to. And another reason why I should be dropping weight like it’s melting off of me! (Now you see why my weekends screw everything up!) For breakfast I have a cappuccino protein supplement from dietdirect.com with my coffee, green beans, broccoli and a large amount of a protein source (chicken/salad with chicken) for lunch, cheese sticks for an afternoon snack, and then a spinach shake for dinner. Kickboxing doesn’t end until 7:30 and then I don’t get home until about 8 so having a large meal at night just doesn’t work. But the shake recipe is from the Fit2Fat2Fit.com blog which you should also go check out:
o Handful of spinach
o Half a banana
o 2 Tablespoons Natural Peanut Butter
o 2-3 cups unsweetened almond milk
o 1 scoop of vanilla flavored protein powder (I get mine from GNC)
o 3-4 handfuls of ice
It’s so good! It looks a little creepy just because of the spinach but it’s very yummy!

- It’s been so long since I last blogged that I forgot how much stuff has happened! Went to Hermann, MO for Becky’s bachelorette party and it was amazing! We took the Amtrak from KC to Hermann and then stayed in this super cute little house a few blocks from the wineries. It was perfect weather and the perfect group of girls. So much fun and so many memories and inside jokes! We all had such a blast and it makes me really excited for the wedding!

- For Halloween, we dressed up at work which made things a little more exciting! Sometimes working in a cubicle can be extremely draining so it was a good switch up from the norm to see top management wearing fake tats and long black wigs! Landon and Hazel were super cute as well- Spiderman and Super Woman! Landon is quite the trip. Completely, 100% opposite of Hazel and I’m just in love with this kid!

- Running a 5k next week. This is the 3rd time we’ve run the Parkville Turkey Trot and I’m guessing it won’t be our last! I like this added in tradition. But after running a half marathon, this will feel like a freaking breeze! And then we get to go enjoy turkey and rolls and mashed potatoes and lord knows what else!

- Thanks to everyone who comments on my blog by the way! I don’t always get a chance to respond back but just want you all to know that it’s appreciated and puts a big smile on my face!

I doubt that I post anything before or anytime soon after Thanksgiving so I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!
Quote of the week:

“May you always be blessed with walls for the wind, a roof for the rain, a warm cup of tea by the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you and all that your heart might desire.”

-Irish Blessing

I RAN A HALF MARATHON!

2011-10-21T16:21:00.000-05:00

I RAN A HALF MARATHON.

I’m not even sure where to begin. I’ve written a few things. Erased it. Started over again. Erased that. But on October 15th, I started and finished a 13.1 run. I ran for 2 hours 50 minutes and 59 seconds. I’ve been debating on which event has had the most meaning for me; losing 100 pounds or finishing a half-marathon. I’ve just had such life-changing moments in my personal life these last few years and they’re moments that I never in my life thought I would ever experience. And I guess that’s why they’re so indescribable. How do you put moments like that into words? I haven’t even finished a paragraph yet and I’m already tearing up about it.

So let me start by saying that I NEVER would have done this without my brother and my sister-in-law. And let me also point out that these huge moments in my life these last few years have both included Luke and Holly in such big ways. The best way to describe them is by our running style that we had during our training and even the whole 13.1 miles on Saturday. Might sound a little corny but truthfully, it’s just such a perfect analogy of what these two mean to me and it just came to me today!

Luke was always ahead of us, leading the pack. He’s been that way my whole life. I’ve always wanted to follow in his footsteps. And he’s always been there right in front of me, pushing me, encouraging me, and motivating me to do better and be better. There was absolutely no question that when I started to doubt myself and basically quit the race before I started, Luke immediately wanted to sign up. No question. 13.1 miles is no joke! No matter how fast or slow you finish. So to randomly sign up to run 13.1 miles that you were never planning on running, knew was difficult because you’d done it twice before, and already missed 4 weeks of training, all because your little sister had self-doubt………….HUGE. I believe that he signed up to make sure that I finished what I started. Completed what he knew I could complete. And to take on that role he’s played so well of my big brother who’s going to always, always, always lead by example. Thank you for introducing me to this whole world of running because you’re the reason I even started in the first place. Thank you for teaching me that instead of immediately giving up, you just start and take it day by day. Thank you for turning around every so often and without words, acknowledging that we could do it. And thanks for being a part of that moment that I’ll never forget. Thank you Luke.

Holly! Holly! Holly! I’ve just never met anyone in my life like her. So whenever we would run, Holly would be right next to me. Not ahead of me or behind me. Right. By. My. Side. And that’s just the perfect description for who she is. I’m only assuming that when Luke mentioned something about a THIRD half-marathon, Holly probably threw up a little in her mouth and thought “Ohhhh hell no!!!” HA! I’m totally ASSUMING that up but regardless, she signed up without hesitation. And for every run we had, she ran right with me the whole time. Each hill. Right next to me. Each lap. Right next to me. Each mile. Right next to me. On race day, it was the same situation. On Saturday, there wasn’t a moment during that almost 3 hour time frame that Holly wasn’t saying these encouraging and motivating statements. Even at the very end when I was OVER IT, Holly was trying so hard to make me realize that it was almost done and we could totally do it. To stop focusing on how difficult it was and to stop focusing on how much I REALLY wanted to stop. And it’s not like she was having this dozy of a day either- She was ALSO on mile 12! But there’s not a lot of people in life that would put themselves through something like that, show zero signs of competiveness, speed up when you speed up, slow down when you slow down, and then on top of that spend the teeny, tiny amount of energy they have left to push someone other than themselves. She is truly one of a kind. Holly, I wouldn’t have wanted any other human being on this planet to be there step-by-step with me. Thank you for each and every one of them. 40,000 to be exact! I love you miss Holly!

Another cool moment of that day I’ll never forget was around mile 8. As most of you know, I live with my parents so they’ve both known for quite some time that I was training for this race. One random morning a few weeks ago, I got up and was getting ready to go meet Luke and Holly to run and my dad says “So, are you guys running the half-marathon this morning?” To which I sarcastically and rather harshly replied “Do you THINK I’m running the half-marathon on this very morning? Right now? Really?!!??!!” And then I left it with “You better be there when I finish that race!” But as it got closer to time, my mom was going to be the only one that would be able to make it. My dad was going to have to work so there was just no way he was going to be there. Even the night before the race he seemed very nonchalant about the whole thing. Like it wasn’t this HUGE deal for me! His words of encouragement the night before the race were “You better not wake me up in the morning!” So I gave my mom the course map and told her that mile 7 would be a good spot to be at because we’d need some half-way point motivation. Mile 7 came and went. I didn’t really say anything but I was a little discouraged not seeing her. Why didn’t she show up? But whatever. Just keep moving. So as we’re running, Luke all the sudden turns around and says “Look who it is!” And what do you know! There’s my dad standing on the curb with his video camera and my mom right behind him! I of course just started crying! Luke and Holly apparently already knew that he was going to show up but everyone had been keeping it a secret! It was just so cool to see them standing there and especially my dad! He’s got this slick way of “pretending” like he doesn’t care but I always know he does! And that was a good day and moment to see just how much he does care. Very special to me! Made the day that much more unforgettable.

It was truly an experience that will change the way I think about myself most importantly but also the people in my life and what they mean to me….. how they make me a better person without knowing it. I will never forget this.

Quote of the week:

“Surround yourself with people who believe in your dreams.”

99 pounds lost! Week 99

2011-09-30T12:45:00.001-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 99

Starting Weight: 316.4
Height: 5’11’’
Current Weight as of last weigh-in on 09/30/2011: 217.4
Total Pounds Lost: 99
Total Pounds Lost as of last weigh-in on 09/22/2011: 3
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 42.4

Week In Review

Music: Sexy and I know it- Lmfao- THIS IS THE FIST PUMP JAM!!!

Recently, I’ve been having all of these thoughts about where I went wrong in this weight loss journey. And it’s not really “wrong”. It’s more or less where I’ve learned the biggest lessons.

When I first started losing weight, it flew off. Week by week. And it wasn’t like it was easy or anything. It was just fast. Then I made this huge deal about WHEN I was going to lose 100 pounds and I DID lose 100 pounds (gained it back but now I’m close again). This is where the learning lesson comes in. I’ve come to realize that no matter how much weight I’ve lost, how much weight I still want to lose, my lifestyle has COMPLETELY changed. My lifestyle HAS to completely change and stay changed in order to stay at whatever weight loss I’m at. Whether that be losing 100 pounds or being at my weight right now and losing another 40. At each stage of weight loss, you’re dealing with different criteria in order to maintain and in order to lose more if that’s what you want. To be 316 pounds, I can eat whatever I want and never exercise. To be 216 pounds, I can’t be the same person. I have to keep up whatever diet/exercise I was doing in order to get from 316 to 216. I guess I knew that but just didn’t really GET it. I wanted to lose this weight and then go back to my “easy” life where I NEVER had to worry about what I was eating and drinking. I never counted calories because I just didn’t care. I was fat and no matter how many more calories I was having each day, I was still going to be fat the next morning when I woke up. NOW, if I want to have as many calories as I want, I wake up in this “new” body and realize that I can’t do that because it will 100% show on the scale……..no matter what. Back when I was 316 pounds, if I ate whatever I wanted for a week, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t looking at the scale and I already felt fat and was fat so the calories didn’t affect me.

Going up and down on the scale these last few months has been draining on me. Physically and mentally. Physically I’ve gained weight which has caused me not to fit into these wonderful new clothes that I was finally able to buy. Those size 14 pants that I have forever wanted to fit into and finally did and then started to realize that I wasn’t fitting into them anymore. Physically I’ve been putting all these unwanted calories in my body and drinking too much, which has caused me to miss workouts or feel like I’m not capable of exercising like I should be able to. Physically I have noticed areas of my body that I am extremely not happy with and areas that I never noticed before because I was on such a high knowing that I’d lost as much weight as I had. Those areas didn’t look so bad when I knew that I was still losing weight. When the weight started creeping back up, the pants started to not fit, the pregnancy comments came (yes, plural), that’s when the mental aspect started coming to play. I didn’t want to blog about it or let anyone know that I wasn’t still on track. I was trying to “hide” the weight gain and the struggles. The depressed feelings and the sadness of being overweight started coming back. When you’re not physically feeling good about yourself, when you feel overweight, when you feel like you’re clothes look like shit, when you feel like you’re failing, when you feel like you’re letting yourself and others down, all of that is translated to your emotions and your overall attitude towards all things…life.

So these last few months have definitely been the most eye-opening throughout this whole weight loss journey so far. And I’m not saying that I’m cured and I will not fail tomorrow or the next day or the next year. I’m just saying that it’s all starting to make a lot more sense. I am NOT dieting anymore. I am not JUST exercising. I am maintaining a lifestyle that will keep my weight at 217.4 pounds. And if I tweak one of those things (i.e. eat less calories. Burn off more calories) I will lose the weight. If I step back into old eating habits and stop working out, the weight will definitely be gained.

Enough with the deep thoughts……I want to share something truly amazing to all of you because I haven’t been sharing my running accomplishments in the last month. LAST NIGHT I RAN 10 MILES! Last Saturday I ran 8. The Saturday before, I ran 7. The Saturday before, I ran 6. But last night I RAN 10 MILES! And no, it wasn’t the most glorious moment I’ve had. It was actually the most difficult thing I’ve EVER put my body through. But you know the one thing that I can say about it is that I did it. And that’s something that blows my mind. A month ago I told myself that there was NO way I was going to be able to complete a half marathon. I told myself there was NO way I was going to be able to run more than 3 miles straight. I told myself there was NO way I would even be able to do a 10k. I told myself that I should just give up and not even do the half marathon. But last night……… I. RAN. 10. MILES. NEVER. SAY. NEVER.

I’m definitely hoping that I can continue to blog each week and that my results will always be a negative weight loss. But lets get real. Sometimes that’s not going to happen even though I want it to. It’s not going to happen because sometimes I’m going to screw up and learn from my screw up and MOVE ON. And I’m going to stop hiding from any weight gain that I have and just keep pushing through. Without mess ups, failures, hard days, temptations, LIFE, I’m never going to learn the best way to succeed. So if that means I’ve had to gain back weight as a learning lesson, then so be it. Just gotta keep moving forward.

Quote of the week:
"There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure." ~Colin Powell

95.6 Pounds Lost! Week 96

2011-09-09T10:56:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 96
Starting Weight: 316.4
Height: 5’11’’
Current Weight as of last weigh-in on 09/09/2011: 220.4
Total Pounds Lost: 95.6
Total Pounds Lost as of last weigh-in on 09/09/2011: Gain of 2.2
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 45.4

Week In Review

Music: Won't Back Down by Tom Petty

SO SORRY! I’m still here! Thanks for the comments! I just wanted to wait to blog until I knew that I was on track and focused. I’ve managed to lose 10 pounds since I REALLY fell off track during vacation and am still 2 up since the last time I blogged, but I’m ok with that. I know I’m going to get the pounds off. So as of right now, I’m done with vacations, the summer is winding down, the plans are starting to diminish, and I’m back on track.

I haven’t blogged in 6 weeks! I think that might be the longest that I’ve gone! But a lot has happened in 6 weeks. Two concerts, a new baby added to the family, a wedding in St. Louis, a weeklong vacation filled with two separate road trips to Minnesota and Arkansas, birthday celebrations, and of course Labor Day festivities. On top of all of that, work is busier than it has been in about a year! So needless to say, there hasn’t been a dull moment for a while.

How I’ve gotten back on track:

1. Running training. I’m currently in the process of training for the half marathon that I signed up for MONTHS ago! The race is October 15th so 6 more weeks for training. I was pretty discouraged about the race for a while because I was doing NOTHING to get ready for it. I was exercising but I wasn’t running like I should have been. Now I’m following a training program and doing great. Can run 4 miles pretty well so even though I have a lot more miles to be reaching, I’m feeling confident and am getting excited about stepping it up. 6 miles on Saturday so I’ll let you know how it goes!

2. Pre-planning and Routine. For a while there, my weekly routine got all jacked up. I was having protein shakes from a place right down the elevator from my work. Convenient. Easy. Healthy. Then the place shut down. So it took a while to find another option and it was getting frustrating. For me to be successful, it needs to be easy and not allow for choices! I’m not good with choices! So my co-worker and I went to GNC, bought their blender (two cups, two lids, and the mixer for about $25), got some vanilla protein powder, and each day for lunch we just make our own protein shakes. It’s cheap. It’s easy. It’s convenient. And it’s healthy. I add some reduced fat peanut butter, a banana, skim milk, non-fat banana crème yogurt, and the vanilla protein powder and it’s AMAZING! Comes to about 450 calories and about 30 minutes after drinking it, I’m stuffed. Literally feel like my stomach is crammed full. My pre-planning also has to do with making sure to order enough supplements for the week, plan my dinners ahead of time, and allow for not a single moment of hesitation on what I’m planning to put into my mouth. My success lies in having no available choices. When I know exactly what I have planned for the morning, afternoon, and evening, I’m 100% successful.

3. Order and organization. When my life is organized, everything seems to just flow. I’ve spent the last few weekends getting odds and ends figured out, making lists, crossing off said lists, and just re-focusing. It’s just the little things in life that start adding up and by little things I mean needing to get the oil changed, car licensed, birthday presents bought, dry cleaning done, etc.etc.etc. These things that are constantly in the back of your mind that just need to be taken care of. My blog is another thing so that’s getting crossed off shortly! It’s just refreshing to get all your tasks completed and start each day with nothing hanging over your head.

Some inspirational thoughts that I’ve had the last few weeks:

1. A mile is a mile. No matter how fast you go, how many times you walk, how many times you run, a mile at 14 minutes and a mile at 6 minutes……..it’s all still a mile. It’s easy to compare yourself to others when you’re exercising and especially when it comes to running. But sometimes the only true comparison you should be making is with yourself. The fact that I can go out and run 4 miles is something that is really hard for me to grasp. It doesn’t seem like it’s correct or accurate. How in the hell did I get to the point that I can run 4 miles????? The number on the scale becomes so much more important (and sometimes it should be especially if you’re STILL trying to lose weight) but at the same time, it clouds what accomplishments you REALLY should be looking at. My body is in the best shape it’s ever been in my life. Even though I was smaller back in the day, there is no way in hell I could have run 4 miles. I need to give myself some positive feedback instead of constantly picking out the negative.

2. I read a LOT of blogs and almost half of them are in regards to weight loss and/or maintenance. In the last few months, many weight loss bloggers have been struggling. A few of the people who inspire me the most have gained weight back these last few months. And it’s not that it makes me feel better about my own struggles but it makes me realize that this is HARD. This weight loss, weight gain, weight maintenance is HARD. Whatever it is that you’re dealing with, you’re not alone. When I start feeling alone in this whole process, that’s when I’m hardest on myself. I start to feel like a failure because to me, I’m the only one that can’t stay on track and I’m the only one gaining weight and I’m the only one REALLY, REALLY struggling with this weight issue. But I’m not. And realizing that I’m not alone allows me to dig deeper into how I can help myself. And dig deeper into how others deal with their ups and downs. Not only learn my strengths and weaknesses but take advice from others who experience the same temptations. I’m not the only person on the planet that was extremely overweight, lost a bunch of weight, and continues to struggle. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

3. When I treat my body the right way, I am happier. I feel better. I look better. I dress better. I take more time getting ready. I’m more productive at work. I am overall more optimistic. I know that exercising is extremely important in all of this but what I put in my body is what makes all the difference. I mean, it makes sense. There’s no special formula behind this. Healthy food, vitamins, water, exercise, sleep………all of these things allow your body to function the way it was built to function. When all of these things combine together, your brain starts thanking you with this overall euphoria. Everything is just a little more beautiful.

4. Along the same lines, running has got to be the single most rewarding exercise there is. I know that I haven’t tried too many forms of exercise but running is just such an all-encompassing workout. It’s a mind and body workout. For one thing, I sweat the most when I run and there’s something so refreshing and rejuvenating about that. Secondly, once you get into this rhythm you start to feel unstoppable. Kind of like this feeling of “My body is possible of anything”. Each stride involves your full body. There’s not an area left out. You can actually feel the muscles working to pull yourself up a hill or slow you down on a slope. And then there’s the after workout “high”. With running, it was something that I NEVER thought I was capable of doing…..basically my whole life. And now that I actually can run and do run, I hope that for as long as I live I never let that feeling of accomplishment fade away.

Quote of the week:

“I never regret it when I do it, but I always regret it when I don’t.”

Week 90......98.2 Pounds Lost!

2011-07-28T11:01:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 90
Starting Weight: 316.4
Height: 5’11’’
Current Weight as of last weigh-in on 07/28/2011: 218.2
Total Pounds Lost: 98.2
Total Pounds Lost as of last weigh-in on 07/28/2011: Loss of .8
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 43.2

Week In Review

Music: Back Where I Come From by Kenny Chesney….Going to see him in concert on Saturday!

What I did RIGHT this week:

1. Worked out on Saturday morning.
2. Started a new running program on my phone. It’s still training for a 10k but it’s modified. The runs are a little less aggressive and seem to be working out a lot better.
3. Didn’t completely go overboard on my eating during the week. Did great at work and at home. (Minus a few exceptions- see below)
4. Knew that I was going to drink on Saturday so I watched what I ate all day.
5. Ate dinner at my aunts but skipped dessert and had smaller helpings of the food.

What still needs improvement:

1. Was hungover on Sunday and I did well with the eating all day…..except when dinner came along. My parents ordered Applebees and so did I. Kept telling myself that I could eat Applebees but to just order something healthier. Don’t get the worst thing on the menu. But what did I do? Ordered the triple sampler with wontons, spinach dip, and steak quesadilla towers.
2. Snacking on things that are just lying around. I do realize that when I live on my own, I will NOT have snacks lying around but that doesn’t mean that if they are there, that I have to eat them. But Doritos, leftover desserts, my parents leftovers, etc. are all downfalls for me. But I need to learn that I can tell myself NO. It’s just easier if I don’t even have that option!
3. After drinking on Saturday, I started snacking on the food that was at the party. Chips, hotdogs, brownies, cupcakes, etc. I didn’t start snacking until about 10-11. That’s when the wall of self-control came tumbling down.

Lessons Learned:

1. I can control my eating and my exercising if I have a plan.
2. I can control my eating and my exercising during the week…..EASILY.
3. I can’t control my eating if I’m intoxicated.
4. I can’t control my eating if there are temptations sitting around.
5. Exercising on the weekends makes me more aware of what I’m putting in my body rather than just having a free-for-all. (Which is what I’ve been doing the last few months on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.)
6. I would have lost at least 3-4 pounds if I would have skipped out on the snacking, Applebees, Saturday’s eating, and the DRINKING.
7. This past week wasn’t the best but it was a huge improvement over the last few months. It’s about the little steps. I have to truly teach myself how to handle weight loss, weight gain, weight maintenance.
8. Keep going. Stay strong. Don’t give up. I can do this. Make the changes even if their small. The small changes will gradually make the most difference. Keep analyzing. Try to figure out solutions to the problems rather than letting them build up on top of each other.

What I will try to do differently this week:

1. Sunday I know that I will be hungover. Try to stay on track even though I will feel like eating anything and everything in sight.
2. Work out Saturday morning before the drunken festivities.
3. Stay home on Friday night. Going to a co-workers house for a Tastefully Simple party so there is no reason to go off plan. Go to the party. Go home.
4. Go to a Body Sculpt class at the gym. There is a body sculpt class on Monday and on Wednesday. There is also a Boot Camp class on Tuesday. My plan is to try these out because they’re free and they’re at the gym that I’ll already be at! How much easier can you get!
5. Have some more confidence in myself. I KNOW I can do this. That’s why that 98.2 pounds is up there. It’s didn’t just melt away one day.

On some personal notes……..

-CONGRATULATIONS LACI! Can’t wait to meet the new little boy/girl in February!!! I know you’ve been looking forward to this moment and I couldn’t be happier for you! You’re going to be great parents and such a great mother!

-My sister-in-law’s sister (My “Other” Sister-in-law!) is due on the 2nd! I can’t wait to meet this little boy! Whit can’t see her toes right now so we’re going to get pedicures tonight! Hopefully he doesn’t decide to make his appearance at the nail saloon!!! I’ll have pictures of this little guy shortly! Can’t wait to meet him!

-Christy is FINALLY getting married next weekend! Christy- I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! Next weekend is going to be unforgettable! Thank you for including me in your day….I promise I will try my best to be a BETTER Bridal Attendant to you at your wedding as you have been to the HUNDERDS of people you have helped! Marisa on the other hand……I take no responsibility for her actions…….

Quote of the week:

“Remind yourself that this is worth it. If may be a slow, stressful process. But it is worth all the blood, sweat and tears you put into it. Sometimes you cheat, sometimes you do not exercise, sometimes all you want is to be able to eat all the foods in the world and not think twice about it. But you cannot do that. Giving up is the easy way out. You have already made the effort to start this fat loss journey and you are damn well going to finish it. You can do this. Anyone who sets their mind to it and puts the dedication towards this can do this. DO NOT GIVE UP.”

Week 89

2011-07-20T16:03:00.002-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 89
Starting Weight: 316.4
Height: 5’11’’
Current Weight as of last weigh-in on 07/20/2011: 219.0
Total Pounds Lost: 97.4
Total Pounds Lost as of last weigh-in on 07/20/2011: GAIN of 16.9
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 44

Week In Review

Music: ‘Keep Holding On' by Boyce Avenue

So I went to the plastic surgeon on Monday. It went well. Basically the outcome of the consultation was that I’m not ready. I was the most interested in an abdominoplasty (tummy tuck). The main issue with this is that I want to have kids someday. He definitely didn’t recommend doing this type of a procedure until AFTER I have kids. My argument with that is what if I don’t have kids until I’m 40??!! In an extreme circumstance, what if for whatever reason I’m unable to have children? When I left, the solution was to lose the weight that I want to lose and then possibly come back and talk again. Which is extremely logical. I won’t go into too much details but he did say that he was impressed considering that I’d lost 100 pounds. And considering the people that he sees on a daily basis, that made me feel a LOT better about my own situation! Not sure if anything will ever come of this but I was curious to see what a surgeon had to say. And so forward marching I go!
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I FINALLY bought a new scale. Which makes me feel so much more in-control. If you didn’t already notice, I added in my current weight. And yes- It’s a gain. It puts my current weight loss at 97.4. The last time I went to the Dr to weigh was 13 weeks ago and my weight was at 202.1 so that means that I’ve gained 16.9 pounds since I last weighed. So that means that I’ve gained 1.3 pounds on average each week for the last 13 weeks. Of course it’s embarrassing to write that. Of course I’m disappointed. But I’ve known that I’ve gained weight for the last 13 weeks…..you all just didn’t! My pants are too tight. My shirts are too tight. I can FEEL the weight gain. I can SEE the weight gain. So I’m actually impressed that my gain wasn’t higher because I’ve felt like it was about 25 pounds for the last month or so. To my relief, it was 16.9 which is still a lot but also manageable and also so much less than what I was feeling. But there it is. Like it or not, that’s the reality. That’s what road I’m on now.

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There is a physical “switch” inside of me. I’m not sure if anyone knows what I’m talking about or can relate, but I can feel it. It’s either ON or OFF. There is no in-between for ME. The “switch” can be related to alcohol, food, finances, smoking, work, relationships, organization, etc. I’m either not drinking or drinking beer after beer and slamming jaeggar bombs. I’m either not eating or I’m eating the foods that I’ve deemed to be the worst for me. I’m either not smoking or I’m chain smoking by the end of the night. I’m either not spending money or spending $100’s on clothes/products/anything. I’m either reading blogs/celebrity news/emails/facebook or working like a crazy person. I’m either sitting with loads of laundry undone, a messy room/bathroom, clothes all over, or either every single thing in my environment is 100% complete and organized and exactly where it’s supposed to be. I’m either wanting to sit alone in a dark room, watching TV, not talking with anyone or else I want to get in a relationship, start dating, go out on the town, meet new people, and talk with anyone and everyone that I know. Is this bipolar???!!! I’m not sure why the “switch” goes from ON to OFF or OFF to ON. But it is there. I wish it were all just related to ONE thing. But when the pattern comes up and I notice that it occurs in all aspects of my life, it’s hard to pinpoint the solution. I want to find that magic area of my brain that turns it ON. I want to find where that power went and where that drive went. It’s in there. It’s just OFF.

When I first started on this program, my switch was ON. ALL. OF. THE. TIME. I was determined and knew exactly what I was going to do and I did it. It was extremely difficult but for some reason when I look back now I think “Where in the hell did THAT person go?” At the time I didn’t feel very powerful but now I look back and realize that was the strongest I’ve ever been in my life. The willpower and determination and drive and control and discipline was all ON.

I believe there are factors that help determine how easily my switch can turn ON. Some factors immediately turn the switch OFF.

Allowing myself to eat/drink anything/everything I want: The second that I start consuming or even thinking of consuming something that I know is not good for me, it opens the flood gates to eating badly the WHOLE day/evening.

Making excuses for not continuing with my running training:
My knee hurts- I need to get a knee brace. I need to do strength training like the Dr said. It’s too hot- I’m inside. In air conditioning. With fans all over.
The workout seems too hard- I’m capable of a lot more than I think. There is no one forcing me to run for 15 minutes straight. I won’t get banished from society if I split my runs up into smaller running increments.

Not working out on the weekends: Working out used to be the easy part of my routine. I used to work out 5-6 times a week. Easily. Now I manage to workout Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursdays. And I’m pretty religious about that. And I’m not saying that is a bad thing. It’s AMAZING to me that I even workout! But I have Saturdays and Sundays that I don’t have a single thing planned until the evening and never once do I think of working out or going to the gym like I used to. I allowed myself to let that go to the bottom of the priority list when it should be at the top. Especially with what I cram into my bodies on the weekends.

Blogging: I can tell just by this post today that holding myself accountable really does help in the long run. Being able to write down and express just what I’m feeling or thinking allows me to re-examine so many aspects on my life. Knowing that I have such great support surrounding my efforts is comforting through the blog world as well. (With that said, I can’t comment on blogspot.com blogs for some reason so if you’re one of those people, sorry! I’ve tried to comment but it’s just not allowing me )

Saying ‘No’: If I have a plan for my day then that’s what I want to do for that day. The second that someone wants to make a plan or if something else comes up, it ruins the whole evening for me. When I can’t follow through with my plan, I normally throw in the towel for the whole evening. As much as I want to go to happy hour every night, I have to say no. As much as I want to go to lunch with my co-workers, I have to say no. It’s an everyday battle with my self-control but as long as I just stay in my own little, planned out world, I seem to do ok.

I wish I could end this post with a solution but it’s all about learning about myself. Figuring out my weaknesses and how to deal with them. Waking up each day and planning for success. Getting back on track when I’ve shifted off the path. Each day taking another lesson from what I was dealt. And never, never, never giving up on myself. Because if there is one thing that I know for certain, I can do this.

Quote of the week:

“When we make a change, it’s so easy to interpret our unsettledness as unhappiness and our unhappiness as a result of having made the wrong decision. Our mental and emotional states fluctuate madly when we make big changes in our lives, and somedays we could tight-rope across Manhattan, and other days we are too weary to clean our teeth. This is normal. This is natural. This is change.”
-Jeanette Winterson

Week 88

2011-07-15T16:31:00.001-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 88
Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight as of last weigh-in on 04/19/2011: 202.3
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost as of last weigh-in on 04/19/2011: 114.1
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 27.3

Week In Review

-Finally got a scale that works so I’m going to start updating my current weight and going from there. I weighed in last night and I’ve gained weight which is no surprise to me. I know I’ve gained weight. It’s 12 up from my previous weight on my old scale. Too much to be nonchalant about. The sad thing is that weight is from my activities on Friday nights and Saturday nights. My previous weigh-ins were with the Dr and since I’m not going to him anymore, I need to get back on track with the weighing. For me, it really does keep me on track if I can see the number. But it’s all about not giving up, getting back on track, and finding that will power again. It’s in there somewhere! But I want to be truthful with my blog so I will start fresh with the weigh-in’s next week. It will be good for me.

-Going to see the plastic surgeon on Monday morning. I’m actually pretty excited to just see what he has to say. Do I need to lose more weight and then come back? Do I need to lose more weight and then the problem areas will just go away? Will the problem areas go away with weights/exercises/etc? I also have a lot of questions if I ever went through with a procedure. But that is a long way’s away! For me, this first visit is strictly informational. I’ll let you all know how it goes.

-My friend that I wrote about a few weeks ago that recently got diagnosed with cancer, there was a fundraiser last Sunday for him. It was truly amazing to see the amount of people in their lives that were there to support. It made me realize that if I truly ever needed anyone to be there for me, our community of friends and classmates and our community of Liberty would never leave you feeling alone. It was absolutely emotionally over-the-top to see the turn out of the event and the people that were there to show their love and support. If he’s going to have to go through this tough time, it’s comforting to know that he has so many people behind him.

-Hope everyone has a great weekend! Happy Birthday Julz and Jarr!! Love you both very much!

Quote of the week:

“No matter how slow you go, you’re still lapping everybody on the couch.”

Week 87

2011-07-08T14:55:00.001-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 87

Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 202.1
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 114.3
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 27.1

Week In Review

Music: 'Memories' by David Guetta ft Kid Cudi - The new Jam!!

Missed last weeks blog….AGAIN! Sorry ya’ll! Just can’t seem to find the time or the motivation!

So a few happenings with my life…….

1. Been sick and without energy since last Thursday. Some kind of cold but with flu-like body aches and exhaustion. Of course I never went to the Dr so I’m still kind of self-medicating and hoping it disappears soon.

2. Re-started a “Thankful” journal the other night. I really like the concept and it only takes about 30 seconds each night. You write down the 5 things you’re thankful for each night before you go to bed. Once you get passed all the obvious answers, you really start to see that everything you’re surrounded with in life is something or someone to be thankful for.

3. Signed up for a kickboxing class through NKC Hospital and was SUPER excited about it! Went…..and it sucked bad! This lady would do a move for about 36 counts and then add in one extra move and then do it again for 36 counts. HORRIBLE. I just want to find another kickboxing class around KC but can’t seem to find something that first I can afford, or second that is convenient. If anyone has any ideas/suggestions, please let me know!

4. Pinterest is taking over my life! If you haven’t wondered into that world……do it now! And while you’re there, come follow me! http://pinterest.com/kanime15/

5. Going to have a consultation next week (18th) with a plastic surgeon. I will definitely have a report back on what was discussed. I’m kind of hoping that he says “Lose another 35 pounds and THEN come back and see me!” That will be some extra motivation! It would be nice if he said “Ohh this can all be solved with some extreme exercise or a personal trainer!” But at the same time, logically I know that’s probably not the case. More details later…..

6. Work is becoming more and more familiar. Things are starting to become more routine and that always makes me feel better. Programs are starting to get figured out. Breaks and lunches and snacks and food are becoming more consistent. It just feels better for me to have a set schedule each day and makes me feel more control. One day at a time around these parts!

7. The other day I went through my jewelry and I have a TON of stuff! But what really caught my attention is the fact that I used to wear HUGE, GIGANTIC jewelry! HUGE necklaces! HUGE earrings! And now, I have seemed to tone everything down. I don’t know if it’s just because my style has changed or if there is a deeper meaning behind it. Kind of like the bigger the earrings and the bigger the necklaces, the less attention was paid towards my weight? I don’t know. I’ve also noticed that instead of constantly picking out black shirts, I now force myself to buy something with some color or some flare! And I LIKE it!

8. Speaking of clothes….because of the whole pregnancy comment a few weeks ago, I REALLY started to re-examine my shirts and the way my stomach looks when I walk out the door. THAT STUPID B****! Wish she just would have never said anything to me! But anways! I went to JcPenney and bought the most amazing things! They’re Spanx (maybe not that specific brand) tank tops. I normally wear tank tops underneath my shirts just out of habit but these are amazing! The top and the very bottom are just one layer but the stomach area is a tightener. And it works wonders! If you have the same insecurities, I HIGHLY recommend these!

9. This girl (http://one-twenty-five.tumblr.com/) wrote a post the other day that really hit home. It’s basically about the constant fight that you have with yourself when you’ve lost weight, want to lose more, but just aren’t. And instead of the fighting, she talks about starting to like the YOU that you’re currently seeing and liking THAT person. Which has been really hard for me lately. I don’t know when I started feeling this down about my CURRENT body and stopped realizing just how far I’ve come. It’s almost like my current body is that 316 pound person that I starred at for years and I’m back to the old “You can do this- Lose the weight-Don’t eat that- Start making changes- Do SOMETHING NOW” mentality. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. But her post was great….. “I’m tired of wishing. Of waiting for the future. Of imagining a different life for the person I am. Live in the moment.”………. “I must simply be what I am. Because I think that is the first step toward bettering the person I am.” I’ve got to work on this but this truly hits home for me. And in all aspects of my life…..not just the weight.

10. Ok- I made it to 10! And I’m going to end with my 5 thankful entries for today…….1. Friday’s! 2. Parties (Going to St Louis to celebrate my friend Christy getting married shortly!) 3. Blogging 4. My health (even though I sometimes feel like I’m falling apart!) 5. All of you reading this! HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

Quote of the week:

“In life we do things. Some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are. And in the end they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them we wouldn’t be the person we are. So just live. Make mistakes. Have wonderful memories. But never ever second guess who you are, where you have been, and most importantly where it is you’re going.”

114.3 Pounds Lost! Week 85

2011-06-23T15:42:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 85

Starting Weight: 316.4

Current Weight: 202.1

Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 114.3
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 27.1

Week In Review

Music: Good Father-Daughter song.....There Goes My Life by Kenny Chesney

I feel like it’s harder and harder to get motivated to blog. I think the biggest reason for that is because I don’t have any results to talk about. I’m not seeing any results. And it’s not like I’m not trying to get results, it’s that I’m not trying very hard. I know how to see the scale go down and it’s 100% dedication and determination. It doesn’t involve drinking and going out to eat and meeting up for happy hours and skipping the gym on the weekends. I know that. There is no ifs-and-buts-etc about it. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to continue to hold myself accountable. I know many of you have been reading my blog from the beginning and trust me…..I’m not going to stop! This has become such an integral part of my weight loss journey and there’s no letting it go anytime soon! I’ve still got a goal to accomplish and I’ll get there…..
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I think another reason that I’m finding it hard to get motivated to blog is because my work routine has completely changed. I used to have my whole day 100% planned out. Like OCD style. Now it’s new programs, new workspaces, new kitchens, new schedules, new everything. I can handle change but at the same time, it’s stressful. I’m trying to get back to my “normal” but that “normal” doesn’t exist anymore. And I kind of figured since it’s the same company and same people, it wouldn’t be too different. But it is. And I’m trying to handle the best way that I can……by cussing….A LOT!
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Our family went to the lake and it was such a great trip! Very relaxing (SEE ABOVE) which was very much needed. It’s funny because most people go to the lake to actually GO TO THE LAKE! Our family just rents a house that looks at the lake! We never get a boat. We never get on the lake. We just eat, drink, and enjoy the view! The amazing thing about my family is that I would rather be sitting around doing nothing with them than anything else in this world! There is never a dull moment or conversation. When I look back years from now, these will be the memories that I will cherish the most.
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A friend of mine from high school recently got diagnosed with Burkitt's lymphoma stage 4 cancer. First, he is 27. Second, he is married with two very, very young children. To say that this news is heartbreaking is an understatement. The perspective of your stresses and your annoyances and your “bad” days suddenly become insignificant and meaningless. It’s bad that terrible events in someone else’s life suddenly makes you look differently at your own life but sometimes it’s the bad that brings out the good. Work REALLY doesn’t matter. Finances REALLY don’t matter. The weight on my scale REALLY doesn’t matter. It’s all insignificant in the long run. The other night I was attempting to complete a run on the treadmill and was really feeling like stopping. But my first thought was “If he can deal with the poking and the prodding and the sleepless nights and the pain and dealing with hearing that you have stage 4 cancer, I can run on this stupid ass treadmill for another 5 minutes!” If I were to call him at that very moment and ask if he wanted to trade places, he would be there in a second. Makes you sit back and re-analyze what you “REALLY” think is hard in your life or unfair or difficult. But Marshall is a very strong man. Always has been. And I’ve never seen more support being given to anyone in my entire life. It’s truly amazing to see how people rally in times like these. If you pray, pray for him and his wife and his children and his family. And if today, you’ve sat around like me and complained about the most insignificant things, do they REALLY matter? Almost 99.9% of the time they don’t.
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I know it’s late but Happy Fathers Day! My co-worker gave me this prayer the other day and I thought it was pretty spot on to how I feel about my own father…..
Lord, please bless our fathers,
these men who mean so much to us,
who are greatly responsible for who we are and who we are becoming.
Bless them for having the courage
to do what’s necessary to keep us out of trouble,
for making us do the right thing,
for helping us build our character,
even when it make us angry;
and bless them for pushing us to do our best,
even when they just want to love us.
Bless our fathers for being our protectors,
for leading us through stormy times to safety,
for making us believe that everything will be all right and for making it so.
Bless our fathers for quietly making a living
to provide for those they love most,
for giving us food, clothing, shelter and the other material things that really matter,
for unselfishly investing time and money in us that they could have spent on themselves. Bless our father,Lord, for saving some energy for fun,
for leading us on adventures to explore the outer reaches of ourselves,
for making us laugh,
for being our playmates and our friends.
Bless them for being our secure foundation, our rock,
for holding on tight to us until its time to let us go.
Lord, bless these men we look up to, our role models, our heroes, our fathers.

Dad- Even though you’re highly inappropriate at times, say weird crap on Facebook, talk too loud (Yes-Louder than me!), dis-invite me to gun shows, flip me off instead of waving, call me a prostitute/whore/slut/what-have-u, never clean your car, wear overalls in public like you’re a farmer, listen to Rush Limbaugh………….I still love you more than you’ll ever know. The reason that I am the person that I am has everything to do with you. And that might mean I cuss too much and I’m loud and I am opinionated but if that makes me more like you, I’m ok with that. Thanks for being the person that you are and the father that you are. Love you Papa.

Quote of the week:

“There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself.”

~John Gregory Brown

114.3 Pounds Lost!! Week 83

2011-06-10T15:54:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 83
Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 202.1
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 114.3
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: gain of 2.5
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 27.1

Week In Review

Music: ‘Back Down South’ by Kings of Leon- New song and I love it!

Lots of craziness around here lately so sorry for the lack of posting…….
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The dieting is going in a completely straight, SOMETIMES elevated, line. A day in the life looks like this:
1. Breakfast: Amaretto Hot Chocolate protein supplement with coffee and a caramel crunch protein bar
2. Lunch: Green Beans, Turkey breast, and cheese cubes
3. Afternoon Snack: Raspberry Protein Supplement with coffee
4. Dinner: Edamame, Tilapia or Crab, cottage cheese
Been sticking to this set-up for a few weeks now since I decided to no longer go to my Dr. My exercise consists of either a running training (depending on how my knee feels), the elliptical, arm weights at my work gym, and a Buttz and Guttz class on Thursdays. I’m normally getting to the gym at least 4 times per week and that’s normally Monday-Thursday. But I’m staying pretty consistent with diet and exercise…… just not staying consistent with my weekend activities!
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I know I’ve said this one million times but the drinking is the problem for me. If I could avoid the beer, it wouldn’t be that big of an issue. Still an issue but beer defeats the “high protein-low-carb” diet. And I’ve tried to the vodka water and crystal light option and that was fine for a while. But the crystal light is expensive and messy when you’re at a bar trying to mix on into your drink! So luckily, they just came out with a new product a few months ago…..Mio Liquid Water Enhancer. It’s zero calories and it’s in a cute little, spill proof bottle. So you can just throw it in your purse. Then you just squeeze as little or much of the flavor into your drink. Easy…easy…easy. Hopefully that will make it easier for the vodka/waters to become a replacement for the carb loaded beers.
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It’s funny because I was sitting at work thinking of things that I could write about on my blog and some material came my way without me even asking for it! We just moved to a new office space so along with that came new people. So I’m walking back from the printer with another lady that works around here and she says “So when are you due?” I didn’t quite hear her correctly and I said “Did you ask what do I do?” and she repeats it again…”No, I said when are you due?” ARE YOU KIDDING ME????!!! I said “Well I’m not pregnant.” So then she kind of gives me the oh-shit look and says “Ohh well people say that to me all the time and I know how hurtful that is. I’m sorry.” WHY IN THE F-BOMB WOULD YOU ASK SOMEONE THAT?????!!! I’m almost positive that I’ve known not to EVER say that to someone and I learned that at a VERY young age. But of course after she says it I start thinking “Oh my god! Does my stomach look that bad??!! Does it look like I’m pregnant?!” That’s horrible. What a hurtful, rude, insensitive, and completely uncalled for comment. I shouldn’t let it bother me but of course it does. If she only knew how far I’ve come. If she only knew how many insecurities I have about my stomach. If she only knew how fat I’ve felt this week. If she only knew that I’ll never forget that someone said that to me and that I’ll never forget that it was her. I know that people are stupid and insensitive and ignorant and naive but just like with most situations, I didn’t ask for that comment!! I didn’t want my feelings hurt today! I was just quietly walking back to my desk without a care in the world! The best thing to do is to just let it slide and not let it affect me. Take this as more motivation to lose the extra weight.
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On a much lighter note, I’ve had a pretty fun summer so far and it’s only going to get better! Going on a family lake trip to Lake of the Ozarks next weekend! Going to a Kenny Chesney concert. Just got tickets to Farmaid to see Dave Matthews. Going to St. Louis a few times to celebrate the future Mrs. Bridgman! Attending our 6th annual trip to Bull Shoals Lake! My life is so blessed and I have so many wonderful friends and family in my life. Lots to be thankful for. Hope all is well with you out in blog world! Sorry for the lack of posting- I’m still here!!!

Quote of the week:

Summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit. A few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the world.

~Ada Louise Huxtable

114.3 Pounds Lost!! Week 80

2011-05-19T15:11:00.001-05:00

How amazing are these pictures of me and my brothers!!! A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 80

Starting Weight: 316.4

Current Weight: 202.1

Height: 5’11’’

Total Pounds Lost: 114.3

Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: gain of 2.5

Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 27.1

Next Weigh-in Date: 05/24/2011

Week In Review

Music: 'Good Life' by One Republic

Another fun weekend ahead! Celebrating Becky’s engagement and Christy’s upcoming nuptials! Both girls are extremely amazing and I’m so excited to celebrate with them! Love you both!

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80% of people who lose weight gain it right back. WHAT???!!! I get daily emails from Oprah.com (YES, BECKY I DO!!!!!) and the article was about Tips To Keep Weight Off Forever. But what a startling statistic.

http://www.oprah.com/health/Tips-To-Keep-Weight-Off-Forever

The article states that in order to be that 20% that keep it off you have to do the following:

-Always eat breakfast
-Put More Movement in your life- Park further away at stores, walk stairs if you can, etc.
-Watch Portions
-Keep Track of Exercise and Diet
-Plan for the rough patches
-Take Small Steps after a slip-up
-Make Special Occasions Count- If you’re eating out because you don’t want to make dinner then watch portions and pick something healthy. If you’re eating out for a special occasion, make it count.
-Don’t wait to get a life (Start doing now what you dream to do.)- Don’t wait until tomorrow for something you can start today. Not sure how I remembered that quote but I like it!
-Be Consistent
-Know it will get easier- The longer you keep the weight off, the less effort it takes. This makes me feel a little better!

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On a more serious note, there are always moments throughout the day that I read something or hear about something and realize that all of my worries, stresses, anxieties, don’t really matter. They’re all so insignificant in the large scheme of things. Kind of like these last 30 pounds I want to lose. Yes they’re important to me. Yes I get stressed about it. I kind of do the “Poor me!” when it comes to what I can and cannot eat or the fact that I’ll always have to watch my diet and exercise or the fact that I’m 27 and so scared about dating or the fact that I spent so long being overweight that I missed out on certain things or whatever it is that I want to get upset or sad about. But as I sit around and feel sorry for myself or have moments of pure self-pity, I read this story: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/morganhayes

This girl is 15 years old. She was having pains last February and it turned out to be a very rare and very aggressive form of muscle cancer. Within a few weeks, her and her parents found out that she had cancer heavily in both lungs, liver, right lymph node, both sides of her pelvis and a tumor next to her heart and in her thigh. From the story, it sounds like she wasn’t really having any symptoms other than some knee pain and now a 1 in 3 chance of survival. 15 years old. As of today she is currently under hospice care and her mother journals about the last few moments that she’ll be having with her child. It makes you take a step back and realize that its all really unimportant in the end. All of lifes frustrations never really mean much when you’re reading a story about how unfair it is that a 15 year old will leave this world right in front of her parents and siblings. And the sad reality of the situation is that this is only one of millions of similar stories. It just makes you step back and realize that every aspect of my life was and is blessed. If you pray……..pray for this family.

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On a much, much lighter note, I’ve decided that I’m going solo on my weight loss efforts. Basically meaning that I’m not going to be going to the Dr as often as I have been. It’s just so much of an extra expense and at some point I have to break away. My new plan is fairly simple though:

-Continue running and cardio activities at the gym. I have this DOWN.

-I’ve found the supplements that I get at the Dr. online at dietdirect.com. It’s basically the same price with the shipping but minus the co-pay at the Dr. Because I’m not under his medical supervision, I won’t ever do the full fast. I would need a prescription to prevent gull stones and it’s just not healthy to be doing a full fast without some kind of supervision.

-My diet plan will look like this:

-Amaretto hot chocolate protein supplement with coffee in the morning (100 calories)
-Greek Yogurt or nuts for mid-morning snack (200 calories)
-FULL protein meal for lunch consisting of lunch meat, chicken, whatever (Still working out exactly what I am going to be eating) (400 calories)
-Caramel Crunch protein supplement bar for snack (100 calories)
-Chocolate Shake protein supplement after workout (100 calories)
-String cheese, veggies, maybe another protein source (300 calories)

I’m still tweaking my diet but this is basically what my idea is…..85-90% of my calories during the day (BEFORE my work-out). So focusing on the bigger meals earlier rather than a bigger meal at night. And hopefully with such a high protein diet, I won’t even be hungry at night. But let’s be honest, I’m always hungry even if I’m really not!

-Put together a free-weights workout routine. The guys are extremely intimidating in the weights area of the gym so my cousin gave me a great idea. Basically put together a workout that only requires free weights. That way I don’t have to move around the weights area and can just focus on me, myself, and I!

-My other option is doing weights/upper/mid/lower body workouts at my gym at work. We have free membership from now until December. Plus I have some other co-workers that would want to join me. This might take away from the intimidation at my after-work gym!

-Thursday there is a “Buttz and Gutz” class at my work gym. We went today and we liked it! So I think I’ll add this into my regular workouts.

-The bottom line is that I need to get into a routine of something that is “normal”. I can’t keep going back and forth from fasting to binging. I need to gain better control over my choices and my routines.

-More on this later……

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http://hardworkcuresall.com/

Mike Donavanik. This guy is BAD ASS!! He is a celebrity trainer but this is his blog. Lots of tips, quotes, motivation, etc. His latest tip:

“If you are counting calories, always overestimate. Studies have shown that people tend to underestimate their caloric intake by as much as 40 percent!!! Underestimating how much you eat will quickly lead to weight gain. Read nutrition labels carefully and know our serving sizes to reduce the likeliness of underestimating your calories."

Go check it out!

Quote of the week:

“Stop saying “I can’t”. You can. You just chose not to.”

114.3 Pounds Lost!! Week 79

2011-05-13T14:07:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 79
Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 202.1
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 114.3
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: gain of 2.5
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 27.1
Next Weigh-in Date: 05/17/2011

Week In Review

Music: ‘Easy on Me’ by the one and only Jeff Black!

THE TRUTHS

I’ve lost 114.3 pounds, can now fit into a size 14 pant and in most stores, am still considered overweight and plus size.

The only reason that I’m motivated to go to the gym on a daily basis is because of the attractive men there.

I may never be happy with my body unless I get plastic surgery.

You get a lot more respect and attention if you have a skinnier body.

Once you get started losing weight, you are on a never-ending, full-speed-ahead train to completely un-chartered territory.

Food that once tasted SOOOOOO good now just fills up my stomach faster and makes me regret the choice completely. But I still do it.

What worked for me, worked for me. What works for you, will work for you.

Working out, sweating, and seeing how many calories you’ve just burned is the second best natural euphoric experience you can have. Just saying!

Looking in the mirror and liking what you see is by the far the greatest reward in terms of weight loss.

Sometimes you just want to give up. The lazy lifestyle was just that…..lazy. It’s easier that way.

If losing weight weren’t hard, everyone would be skinny.

Support systems can either help or hinder. YOU have to choose how to surround yourself.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the “I WANT IT NOW” mentality that I forget how far I’ve really come.

No matter how much I weigh or how much weight I’ve lost, I will still feel like I need to wear capris instead of shorts, tights instead of just my bare legs, and short sleeves instead of tank tops. Hopefully I can get over that someday.

After meeting someone who has lost a significant amount of weight, there is an instant bond or connection. You don’t even have to go into detail because you both just KNOW the ups, downs, and in-betweens.

You can’t regret the lost years or the lost opportunities or the lost experiences. It will only take you back down the same path in which you started.

Spending one day in my “old” lifestyle makes two weeks of my “new” lifestyle seem completely worthless and irrelevant.

If you know that you’ve gained weight, don’t avoid getting on the scale. Own up to it and move on. The longer you avoid, the more you’re going to self-defeat.

Seeing the look on someone’s face that doesn’t recognize you after losing 114 pounds is the most priceless feeling.

At a size 14, my pants still seem a little too tight and the XL’s still feel more comfortable than the L’s. A size 12 is going to be a dream for me!

No matter what my weight, no matter how much weight I’ve lost, no matter how many years I spent being overweight, no matter how long it takes to get to my goal weight, no matter how many insecurities I have, no matter how many ups and downs I’ve gone through, the most important thing is that I’ve seen what I’m capable of achieving and will remember for the rest of my life that something that I NEVER thought was possible, I achieved.

I am going to get to my goal weight. And stay there.

Quote of the week:

“If you want your life to be a magnificent story, then begin by realizing that you are the author & everyday you have the opportunity to write a new page.”

-Mark Houlahan

114.3 Pounds Lost!! Week 78

2011-05-04T15:08:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 78

Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 202.1
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 114.3
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: gain of 2.5
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 27.1
Next Weigh-in Date: 05/17/2011

Week In Review

Music: Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO– If you don’t already have this on your workout playlist, DOWNLOAD NOW!!!! This is also how I felt all weekend!
(Written BEFORE the wedding weekend……)

1. Didn’t weigh in this week. It will be in a few weeks so I’m hoping that I can at least get back under 200 and get this ball rolling. Kind of at a stand still and I’m actually ok with that. I’m not in the “lose this weight” mood right now. I’m just kind of content for now. (FOR NOW!)

2. My best friend, Marisa, is turning 27 on Saturday so I wanted to wish her a Happy Birthday!!! I love you and am so blessed to have such a wonderful, best friend in my life! Can’t wait to see what 27 has to offer! I can only hope it starts with a “B” and ends with a “ABY”! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MESSA!

3. Speaking of Marisa, she LOOKS FABULOUS!!! She has been consistently working out and watching what she’s eating and it’s paying off BIG TIME! Next time you see her (for all that know her!) make sure you check out how smokin’ hot she’s looking! Keep up all the good work- You’re doing awesome!!!!!

4. Also my co-workers are on a big time weight loss/exercise/calorie counting deal and are really kicking some ass! One of my co-workers is only a few pounds away from her pre-baby weight and she just looks fantastic! She even rides her stationary bike with her child sitting on her lap just so she can get exercise! If you want results, you gotta make it work and she’s the perfect example of that. And Nickie (I know you’re reading this!) I’m very proud of you! I can tell that the switch has been switched in you! You’re on the road to success and I’m very excited to be cheering you on from the sidelines!!!

5. I am so excited for this weekend that I can barely stand it!!!! The last time our family had a wedding was ummm……..I don’t even remember! Probably when I was about 5 or 6! So I am so excited to have all of my favorite people in one place, at one time! In case you didn’t know from reading my blog, my family is by far the best on the planet! And add in any kind of celebration, booze, and music……you’re setting up an absolute BLAST!!!! Our family theme song is “Love Shack”. Enough said! But the greatest thing about this wedding is that one full entire day will be 100% all about Holly (my soon-to-be-sister in law). And she deserves that much more often. If you’ve ever met her, you know that she is the most loving, caring, amazing, thoughtful, kind, generous, and just all around the sweetest person you’ll ever meet. And for a full day to be dedicated to all of us celebrating HER……it puts a huge smile on my face. I hope that she feels like a Princess (I know she’ll look like one I hope that she looks around and realizes how many people adore her. I hope that she understands how truly blessed our family is to be adding her into our lives (legally!). And lastly I hope that she knows how much I love her and am so excited to be a part of her special, memorable, unforgettable day! I LOVE YOU HOLLY MERIWETHER!!!!! I am so excited for you to be my sister!!!

(Written AFTER the wedding weekend…….)

6. The weekend was all that I thought it would be and MORE! It was the most memorable and unforgettable weekend! We just had a blast! There were many moments of tears, many moments of laughter, and all around, one of the best weekends I’ve ever had! I tried to explain to Holly how beautiful she looked but beautiful wasn’t even close. I have never seen someone so breathtaking. She was angelic. She looked like she came straight out of a bridal photo shoot! And the weather was absolutely perfect! The weekend was one to remember! I might do a separate post sometime about the weekend because it was just magical!

7. So I finally subscribed back on to match and have been emailing with about 5 different guys! One guy gave me his phone number so we’ve been texting back and forth. Just kind of going with the flow! I think this summer will be VERY interesting in terms of my dating life! Just gotta get past the fears and insecurities of it all! Still working on that!

8. Got some good news at work the other day and we’ve all been kind of waiting for good news for a WHILE! We’re also moving to another floor shortly and basically starting from scratch with all of our programs and what not. I am a big advocate of change. I think it makes me more motivated. I get excited to try out new things so I’m taking all of this as a step in the right direction. I guess only time will tell! But hoping for the best.

9. Finished up my couch-to-5k program and just did my first Bridge-to-10k run the other night. REALLY kicked my ass!! I wasn’t really prepared but I finished it and felt really good. Just VERY sore the next day. So I’m taking it easy for the next few days and giving my knees a break. It’s hard to believe that the other night I actually ran for 4 miles! It’s also VERY hard to believe that in October I will be attempting to run an extra 9 on top of that!!! Am I a crazy person???!!! I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!

10. Very busy this month. Going to Nebraska this next weekend for my cousin’s graduation. CONGRATULATIONS JACLYN!!!! The next weekend I’m going to Columbia for my other cousins graduation. CONGRATULATIONS JARRETT!!!!! The following weekend we’re having a bridal shower for my friend Christy and then having a big blow-out bonfire! VERY excited for that!! CONGRATULATIONS CHRISTY!!!!! And then Memorial Day weekend, we’re hanging out at the lake with friends! Very busy but VERY fun weekends ahead! (Can you see why it’s hard to stay motivated on a diet with this type of schedule??!!!) Oh well- You only live once, right?!!

Quote of the week:

“I’d rather have a life of “oh well’s” than a life of “what ifs”.”

114.1 Pounds Lost!! Week 76

2011-04-20T14:51:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 76
Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 202.3
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 114.1
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: gain of .2
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 27.3
Next Weigh-in Date: 05/17/2011

Week In Review

Music: ‘Wagon Wheel’ sung by Mumford and Sons- Great song!

Some quick updates from the past week:

1. Maintained my weight since the last time I weighed in. I’m actually not upset about that. It’s life. I have to keep learning and teaching myself how to handle everyday situations. With that said, if I didn’t have the crazy exercise habits that I do now, I would have gained weight significantly these last few weeks. Learning lesson of that is just how important exercise is for maintenance as well as weight loss. If you think you can just sit back on the couch and watch weight disappear, it’s NEVER going to happen. You have to be moving for the process to work. Absolutely. No. Doubt. In. My. Mind.

2. Seem to be back on track this week and for some reason, I have no idea why. It’s not like there’s anything different from this week and the past three or four. Same work schedule. Same workout schedule. Same social activities. So I have no idea what the answer is. There’s just something that switches inside of me. Sometimes it involves motivation, determination, perseverance, and consistency. And sometimes it involves a complete binge in the opposite direction. I tried to associate it with being a female and I actually don’t disagree that those issues contribute greatly to struggles with weight loss/maintenance, but it’s not 100% the issue of having good weeks versus bad weeks. It’s an internal switch for me. That’s the only way I can describe it. It’s either up or it’s down. It’s either on or it’s off. Someday I will figure it all out and write a book about it and make millions and millions of dollars!!! HAHA!

3. If you have never heard of Zara (zara.com), I suggest you go check it out. If I lived in a dream world where I could literally buy the whole women’s section, I would do that! I think the closest store is Chicago so the next time I go visit, this is a MUST on the to-do list!

4. I get updates everyday, twice a day that show me houses for sale in the areas and price range that I want. Of course some of them are complete trash. If you haven’t seen houses in the Kansas City area that are UNDER $90k, you should feel privileged. It makes me sad because I know that some of these houses have ACTUALLY been lived in and it makes me sick to my stomach. They just need to be completely torn down. But some are just perfect for me. So everyday this is the cycle. Email comes in. Look over properties. Find one that is just perfect. Realize that I’m rent/mortgage free. Still don’t care. Want to have my things back. Want a house to decorate. Want a house to entertain in. Realize that I’ve been without a raise for 3 years now with absolutely no hint/sign/glimpse that this situation will change. Realize that once I move, there is no turning back! Won’t ever move back in. Still don’t care. Want to have my things back. Want a house to decorate. Want a house to entertain in. Then it hits me and I realize the single most important thing that keeps me where I’m at. My parents would miss the SHIT out of me! HA!

5. I know that I’ve mentioned before the whole match.com thing. I went on 2 dates, emailed back and forth with some people, tried my best to put myself out there (my close friends would disagree completely!), but my subscription ended and I was totally ok with that. I pretty much talked myself out of it. I then realized that you can keep your account opened (with your pics, info, etc), hide your profile so that people know you’re not available at the time, and not have to pay any subscription. Well my best friend kept telling me that I should get back on it, keep trying, put up some new updated pictures, and don’t give up on it. So I put up some updated, newer pics and made my profile “unhidden”. That was about 9 days ago. Since then, I have had my profile viewed 288 times, 14 winks sent, and 9 emails from various guys! Can. You. Believe. That! Kind of exciting!! But of course since I still haven’t paid for the subscription, I can’t view any of the emails. Hopefully they’re not some child predator/60 year old with no teeth/9 different kids with 9 different wives/type of guy! Nevertheless, things like this really have that “shock” value for me. There are 288 people that saw my picture and wanted to click on it?? There are 9 guys that saw my picture and decided to send me an email?? I’m still kind of baffled when it comes to seeing myself through other people’s eyes. I can hear that I’m pretty, skinny, worthy, etc every single second of every single day and night. But until I can start believing that, the insecure, overweight girl is still going to be in charge of my confidence. I know that when I see a picture of myself I’m looking at someone that doesn’t look like me but yet at the same time, I know it is. And I like the pictures that I see. It’s just that I look at them from some kind of alternate universe like “Huh, that’s odd that this picture is actually me!” The one good thing that I can say is that it’s definitely getting better. I’m slowly (KEY WORD s…..l……o…..w…..l…….y) getting better.

6. Nothing else to say other than hope you all have a great Easter weekend!

7. Ohh and only 10 more days until Luke and Holly GET MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote of the week:

“Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel, always. Be you, and be okay with it.”

114.3 Pounds Lost!! Week 75

2011-04-11T16:21:00.001-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 75

Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 202.1
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 114.3
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: gain of 2.5
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 27.1
Next Weigh-in Date: 04/19/2011

Week In Review

Music: ‘A Little Bit Stronger’ by Sara Evans – Loving this song!

1. Still not back on track with the weight loss. My motivation to tell myself “NO” has somehow gotten lost in the warm weather, patio, beer drinking events as well as the overall euphoria that everyone is experiencing with the spring weather finally arriving.

2. Almost done with my ‘Couch-To-5k’ program. Got some new running shoes on Sunday and did a 28-minute run yesterday and felt fantastic! Only 5 more runs to complete that program and then moving straight into the ‘Bridge to 10k’ program. Excited to just keep continuing on with my running.

3. Joined a kickboxing class that is on Saturday mornings at 8 am! Yeah. That’s EARLY! It’s called Turbo Kick n’ Jam and it’s awesome! The teacher is great and the actual class is so fun! Love getting back into those kickboxing moves! There’s something about punching the hell out of the air that instantly relieves stress!

4. Al has lost 188 pounds in the past year! Not only does he document his journey as inspiration for the rest of us, but he also just keeps it real. Not only does it mean a lot to relate but to also realize that men and women have the same issues. NONE of us are alone in this struggle. He gave me a pretty badass shout out on his blog the other day and so I felt like returning the favor! Thanks Al!

5. Ohh and I almost forgot to mention! Gym boy is MARRIED! I guess his idea of marriage is to still act available and interested in random girls at the gym! Shady, shady!

6. Speaking of the gym, my best friend Becky got ENGAGED!!!!! Congratulations girlfriend!!!!!! I am so excited and so happy for you! Your wedding is going to be f-a-b-u-l-o-u-s just like you are! CAN’T WAIT!!!

7. I don’t really keep a lot of secrets and I’m a pretty open book so sharing this doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. But for a while now, I’ve thought it would be good to go and see a counselor. Talk through some of the major life changes that I’ve experienced. Try to figure out why I can’t move past some of those old habits. I found a lady in Claycomo who sounds pretty legit. She’s also lost over 100 pounds so there’s NO WAY she won’t understand some of the trials you go through after that kind of experience. But she deals with addictions, stress management, and life management counseling. I haven’t decided 100% that I want to go, but I’m also not ruling it out. It could be extremely beneficial for me. I’ll keep you guys updated if I do go and talk with her.

8. Did another personal training session this week. Felt great! After I get done with any kind of personal training, I just feel these muscles that I’ve never felt before! It’s crazy to be feeling your leg and think “What in the world is that?!” and then realize that it’s completely normal because it’s my CALF MUSCLE! Amazing how much fat can cover up those important parts of your body!

9. As you all know, my brothers wedding is coming up in a few weeks. It’s hard to believe that it’s been about a year and a half in the making and it’s FINALLY here! It’s going to be a surreal type of experience finally seeing my brother getting married. And especially to see him marrying someone who has become one of my best friends who I love with all my heart. Being asked to stand up with Holly and to be so close to such a magical moment in their lives means so much to me. And then to know that we’ll all be surrounded by so many people that I love….it’s just going to be such a great weekend! I can hardly even wait! But we’ve been hammering out details for the rehearsal dinner and it’s all just so much fun! Lots of cute little decorations and details! It’s going to be so much fun to see it all put together and to finally say “Luke and Holly are married!”

10. Nothing else to say other than Happy Monday and I hope you all have a great week! Hope it’s short and sweet!!!!!!!

Quote of the week:

“A year from now you will wish you had started today.”

-Karen Lamb

116.8 Pounds Lost!!! Week 72

2011-03-31T15:58:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 72
Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 199.6
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 116.8
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: loss of 10.4
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 24.6
Next Weigh-in Date: 04/05/2011

Week In Review

Music: ‘Fall For Your Type’ by Jamie Foxx Feat Drake

I called it on the last blog post but I knew that the weight gain wasn’t going to be as significant as it truly was. The weight just fell off but mainly it was water weight from carb-loading as well as my cycle. Still up but getting back on track now!

Been meaning to write about this for a long time now. Having some major internal struggles when it comes to guys/dating/relationships etc. No, I am not dating anyone so it’s not like I have any real life experience to be talking about! It’s just the IDEA of dating that is causing the problems. I’ve been trying to analyze what my problem is for a few months and I just can’t get it figured out.

I am so absolutely terrified of dating. And I thought what would ease my worries would be to focus on guys that I already know or have liked in the past and see if anything can work with them. BAD. BAD. BAD. Call. That actually became one of my New Years Resolutions this year! No more backtracking. If something should have worked out, it would have. No more false hopes in guys that I have absolutely no future with…….for many more reasons than just one.

So that leads me to finding someone that I DON’T know already. Terrifying. Tried the whole virtual world thing and for right now, it just creeps me out for some reason. Maybe someday I’ll try it again. Don’t want to meet someone at P&L because they only want one thing and one thing only. Not future-husband-daddy type of material! Work is 99% females. Enough said on that. All of my friends of friends and family friends that I know are dating, engaged, or married. No options there. I have no extracurricular activities other than the gym. So perfect option is “gym guy”, right?! (No I STILL have no name!) But I have been eyeing him for ATLEAST 2 months! And by eyeing him, I mean that I literally stare at him every single day, wait to make eye contact, smile, and then repeat each and every day! It wasn’t until last week that I actually got up the nerve to literally just say “HI” to the guy! So long (details, looks, smiles, body language, etc) story short, almost 100% positive that he was trying to talk to me last night and I completely blew him off! The kind of blow off that made me feel so sick to my stomach! Like “WHAT IN THE F-BOMB DID I JUST DO????!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!” I’ve had this feeling many, many times leaving the gym!

So the bottom line is that I need to figure out why I feel so scared about this? (YES I'm making ANOTHER list! It's what I do people!)

1. I’ve had my feelings hurt. Numerous times. The easiest way to avoid getting hurt is to avoid situations that allow someone to hurt you!

2. I have never had a boyfriend. I’m 27 years old and I have NEVER had a boyfriend.

3. I don’t know “how” to date…..if there is such a thing. I don’t know what you do after you say Hi. I don’t know what you do after you introduce yourself. I don’t know what you do after a first date. Etc. Etc. Etc. It’s ALL new and un-chartered territory for me.

4. Guys have never been interested in me or looked my way in the way that they are now. Not that anyone has proposed marriage or anything but I have more encounters with guys than I EVER, EVER, EVER have in my life.

5. Not that a guy is going to see my body anytime soon but it’s a HUGE issue still. Something that is really hard for me to get used to and deal with. I am seriously lacking in the confidence area when it comes to my body. I like my clothes but take those away and I’ve got a whole different set of insecurities. Surely the same that every woman has. I know I’m not alone in that at least.

6. I’m afraid I’m going to embarrass myself because of my lack of experience in the relationship department. Say the wrong things too soon or be too open or not be open enough.

7. I have no control over the situation. I have control in ALL aspects of my life. Dating is not something that you can plan out in an Excel spreadsheet!

8. I have placed myself at the back of the line so many times for so many years that I don’t know how to end the self-sabotage. This is a deep one. And I feel like this might be the biggest issue that I face.

Bottom line is that I over analyze the hell out of EVERYTHING! I REALLY want to talk to this guy. I want to figure out if I like him or not so that I can move on! And I’m ok with moving on in either direction!!! My fears are holding me back from doing something that I desperately want to do and that is to find someone to spend time with and go out with and talk to. I want to experience this major part of life that I’ve been missing out on. The fun parts as well as the not-so-fun parts.

All I know is that I am capable of pushing myself to break past my barriers. I have proved that above and beyond in the past year and a half. So this is just another hurdle. Another leap into unknown territory! And yes it scares the shit out of me but I’ve survived a lot of leaps. And none of them proved to be fatal!

Quote of the week:

“To get something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.”

Quick Update- No new weigh-in

2011-03-24T14:01:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 71

Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 210.0
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 106.4
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: GAIN of 13
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 35
Next Weigh-in Date: 03/29/2011

1. No new weigh-in since the last time I blogged but wanted to update a few other items.

2. I said “Hi” to my gym guy! But no name. No information. Just a “Hi!”. And I didn’t die or faint or throw-up or get rejected! Someday I will figure out that saying “Hi” doesn’t mean “Will you be my husband, please??!!” This will be the main subject of my next blog post. I’ve got a lot to say on the subject!

3. Did a free personal training session at my gym last night and I’m REALLY feeling it today! This girl is great and really is quite the rockstar! It’s $20 for a “personal” group session each time but it is well worth it. There were about 8-10 other girls there but you never really noticed. She had each person doing their own thing, targeted on their own problem areas, and never once did I sit still with nothing to do. I wish money were no object because I would love to go to her a few times a week. My body would be BANGIN!!!!

4. My second to oldest brother is turning 30 this Saturday!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUKE!!!! Love you very much!

5. Like I said in my last post, the 13 pounds that I gained is truly NOT 13 pounds. The numbers have flown off of my scale at home and I’m ALMOST back on track. ALMOST. I really messed up my plan the last few weeks but can’t beat myself up over it. They happened and it’s time to move on. Just hoping that once I weigh-in next week I’ll be a little closer to 197 than 210!! HA!

6. When I was at the Dr’s office, he was mentioning again that I should do a half-marathon. I know why he says it because he knows that his words are like gold to me and I listen to what he says! So we started talking about the general idea of having a goal. I have a goal weight in mind but not necessarily any goal that is motivating me to go above and beyond. These last two years, I’ve had Hospital Hill as a “goal”. This year, I don’t have anything that I’m seeing in the distance as a motivator. I know that I am a procrastinator. I know I’ve said numerous things before that I have never done. I know that each day/week I say “I’m going to do this! I’m going to do that!” and never do it. But this is for real. I’m going to sign up for the Kansas City Waddell & Reed Half marathon. It’s October 15th, which gives me plenty of time to get prepared. And I don’t care if I have to walk some of it or if I can run the whole time but I am starting at the start line and finishing at the finish line.

7. Holly’s wedding shower was this past weekend and we had a blast! Lots of good memories, fun stories, good eats, and plenty of very much enjoyed girl time! They’re wedding is going to be such a freaking blast! Can’t wait!

8. Speaking of last weekend, I had a few vacation days off of work. It’s amazing what that does to my attitude once I get back to work. Sometimes vacation days are VERY much needed and they definitely were this time around. I felt a little more rejuvenated than I have in a long time on Monday.

9. I have a lot of wedding on my mind because it’s something that I’ve been looking forward to for a long time. I know Luke and Holly have it on their mind 100% more than I do but I literally can’t wait! I am also so excited because I haven’t seen my whole Nebraska family in SO LONG!!! And they’re all going to be around for ALL of the festivities! My family is just so amazing and I can’t wait to see everyone!

10. Landon is getting so BIG!!!! Had to add a few updated pictures! This little guy is going to be wearing a tux at the wedding!!! I’m not going to be able to handle that cuteness!!

Quote of the week:

“I’m not bi-polar, I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.”
-Charlie Sheen’s recent rant

106.4 Pounds Lost!! Week 71

2011-03-21T16:08:00.000-05:00

Week In Review

Music: Adele 'Chasing Pavements'

O.M.G. Haven’t blogged in a few weeks. Which almost always can mean that I’ve gone off plan. Which I have. I weighed in this morning and it was NOT pretty. A gain of 13 pounds. In 20 days. Not good. Most likely this number is REALLY not as high as it is and the only reason I know that is because I’m pretty good with knowing my weigh-in patterns. The 13 is a combination of VERY bad food, lots and lots and lots of beer but it’s also day #2 of my period as well as a LOT of carb loading the last few days. I am not in any way making any excuses, I’m just really good at my weight patterns at this point. I’ve been watching the scale for 71 weeks now!! So I’ve become pretty familiar with what happens to the number after a binge weekend, a night out, as well as a few WEEKS of going off plan. But have no fear, my mind is back in the right spot and I’ll get back down. I am not doubtful in the slightest. Just had a setback.

When I was sitting in the Dr’s office this morning I told him that when I know I’ve gained, I absolutely hate going in and stepping on the scale because I feel embarrassed. He said “No one is here to judge you or make you feel bad. We’re here to help and figure out a solution to the problem.” And his response was something that made me realize that it’s not about the number. (I mean, it is…..BUT) It’s about teaching yourself to just be able to live life at that number. It’s about learning ways to handle the moments that will test your dedication. It’s about understanding why certain emotions and feelings cause me to act out in the ways that I do. And again, all of this is BRAND new. My birthday was last week, as well as Snake Saturday (a Kansas City St Patricks Day festivity), along with St. Patricks Day, and a few other social events. But this is the VERY first year that I’ve ever been at this weight, with these circumstances, and with this new lifestyle. And I’m not going to say that I failed because I didn’t even attempt to try. It’s just my way of dealing with these situations in a way that I’m NOT setting myself up to fail. So I would say that my first year was a HUGE learning lesson. Because I will have a birthday next year. I will want to celebrate St. Patty’s next year. And the year after that. And the year after that. So this year, I didn’t plan and I didn’t watch ANYTHING that I was doing and it resulted in a 13-pound weight gain. Now is the time to analyze why, learn about myself and my actions, understand how I can deal with these same things year after year, and not completely beat myself up about it. Which brings me to this quote I read the other day:

“Patience is key. It took me a really long time to lose the weight. I think I became successful when I accepted that some weeks I would gain and that was OK. I didn’t let weight gain give me an excuse to throw in the towel. When I realized I didn’t have to be perfect, I was able to commit.”

I didn’t want to be perfect these last few weeks and so I wasn’t. I have to be patient enough to truly understand myself, teach myself how to handle all of the situations that will come up in my life, and know that I will NOT be perfect. I’m going to have weeks when I gain weight. I’m going to have weeks that I’ve lost a lot and been so great. I’m going to have weeks that I’ve great with food but bad with exercise. And vice-versa. It’s almost like the movie The Notebook:

Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
Young Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Young Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?

(Pause for a moment- I’m crying!) But take the context out and replace it with my weight loss. It’s not going to be easy. It’s something that I will have to work at daily/weekly/monthly/yearly. Man, now I want to go watch The Notebook for the 1,000 time!

Another big moment for me this past week was figuring out why there is one week out of each month that I am absolutely starving. This also normally corresponds with my binge moments. If you are a male reading this, you probably won’t want to continue reading. You’ve been warned. But when I first started this supplement program, my period was not normal for months. Once I got down to more of a maintenance stage, everything started getting more and regular. And I actually started keeping track of my periods on an iphone app (P Tracker Lite) which is REALLY supposed to be used for fertility and timing your most fertile periods of the month so you can get pregnant. I AM NOT CONCERNED WITH THAT ASPECT JUST SO WE’RE ALL CLEAR! So the app allows you to enter in the day you start, the symptoms, the day you end, and it projects your next start date. The application also has marked the week of the month that your body is the most fertile and an exact date when your body is ovulating. Again, for fertility purposes. But after these last few months of being back on the supplements, I started realizing that about one week of the month, I am literally STARVING. My emotions are normally off and all of this combined is leading to binges. So after three months of this, I finally got it. My body feels this way for a week straight every single month…….during the week marked on my application as my “fertile/ovulating” week. I researched a little but can’t really find any solid evidence that this could possibly be the case but for me….Problem solved!!! It just can’t be a coincidence that I am strong, capable, determined, and extremely motivated individual for 20 something-days straight and then all of the sudden I am ready to jump ship! It HAS to be some kind of chemical imbalance during that week that causes me to feel so drained….emotionally AND physically. I know that a few people that I’ve talked with about it also agree that at least one week of the month they’re the same way. And it’s normally not the week OF their period but week’s BEFORE. So I’m curious to hear if anyone out there that reads my blog feels the same way. Maybe we’re on to some kind of magical breakthrough!

Quote of the week:
Since I’m on the subject of The Notebook……

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

Swoon.

119.4 Pounds Lost!!! Week 67

2011-03-01T16:17:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 67

Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 197.0
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 119.4
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: 2.0
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 22
Next Weigh-in Date: 03/15/2011 (My BIRTHDAY!)

Week In Review

Music: ‘Use Your Love’ by Katy Perry- My new workout jam!

1. After Nashville, I feel so good about my 2-pound weight loss! I didn’t pay attention to any calories or what I should or should not be eating and drinking the WHOLE weekend! So losing 2 pounds since then makes me feel very good. It actually makes me realize how hard I’ve worked since we got back because I was UP in weight when we got back. And I was up A LOT!

2. For some reason, when I say that I’m going to “enjoy myself” that automatically means that I am going to EAT whatever I want. Why do I connect enjoying myself to eating fattening, bad-for-you, food? I could have easily enjoyed myself in Nashville without having the WORST possible choices on the menu. I could still enjoy a great salad or a great chicken item or whatever. Once I stop the supplements, this is something that I’m going to have to address and really work on.

3. I have a BIG gym crush!! I have no idea what his name is. I know nothing about him. I haven’t even been able to get myself to say Hi! Which then leads me to come home and ask my mom “WHAT IN THE F-BOMB IS WRONG WITH ME????!!!!” We make eye contact the WHOLE time we’re at the gym and it’s been going on for a few weeks now. I smile but just cannot get myself to actually say anything!! Last night I was standing directly behind him at the water fountain and again….NOTHING!!

4. Am I ever going to get over my 300-pound insecurities????? I know exactly why I don’t want to say anything to guys and it’s because anytime I’ve ever said anything to a guy in the past or put myself out there, I’ve been shut down. Either in a harsh, mean way or an “I don’t find you attractive” kind of way. At one point I literally stopped even imagining that I would ever date anyone. I just thought that once I was skinnier, I would magically be this different person. But I’m still insecure and I still feel the same anxieties that I did a year ago. The only difference is that the guys that I look at are actually looking back now. Which makes me even more terrified!

5. “To get something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.”

6. Starting tomorrow, I will be the proud user of the Bodybugg! If you don’t know anything about it, you can read more about it here: http://www.bodybugg.com/ My doctor has been recommending this product to me for quite some time and he actually uses it for his dieting efforts. It’s an arm band that you wear 23 hours a day that gives you a 90% accuracy rate on the amount of calories you burn during the day. Here is the information from the website: “The bodybugg armband is more accurate than a pedometer for calculating calories burned because it is "watching" your body from four different perspectives. A pedometer only measures steps. In addition to measuring motion and steps, the armband is able to see how much you are sweating, your skin temperature and the rate at which heat is being dissipated from your body. These additional physiological parameters give the bodybugg system a more complete picture of what your body is doing and its level of exertion, all of which means a much more accurate estimation of your calories burned.” In terms of weight maintenance, this bodybugg is going to be key. I will know the exact amount of calories that I need to burn in order to keep my weight off. It’s just another tool for teaching myself more about this new lifestyle. Once I get started, I’ll give an update on what I think about it.

7. I found a camera class at the Best Buy over by Zona Rosa. Which is actually where I bought my camera. But the class goes over all of the stuff you need to know in order to work an SLR camera. It’s $80 but I feel like it will be well worth it. So for any SLR camera owners around Kansas City (Shout out to Miss Laci!), let me know if you would like to join me and I’ll give you all the details!

8. My dress fitting for Luke and Holly’s wedding is April 7th. So I have exactly 37 more days to get to a good spot in my weight loss. 5 more weeks. Not that I want to magically get to my goal weight by then but it would be nice to be within 10-15 pounds of it. I have 22 more pounds to go so if I can get down another 7 more pounds, I’ll be feeling pretty good about myself.

9. I AM ONLY 22 POUNDS AWAY FROM MY GOAL WEIGHT!!! 22 pounds!!

10. I have nothing else to say other than I hope I can grow some cahoona’s and actually talk to “gym guy” tonight!!!!!!
Quote of the week:

“Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.”

117.4 Pounds Lost!! Week 66

2011-02-24T15:25:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 66
Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 199.0
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 117.4
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: 2.8
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 24
Next Weigh-in Date: 03/01/2011

Week In Review

Music: ‘Crazy Town’ by Jason Aldean

No weigh-in until Tuesday so no new weight to report. Which is a GREAT thing because I just got back from Holly’s bachelorette weekend in Nashville! And it was a freaking blast!!! Lots of laughing until we were crying! Lots of drinking! Lots of eating! And lots and lots of inside jokes!! Here are some pictures of the weekend that I’ll keep PG!

Also been using my new camera a LOT! And I love it! Just gotta keep working with it so I can learn how to really use it and not just keep it on Auto!

117.4 Pound Lost!!! Week 65

2011-02-17T15:26:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 65
Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 199.0
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 117.4
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: 2.8
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 24
Next Weigh-in Date: 03/01/2011

Week In Review

Music: ‘I Feel Good’ by the one and only James Brown!

Ahhh….. I finally weigh UNDER 200 POUNDS!!! The closest I was to 200 before I started the program again was 202.9 at the end of August 2010. So since then, I have been looking at the scale and waiting for that 100 number. And it’s finally arrived!

Each number on the scale truly does mean something to me. Whether it’s a good feeling or a bad feeling, it’s still a representation of how far I’ve come or how far I’ve still got to go.

In the 300’s………I. WILL. NEVER. let myself feel what the 300’s made me feel. EVER. AGAIN. What a deep, dark, sad, place. I felt doomed. So overweight that there was no other result for me. I was just going to have to accept that I was fat and move on with my life. 316 pounds. Just such a lonely and destructive number. I can tell you that without a shadow of a doubt, I will never be mentally or psychically in the 300’s ever again in my life. I just wouldn’t be able to handle that again.

In the 200’s……….Everything was so fast paced for me during the 200’s. Still very memorable though.

In the 290’s, 280’s…..Still way too close to the 300’s to be feeling a sense of accomplishment. Realizing how much of a life change I am going to continue to have in order to reach my goals. Feeling a sense of sadness for my old habits but yet enjoying the weight loss.

In the 270’s, 260’s, 250’s, 240’s….Finally seeing what I am capable of. Seeing an accomplishment on a daily basis. Realizing every single, little, tiny, thing that is somehow better or different than before. Which was pretty much everything! Knowing for a fact that I am going to reach that 100 pound mark with absolutely no turning back.

In the 230’s, 220’s, 210’s……I was so extremely close to my 100 pound mark that it was the only thing I could think about. Then after I hit the 100 pound mark, I felt like I reached some kind of personal best! How can I top such a huge personal achievement? EVER?! What should I do next?! What is bigger than THIS?! I have never, ever, in my life felt so proud. The hold-my-head-up-as-high-as-possible proud! That feeling lasted for quite some time. It lasted from about April until December to be exact!

In the 200’s, I was stuck. The excitement of ALMOST being 200 pounds and also finally achieving that 100 pound mark made me loosen up the reins on my weight loss efforts. Not completely, but put it on a postponed status. I felt like stepping out and enjoying the fact that I was 100 pounds lighter! Enjoy all of those drinks. Enjoy all of those meals. Enjoy the holidays that I missed (figuratively) the year before. And I did. And I gained back weight. But I truly did enjoy myself there for a while. Until it became way too close for comfort. My old habits crept back in. Loneliness, sadness, depressed feelings crept back in. I could see just how easily I could get back to 300 pounds. Scary. As. Shit. I had to figure out if I was going back up or attempting to go back down. During this time of staying below 220’s but above 200’s, I realized that this was a crucial figure-this-out-and-learn-from-this type of situation. If I’m going to be successful in this weight loss journey, I believe this time of going up and going back down was the best representation of what I’m going to have to deal with. Understanding my weaknesses and my vulnerabilities. Learning how to overcome those past habits that felt so wonderful to me for so many years. Taking each day one by one. Never giving up. Seeing that number and realizing what that number means to me. Whether I feel it’s too high or not low enough. I’ve seen a lot of 200’s………..I’m kind of over them.

And now in the 100’s……….Even though I am currently in Day #2 of the 100’s, I am convinced that I will stay here for as long as possible. I like this feeling of the 100’s! It’s a good place! A place that truly shows the length of my journey so far. It’s just another moment that I’ve thought would never take place and it did. Another justification that if you want something to change, if you want your life to be different, if you want to feel different, you can. It’s just figuring out how to get there. Sometimes you succeed. Sometimes you fail. Sometimes you go backwards. Sometimes you freaking blow things out of the water. But it’s just the thought that something I’ve always wanted is staring at me on the scale and I actually did it. And I can continue to do it as long as I keep telling myself that I can. As long as I can remember the 300’s and the 200’s and how much that journey has taught me about myself and my convictions and my determination. As long as I keep having faith in myself, I can stay in this place for a very long time. And I intend to!

So long 200’s! You weren’t meant for me either!

Quote of the week:
I think I’ve used this one before but it’s SOOOO true.

Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right.
~Henry Ford

114.6 Pounds Lost!! Week 64

2011-02-11T15:14:00.000-06:00

"Before Pic" 2007

"Before Pic" May 2006

AFTER!!! Much better!

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 64
Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 201.8
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 114.6
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: 6.3
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 26.8
Next Weigh-in Date: 02/16/2011

Week In Review

Music: ‘Beast of Burden’ by The Rolling Stones- Don’t pay attention to the lyrics! Just like the song! Reminds me of summer time which I need. Bad.

I….am…..almost……there…..! Under 200 is calling my name!!! I absolutely cannot wait!

This week has been a bit challenging. Not in terms of eating/snacking/etc. Just in terms of emotions. This program is not conducive to positive thinking! It definitely takes you to some dark places! And if I read back through when I was doing this program the first time, I had a lot of those dark moments. So nothing new. Just one of the downsides to doing something this drastic. I guess the missing nutrients really affect that part of your brain that makes you feel happy! Something!!!

So instead of continually seeing the negative in everything, I had to take a step back:

1. I’ve lost 114 pounds! Wow. Wow. Wow.

2. This is the lowest I’ve weighed for as long as I can remember!

3. This is the lowest I’ve ever weighed in at the Dr’s office!

4. This is the most weight I can say I’ve lost since I started this a year and a half ago!

5. I only have 26 more pounds until my goal weight!

6. I am almost in the 100’s!

7. My size 16 pants no longer fit me….AT ALL! And the 14’s are starting to feel loose!

8. XL shirts are TOO big!

9. My stomach appears to be shrinking! With the addition to the 13.8 pounds I’ve lost since January 5th, I started adding ab exercises at the gym and it seems to be working! (I might someday have the guts to put up before and after pics but I highly doubt it!)

10. I’ve lost an average of 2.76 pounds a week since January 5th!

There are a lot of things for me to be proud of and excited about. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of EVERYTHING, I need to remind myself of just how big of an accomplishment I have made. I actually just sent an email to someone and realized that I could use the same advice. She’s redecorating her house and is frustrated and wants the results to be done NOW. But my advice to her was that it will all be worth it in the end. And that’s something that I need to keep thinking. It sucks somedays. It’s hard somedays. I get discouraged and aggravated. I want the weight to be gone NOW! But when I see 175, none of it will matter. I won’t be upset that I didn’t eat at all of these occasions with my family. I won’t be upset that I didn’t binge drink for 2 months. I won’t remember all of these “bad” days. It will ALL be worth it in the end.

Sorry I don’t have a lot to say for these last two weeks. My mind is at a stand still! Maybe because its Friday and this weekend is supposed to be sunny and warm and I am in DESPERATE need of that!!!! Hope you all have a great weekend!

Quote of the week:

“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
-Albert Einstein

108.3 Pounds Lost!! Week #62

2011-01-27T16:38:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 62

Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 208.1
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 108.3
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: 0 Zilch Zero None Zilch
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 33.1
Next Weigh-in Date: 02/02/2011

Week In Review

Music: ‘Higher Ground’ by Jeff Black- For you BB

This post is going to be really embarrassing for me to share with you all. Not sure if embarrassing is the “exact” word but maybe more along the lines of sharing something that makes me feel weak and vulnerable and kind of sad. These things that I’m about to confess are hard to write because I really don’t want anyone to know about them. But I first sat here and typed a whole post about excuses for my zero pound weight loss and then deleted it. Then I tried to type up another post about how I can do better, what I need to fix, and then deleted it as well. Each time I was reading back over what I was writing, I realized that I was just lying. I was just trying to make it sound better because then there’s no judgment and I don’t feel so defeated.

Lets just say that after I left the Dr yesterday, I was pretty down. I cried a little. I complained. I felt like giving up. I questioned what I was doing. I felt sorry for myself. I was mad, sad, angry, confused, disappointed. And now I’m just slowly trying to snap out of it and continue on. So here goes the last week……

WEDNESDAY: Once I left the Dr’s last week, I immediately went to the gas station and got food. After the gas station, I went to CVS and picked up more food. Long story short, I consumed about 3,500 calories (if not more) of food in the matter of only a few hours. To be keeping up with the fact that I’m trying to be honest, I ate the following:

99 cent bag of cheez-its
1 box of milk duds
1 medium size bag of kettle corn from CVS
1 medium size bag of caramel corn from the gas station
Large fat free french vanilla cappuccino
99 cent bag of Doritos
5 mini lasagnas that I made the other night for my family covered with mozzarella cheese

I ate all of this in probably 2 hours. And I felt like shit. I felt like I couldn’t move. I felt sad. I felt lonely. I felt defeated. Not once did I sit there and think “Man, I really enjoy this food!” I just felt so out of control. I felt like I could have kept eating until I was literally needing to go to the emergency room. And there’s nothing that I have to excuse it. There was nothing that happened at work or with my friends or with my family or anything. I wasn’t sad about anything. I wasn’t starved. I didn’t even want the food. I just bought it and then ate it. And while I was eating it, I just thought “Man, my stomach is REALLY full right now.” But that didn’t stop me from continuing to eat it. I was actually scared because I thought my stomach was literally going to explode! That’s how full I felt. That’s how much food I crammed into my stomach in such a short amount of time. And to be fully aware that I was actually doing something like this was so completely screwed up to me that I literally just sat there emotionless. I couldn’t even comprehend what I was doing. I still can’t tell you what I was doing or why I was doing it. I just did.

THURSDAY, FRIDAY: Totally fine. I was so completely ashamed of my eating on Wednesday night that I was literally disgusted by food. I’m almost positive that the only thing I added on top of my supplements was a 24oz, fat-free, French vanilla cappuccino from Quiktrip on Friday night. Still not good because of the mass amount of carbs. Which basically defeats the whole program that I’m doing just by itself!! Forget Wednesday’s mishap, the cappuccino alone sabotages my efforts!

SATURDAY: Not too bad but still that out of control feeling. I was watching my niece and nephew and of course they have a whole kitchen filled with food. Plus no one was there to watch what I was eating. I mean Hazel was but she doesn’t care what I’m eating! So I ate some fruit loops. I ate some cheetos. I ate some pretzels. I ate some candy. I ate some more fruit loops. I ate some more cheetos. Add in a 24oz fat-free, French vanilla cappuccino from Quiktrip that morning as well as a large, skinny, caramel macchiato from Starbucks in the afternoon. It wasn’t as overboard as Wednesday by ANY means, but still probably around 800-1000 extra calories for the day. Things could have been much worse this day. Meaning, once I left my brothers, I almost went to McDonalds and who the hell knows how bad that could have gone. And I truly can’t tell you why I didn’t go to McDonalds. It could have been that the light wasn’t green so I just kept going. No idea. The rest of the night was fine minus a few carrots at my brothers and a few bites of chili.

SUNDAY: The start of this mass consumption day goes back to about 2 weeks ago when I bought candy for some gift bags that I made. I bought a giant bag of mini-sized peanut M&M’s as well as a giant bag of Hershey’s kisses. I have consumed every single bag of peanut M&M’s as well as every single Hershey kiss. And the real problem with this scenario is that I had already finished the gift bags so anytime I wanted to eat a Hershey kiss or a bag of M&M’s, I had to undo the gift bags and find them. On Sunday, I finally was sick of digging through all of the bags so I went through them all and put all of the left over candy out on my bed. I then ate every……single……little……piece of chocolate left. I am guessing somewhere between 5-6 small bags of peanut M&M’s (because I had already ate the rest of them) and probably between 40-50 kisses. Also add in two more 24oz fat-free, French vanilla cappuccinos from Quiktrip.

MONDAY, TUESDAY: Again, totally fine but I was so disgusted with my behavior over the weekend that I was ok with just having my supplements. I don’t think I had any coffees these two days but if any, I might have had another Quiktrip coffee. Don’t remember though (another fun side-effect of my supplement program).

You know when they talk about food addiction and people feel like it’s bogus or have some argument that it’s not a real addiction? I certainly believe that it’s 100% real. Last Wednesday it was real. It was almost scary real for me. And when people say that losing weight is hard, I certainly believe that it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done so far in my life.

There are some things to remember though. I can wake up each day and start fresh. I can change my past behaviors. I can realize that I’m not alone. And I’m sure after I post this, I will get responses that prove that my support system is there for me through the good posts and the bad posts! And as embarrassing (personal) as it is to put this stuff out there, no one will judge me because we all struggle with our own issues. Mine just happens to be with food. But I’ve come a long way and I’ve still got a lot to learn about myself. I can’t figure it all out in 62 weeks and I don’t intend to figure it out in another 62. It’s been 25 years of creating these habits and it’s not going to take 62 weeks to break them all down. Just have to take it one day, by one day, by one day.

Quote of the week:

“Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow.”

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

Week in Pics

2011-01-23T10:44:00.000-06:00

Another snow storm but I thought this was beautiful

Mizzou Basketball!! Love it!

Early morning smile :)

Addie

Good morning Hazel!!

Pose!

Very intrigued with his hands!

Gonzo!

108.3 Pounds Lost!! Week #61

2011-01-21T15:40:00.002-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 61
Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 208.1
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 108.3
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: 2.7
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 33.1
Next Weigh-in Date: 01/26/2011

Week In Review

Music: ‘Home’ Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros

Some quick updates this week.

1. Lost 2.7 pounds this week! I’m still not at my lowest weight since I’ve started this program, which was 202.9. So once I reach that milestone I’ll feel so fantastic! The next milestone after that will be BEING UNDER 200 POUNDS!! WOW! Almost there!! Almost there!!

2. I feel a little more focused this week for some reason. Maybe it just took my mind a little while to stop fighting my efforts! I feel a little more determined and a lot more focused these last few days. I know that I’ll have my good days and my bad but these last few weeks have had A LOT of bad!

3. Been spending some time doing research about vacationing to Hawaii! My family decided this past summer that we should take a trip to Hawaii in 2012. My dad was stationed there in the Navy for 7 years so he’s always wanted to go back. And I would love to go there! It’s a long ways away but I’m already excited about it! Any type of trip with my family is the best! Any type of trip in general is the best!!

4. Speaking of trips, it’s almost time for Holly’s (my future SIL) bachelorette party in Nashville! I can’t wait!! We’re going to be shopping, drinking, going to BB Kings, Wildhorse Saloon, and enjoying all the girl time we can handle!! I’ll most definitely post some pictures once we get back!

5. Speaking of pictures, I took some “before” pictures last night of my stomach. HUGE problem area for me. And with any rapid, extreme weight loss, people tend to have extra skin in certain areas. With me, I’ve never seen what my stomach SHOULD look like so I don’t know if I have extra skin or if that’s where the extra 33 more pounds that I have to lose is at. So I’ve started a new routine at the gym. Honestly, I’ve only done it once and that was last night! BUT I will continue to do this routine every time I go to the gym. One of the trainers set it up for me. Its sole focus is the stomach and then I added in 50 push-ups. So I’m hoping that if I continue on with this routine religiously, I’ll know if I can actually change the way my stomach looks myself, or if I’ll have to look into other alternatives. I’m hoping that I can just exercise my way to a flat stomach!

6. I’d like to say that my last post inspired me to continue reading my books that I have but not a single page has been read since last week! Maybe I need to make that a New Years resolution…..Finish a freaking book!! I have about 8 books that I’ve started reading and then I stop after the first few chapters. Then if I pick it up again, I only read a chapter and then put it down. As well as the Marianne Williamson book ‘A Course in Weight Loss’, I recently ordered a book that was recommended to me in my comments. Its ‘When Food Is Love- Exploring the relationship between eating and intimacy’ by Geneen Roth. She is the woman who wrote ‘Women, Food and God’. But again, I’m on page 34 and haven’t opened it since!! I guess I can just never relax enough to read! I will finish them someday…….

7. I sometimes forget how much my emotions were effected the first time I went through this program. I definitely realize how horrible it was for those that were around me the first time though! They have definitely pointed it out to me this time! I can go from happy to pissed in a matter of 5 seconds! And I can see it too! The first time, I didn’t really get it. I just thought I was that sad and mad. The other morning I was almost in tears over nothing. Today I flipped out cussing over an email. I rant and I rave and then after I get done flipping out, I start worrying about what in the hell is wrong with me!! It is constant PMS. CONSTANT! If you’ve heard a rant of mine in the last few weeks, I apologize!! If you’ve dealt with one of my emotional outbursts, I apologize!! I’m trying very hard to realize when I’m flipping out for no reason. But again, I apologize for the next few weeks!! Hopefully I’ll start feeling a little better!

8. Just found out that I’m babysitting my nephew and niece tomorrow morning! That will be fun! Landon’s almost 5 months old and is just precious! This will be the first time that I’ve watched him since he’s been born. I’ll be able to get about 1,000 pictures of him and Hazel while I’m there! Hazel’s starting to pose for the camera now because I take so many pictures of her! HA!

9. As I was finishing my last run last night on the treadmill, my knee had a sharp pain through it like before. So I knocked the speed down and finished out the run. I only felt it once but I’ve decided that I’m going to take a break from the running for at least 4 or 5 days. I like the running workouts so much that I don’t want to have to stop because I’ve over-used my knee again. Plus I’ve got a lot of extra weeks built into my 10k training program that I can afford to take days off just for this reason.

10. My song inspiration this week is from this youtube video that I got off of my friends blog- Thanks Jill! HOME This is a single father and his daughter singing ‘Home’ by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros. And it couldn’t be any cuter!! They were also on Ellen the other day and it was even more adorable!

Quote of the week:

“Things always change for the better. Just Believe.”

105.6 Pounds Lost!! Week #60

2011-01-13T11:58:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 60
Starting Weight: 316.4
Current Weight: 210.8
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 105.6
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: 4.8
Pounds Until Goal Weight of 175: 35.8
Next Weigh-in Date: 01/19/2011

Week In Review

Music: Rascal Flatts ‘I’m Movin’ On’

Let me start by letting you all know that on 01/05/2011, I weighed in at 215.6. That was a 9.6 pound gain from my weigh-in on 12/09/2010. In my blog last week I said that it would probably be around 10 and sure enough, it was. I guess the positive part of all of this is that I’ve never gone under my 100-pound weight loss since I reached that mark. Yesterday, 01/12/2011, I weighed in at 210.8. Since I’ve gone back to my supplement program, my weight will be coming off a lot faster than it has for the past 7 months. My doctor and I discussed that I should be at my goal weight of 175 in about 9 more weeks. If it’s more, that’s fine. I’m also continuing with my running training so the exercise portion is taken care of. And the no-booze part! Which is nice and refreshing!

I mentioned a few weeks ago that my cousin gave me a book titled ‘A Course in Weight Loss’ by Marianne Williamson. I have just started diving in and really trying to take it all in. There was also an article in Oprah’s magazine in December that was called ‘A Weight Off Your Mind’ written by Marianne that was adapted from the book. It was such a great article. Basically the overview is that weight gain and weight loss is somehow centered around the premise that your subconscious is holding you back. Her description was that you have this brick wall built up around you. Each brick contains words such as shame, anger, fear, judgment, pressure, exhaustion, stress, heartbreak, etc. She feels that in order to deal with your weight issues, you have to break this subconscious brick wall down. I’m sure the book will REALLY dig down deep on this topic but the article did a great job of getting me intrigued and excited about reading the book. It’s about learning to love and forgive my “Not-Thin-You” in order to love and respect my “Thin-You”.

In the very first lesson of the book, she asks you to answer a few of the questions that she feels are written across those bricks that you’ve created around yourself.

Shame: I am ashamed of_________________.
Anger: I am angry at____________________.
Fear: I am afraid of_____________________.
Unforgiveness: I haven’t forgiven ________ for ____________.
Judgment: I judge _______________ for _________________.
Disdain: I feel disdain for_____________________________.
Excess responsibility: I am responsible for________________.
Pressure: I feel so pressured about___________________.
Exhaustion: I am exhausted because _______________________.
Burden: I am burdened by ______________________________.
Stress: I am stressed by______________________________.
Heartbreak: My heart is heavy because _______________________.
Injustice: It isn’t fair that I ______________________________.
Protection: I feel I need protection from ________________________.
Pride: I am prideful when _____________________________.
Selfishness: I am selfish when ____________________________.
Jealousy: I get jealous when ____________________________.
Greed: I get greedy when _________________________________.
Laziness: I am lazy when ___________________________.
Separation: I feel separate from _____________________________.
Dishonesty: I don’t feel that I can be honest about ______________________.
Arrogance: I am better than _____________________.
Inferiority: I feel not as good as __________________________.
Embarrassment: I feel embarrassed because ______________________________.
Self-abnegation: I have built this wall so that others won’t hate me for being beautiful and successful and seeming to have it all because __________________________.

I’ve said from the very beginning that I feel like this blog is my therapy. I know a lot of people read it. I know it’s personal. I know I sometimes say too much. But it helps me. And if it somehow helps someone else, then it’s all worth it! With that said, I’m going to be open and honest and answer some of those questions.

Shame: I am ashamed of my past in so many ways. Past relationships with friends, guys, co-workers, family. I am ashamed of my spending habits. I am ashamed of letting myself go all those years. I am ashamed of not being happier and healthier when my grandparents were still alive. I could go on and on about shame. This is an area that I need to work on.

Anger: I am angry at myself. Very angry. I think about how much “life” I’ve missed because I was overweight and unhappy. I am angry because I can’t get back any of those years. I’m almost 27 and it just makes me cringe to think about what I missed or didn’t get to experience because I was “unavailable” to everyone.

Fear: I am afraid of always regretting what I did and didn’t do in the past. I am afraid that I will go back to my old habits and gain back all of my weight. I am afraid that I have a long road ahead of learning about myself before I am fully capable of dating someone.

Unforgiveness: I haven’t forgiven the guys I feel have hurt me, the friends I feel have abandoned me, or the people in my past and present life that have made it hard for me to love me for me. This is another area that I need to work on.

Excess responsibility: I am responsible for all of my actions, good and bad. I am responsible for making my life what I want to make it. I am responsible for keeping this weight off.

Pressure: I feel so pressured about making something of my life. I don’t feel like anyone but myself adds the pressure. It’s not like my parents, family, and friends sit around expecting me to become white Oprah, but I do (to an extent!). I feel like I’m never doing enough. I feel pressure almost daily to become greater/better and almost daily, I have no idea how to fulfill that pressure.

Stress: I am stressed by way too much! Thus the reason I absolutely loved smoking! An instant stress reliever! But I am mainly stressed about what my next step is in life. Whether that has to do with my career, my address, my weight, my love life, etc. I’m stressed about the future and where I’m going to be in a month, year, 10 years.

Injustice: It isn’t fair that I have always and will always have to deal with weight issues. My body isn’t magically going to change. I will forever have to be concerned with gaining/losing weight.

Protection: I feel I need protection from my old self. Does that sound weird?! But really. I feel like I need an army to defend against my old habits and my old way of thinking. It’s like a vaccine. I have the preventative measures in place but if someday that old self comes creeping back in, I still have to fight it. Regardless of how much I weigh, how long I’ve maintained, etc. It won’t matter.

Pride: I am prideful when I think back to 316 pounds and compare it to today. It instantly makes me realize how proud I should be of myself.

Laziness: I am lazy when I start to see results. Once I see results, my mind wants to let loose. And most of the time it’s with the exercise. Laziness is a comfort zone for me. Sitting around doing nothing is comfort. Then you add in sitting AND eating, that is MAJOR comfort for me. So it’s weird when I finally see results, I want to immediately order food somewhere, put on pajamas, watch a movie, and eat. Like it’s a reward of some sorts!! It’s the opposite of a reward but in my mind, it’s the biggest gift I could give myself. I guess I need to delve into this more later! This is a big problem!

Inferiority: I feel not as good as the other weight loss success stories. Sometimes I’ve even lost more weight than them but sometimes it feels too easy. Sometimes I feel as if I still haven’t done anything THAT amazing.

Embarrassment: I feel embarrassed because I still don’t know how to have confidence at this new weight and this new image. I feel embarrassed because sometimes I act a certain way in order to cover up my weight but then realize that I don’t need to be like that anymore. And I don’t know how to handle that. I feel embarrassed about weddings, lake trips, birthday parties, vacations, social and family events that have occurred in the past. I feel embarrassed that I was so big at those events and that people have pictures and memories of me like that.

So as you can see, this book is going to really bring out some raw emotions but I believe that is where the true problem lies. I don’t think my weight is the problem. I mean obviously in terms of health and the scale, it is. But I believe that my weight is the manifestation of my internal problems and issues. And the sooner I can deal with those things, the easier it will be to deal with the emotional binge eating and the emotional binge drinking.

And just for Becky, here are some good new workout tunes:

Obviously Britney’s new song!! ‘Hold It Against Me’
Lupe Fiasco ‘The Show Goes On’
Dj Khaled ‘All I Do Is Win’
Rihanna ‘S&M’
Ricki-Lee ‘Can’t Touch It’
Usher ‘More’

Quote of the week:

Only as high as I reach can I grow,
Only as far as I seek can I go,
Only as deep as I look can I see,
Only as much as I dream can I be.
~Karen Ravn

My Week in Pics!

2011-01-10T15:02:00.000-06:00

Princess Layla Lou Bear AKA my old college roommate.
We had our good days and our bad days.

Walked around Marisa's property and took such great pics!

Can't wait to take this again in the spring!

The pups...

My favorite picture of the week

Holt, MO

Pose #1,768- That's all he did the whole walk! Sit and pose!

Boris- This guy is quite a character as you can see!

Bliss in a bottle

If only Landon would have looked and smiled! I'll keep working on perfecting this shot!

"PLEASE stop taking pictures of me while I'm sleeping!"

"Don't make me tell you again. I am QUEEN."

Happy New Year!

2011-01-05T13:26:00.001-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 59
Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 206.0
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 110.5
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: .04
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 21
Next Weigh-in Date: 01/05/2011

Week in Review

Music: ‘Changed it All’ Jennifer Hudson

Hope everyone had a great New Years! I am so excited for 2011! Most of the blogs that I’ve been reading are all about New Years goals and resolutions, of course. And most of them say something about losing weight, stopping smoking, the usual stuff. My one New Years Resolution is to somehow, someway prove to myself that I’m capable of making my life what I want to make of it. 2010 was just such a huge year for me in my life and I only want to exceed that for 2011. I have some specifics but I’ll share some of those things at a later date!

A couple quick truths:

1. I’ve gained weight since the last time I weighed in at the doctor. I’m going this afternoon so I’ll update you all next blog. According to my scale, it will be around 10 pounds. Sucks but that is the truth of the matter. I let myself go a LOT these last few weeks. And I didn’t really enjoy it.

2. After talking with my doctor a few weeks ago, I decided that starting TODAY, I’m going back to my full 5-a-day supplement program. I’m going to continue doing this until I feel like I’m at my goal weight. Right now I’m thinking 175. I would take 180 but why not just go for 175!

3. I am not drinking for a while. I know when we go to Nashville for Holly’s bachelorette party in mid-February I’ll have drinks, but until then, just focusing on getting these pounds off.

4. I started up again with the couch-to-5k training. I’ve completed this training schedule twice now but I am starting fresh again. After completing the 5k training, I’m moving on to the 10k training. I’ll see how I feel after that but it’s about a month before the Hospital Hill race. My goal is to run the 10k for Hospital Hill.

Things that I’ve learned in the last year:

1. Losing weight and maintaining weight are completely separate monsters. I sometimes forget the struggles I went through when I first started losing weight because the maintaining part seems to be the worst! I told myself that I was “trying” to lose weight but that’s a lie. I have been maintaining for about 6 months. And that has been so hard because I could have easily gained back all of my weight. I realized that because of my last few weeks of having a complete free-for-all! I’ve had Chinese take out TWICE in the last 4 weeks! I’ve had McDonalds breakfast….TWICE! I’ve had Taco Bell. I’ve eaten poorly at family dinners and social gatherings. I really let myself go. Most of these situations ALSO involved lots of alcohol and it was as if my old lifestyle was 100% back. I felt out of control, fat, depressed, sad, lonely, emotional. I think I really did scare myself these last few weeks because I could easily, EASILY see how I could gain back ALL of my weight. And it wouldn’t take that long either. Maybe a few months to gain back 100 pounds. But now I feel focused and more in control of my life. I think knowing that my size 14 jeans don’t fit anymore is enough to motivate me to never experience that again! I haven’t worn my jeans in the last few weeks because they just don’t fit!

2. Accountability with yourself AND others is extremely important. I am so thankful that I started this blog because I can’t just fall off the face of the earth. I mean, I can, BUT someone, somewhere will ask me about my blog and why I haven’t written in a long time. Accountability. Going to the doctor and facing the number on the scale EVEN IF I know it’s a gain and not a loss. Accountability. Talking with Becky and admitting that I haven’t been to the gym in a few days. Accountability. If I stopped blogging, stopped going to the doctor, and stopped contacting Becky about the gym, I would shoot so far back up to 316 pounds, it wouldn’t even be funny. If I know that I’ve gained weight and haven’t been to the gym as much as I’ve wanted, I can’t just give up. My mind tells me to do that because that’s how I’ve always handled weight loss or any “give-it-your-all-or-nothing” types of situations. But I think this is where people fail in their weight loss journeys. Gaining back weight is embarrassing, stressful, annoying, painful. My doctor said that on numerous occasions, the staff call and call and call people and they never answer their phone, never come back, and the next time he sees them, they’re back at their original weight. If they just had addressed the weight gain early on, maybe they wouldn’t be at that point again. I know everyone is different but I can totally relate to that sense of failure or remorse or disappointment when you look at the scale and it’s higher. ESPECIALLY after losing weight. ESPECIALLY after losing a lot of weight! It’s extremely scary. But it’s not just an internal, personal feeling. You want to hide it from EVERYONE. Especially those people that have been at the top of your support system throughout your journey. But if you don’t address it or acknowledge it, it will only get worse. I KNOW THAT. I FEEL THAT. My body is just screaming for me to give in and give up. Go back to my old habits and my old ways. But I’m not going to do that. It’s a constant battle to just keep going. Keep pushing. And I will.

Quote of the Week:

“Not to spoil the ending for you,

but everything is going to be okay!”

Picture Edition

2010-12-29T10:58:00.001-06:00

Finally bit the bullet and bought a new camera!! I am in LOVE! I have been taking pictures of just about anything and everything! Haven't made my way outside yet because it's been too cold but trust me, it's in the near future! Here are some of my favorites so far:

Deck the Halls

Holly has a great eye for flowers so this shot came pretty easy!

VERY blessed!

My family

Christmas Morning :)

Gracie Sue Sutton- Being relaxed which is rare!

So excited for Santa!

THIS GUY kills me!

Cheesey photo shoot at work on Christmas Eve.
If you have to work on Christmas Eve, you might as well take modeling pictures!

My "daughter" who has recently abandoned me for greener pastures
(AKA my mom and dad who give her treats, food, more treats, and more food!)

Helping Grandma make pancakes with her oversized apron!

Busy at work again! Downtown Kansas City

MIZ....ZOU!

Work......

The Soon to be SIL! Gorgeous!

I love her.....Can you tell??!!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-20T10:09:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 57

Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 206.0
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 110.5
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: .04
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 21
Next Weigh-in Date: 01/05/2011

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Music: ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’ by Judy Garland

Today’s blog was inspired by this website: http://whatmoneycannotbuy.com/ Christmas can get so overwhelming and sometimes people forget that it’s the things ‘That Money Can’t Buy’ that are really the most meaningful. Sometimes the stress and the expense and the calories can overshadow those sweet, amazing, magical moments that Christmas brings about each year. It’s about those “things” that go unmentioned. So with that said, I wanted to mention a few things ‘That Money Can’t Buy’ in my life:

1. Listening to my uncle Del singing on Christmas Eve.

2. Seeing my parents “Scratch & Rub” each night and realizing that they’ve been doing that each night for 31 years.

3. Tasting my grandmothers rolls and for an instant, feeling as if she’s sitting in the next room.

4. Knowing that my family is safe and sound at their own homes and not overseas.

5. Seeing a picture of Hazel and Landon sitting on Santa’s lap. They melt my heart.

6. Knowing that my family is healthy and that we don’t, unlike some families, have to spend the holiday visiting anyone in the hospital.

7. Singing at the top of my lungs to Mariah Carey Christmas music.

8. Looking outside at the first snow of the season.

9. Walking into my aunts house each year and experiencing all of those things that make Christmas…..Christmas! The smells. The lights. The tree. The music. The laughter. The family.

10. Knowing that each year, I get to experience these things all over again!

Hope you all have as wonderful of a Christmas as I will be having! I am blessed, blessed, and even more blessed each year and it’s because of all of you. Merry Christmas!

Quote of the week:

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.
~Norman Vincent Peale

110.5 Pounds Lost!! Week #56

2010-12-15T16:44:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 56
Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 206.0
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 110.5
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: .04
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 21
Next Weigh-in Date: 01/05/2011

Week in Review

Music: Glee Cast ‘Last Christmas’
If you watch Glee, this was one of the best episodes! The only other one to beat it was the Britney episode!!

Regarding Me:

1. Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve blogged. Normally I have some extra time at work but last week, things were just a little bit crazier than normal. Lots of changes in the near future. Hoping that they all will be good but right now, we’re all just taking it day by day! Trying not to get too stressed out and hoping for the very, very best!

2. I can’t wait for Christmas! It’s definitely my favorite time of year! All done with my shopping and looking forward to giving everyone my gifts! I think that’s the best part! Especially for my niece! Giving a 4 year old a present might just be one of the greatest things in life! Well and especially if she’s as cute as little Hazel! Landon is so young this year that I’m holding out on the toys and what not for next year. And of course, Raul being a 14 year old, Christmas is all about money or gift cards. The fun gets sucked out! So I’m taking the money that I’m giving him, getting all $5’s, and then adding in a little game in order for him to earn it! Gotta make it fun somehow! And I love messing with Raul so I’m looking forward to it! If I don’t blog before then, hope you all have a Merry Christmas!!!

Regarding Exercise:

1. So if you didn’t already notice, I weighed in last week and lost .4 pounds. Not good. Not bad. Just is.

Here is the break-down of my weigh-in’s the last year:

11/20/2009 316.5
12/02/2009 299.1
12/21/2009 283
01/25/2010 263.4
02/22/2010 247
03/25/2010 227.4
04/16/2010 220.8
05/24/2010 211.6
06/22/2010 208
07/29/2010 202.9
08/26/2010 202.9
09/30/2010 205.9
10/29/2010 205.9
11/30/2010 206.4
12/09/2010 206

So basically, I have been maintaining my weight loss for 7 months! From the doctors stand point, that’s a good thing. I’ve maintained a 110-pound weight loss for 7 months. I agree that it’s a good thing….to a certain extent. It’s also the very most frustrating situation because I KNOW why I’ve been maintaining and not losing. I KNOW that I can get these pounds off. I KNOW that if I just change up some habits I’ll get there. The problem is that I’m just NOT doing it! And as you can see from the numbers above, I’ve NOT been doing it for 7 whole months!!

2. On another note, are you freaking kidding me that this time last year I weighed 316 pounds??!! I still forget. I forget how HUGE that is. Huge in every aspect. Huge in the number. Huge in the lifestyle change. Huge in my emotional well being. Huge in my confidence. What a freaking year it has been! I can only hope that as much success as I’ve had in the past year, I can continue on into 2011 with that same amount of dedication to really live my life to the fullest. Not sure what that is going to bring about but I can only hope that my achievements haven’t stopped here.

Regarding Diet:

1. Starting January 1st, I am starting a month of no drinking. And starting January 5th, I will be moving back to my 5 supplements-a-day program. My hope is that by the end of January, I will be super close to my goal weight (if not at my goal weight) and be able to finally start the true maintenance stage. Being in a “maintenance” stage at 206 is just not where I want to be. So if you don’t see me for a month, you’ll know why! I’ll call it my “hibernation” stage!

2. My family is so amazing! I think that is quite obvious with all of my posts. The one horrible, no good, very bad thing about my family is that we like food. A LOT. And we like good food. A LOT. And we like being around each other, around food. A LOT. We all did a great job there for a while of only having healthy options at the dinner table or at family functions. But that has started to slack in the most recent months. It’s hard though. Sometimes it’s the convenience factor and we just order pizza. Other times, it’s just the simple fact that it’s the holidays and why not! Perfect example. We had our family over for a Christmas dinner the other day. Not one single thing on the menu was even remotely healthy. Not even in the slightest. But it was all so freaking amazing! Best food ever! I even made my Grandmothers homemade rolls, which were so good! But my point is that you can’t break away from traditions so easily. We are THAT family though. The family that everyone can only dream of having. The family that gets together at least once a week. The family that is so close that we can talk just about anything. Sometimes that gets my dad in trouble but it’s still the truth! My hope for 2011 is to start addressing this more and more with my family. We can all work together towards a common goal of becoming healthier. We all need it. The skinniest and the biggest. But until then, I’m going over to my aunts house on Christmas Eve and will be surrounded by what the angels call “HEAVEN ON EARTH!’ I’ll try and have a little bit of control! No promises though!

Quote of the week:

“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.”
~Jim Davis

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-30T10:25:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 53

Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 206.4
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 110.1
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: Gain of .5
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 21.4
Next Weigh-in Date: 12/09/2010

Happy Thanksgiving

Music: 'Were All In This Together' by Ben Lee
10 Things that I’m thankful for:

1. Holiday Traditions. We have such a close-knit family and each year, our only tradition is to just be there. Be surrounded by our loved ones. Get together and laugh and tell stories and make fun of my older brothers antics! Bring up old memories and make new ones. I love everything about the holidays because it includes the single most important thing in my life and that’s my family. I’m thankful for them each and every day.

2. Living with my parents. I love being able to sit around and spend time with them. I love being able to have talks about anything and everything and feel this sense of closeness with them. Even though I’m 26 and the connotation of “living with your parents” doesn’t really have a good ring to it, I truly feel so blessed to be given this opportunity at my age to really develop this close relationship with them. That’s something that I’ll never take for granted and feel blessed about each day.

3. Remembering loved ones. The last few holidays have been extremely hard. And not just hard but extremely sad as well. It seemed like this year, the sadness has started to fade. I don’t really know how to explain it but it’s just not so emotional. I didn’t feel like crying at every little moment. I didn’t feel the huge void that I’ve had in years past. In reality, it’s not that the sadness is not still there; it’s just not so damn painful. Instead of feeling like the table was missing our loved ones, it started to feel like even though we couldn’t see them, they were definitely there in our memories, our laughter, our smiles, our faces, and our thanks.

4. My occupation. Even though I had to work the day after Thanksgiving and complained about it for a whole month, I truly am blessed to have a job, work with such amazing people, get a paycheck, and to be able to enjoy what I do.

5. Running. Feeling that feeling that you can push yourself farther (further- whatever!) than you thought possible. I finished the Parkville Turkey Trot 5k in 34 minutes 17 seconds! Didn’t stop running the whole time! (well about 15 seconds over this bridge) It didn’t hit me until a few days later, just how proud I was of myself. What a fantastic feeling of accomplishment! I’ll most likely be blogging about this next week!

6. Meeting up with “old” friends that have now become “new” friends. Sometimes you grow apart from friends that you had in the past. The greatest blessing is when you re-connect and your friendship feels just as strong! I’ve recently been spending time with some old friends and I just love it! I’m very thankful for that and glad that we’ve all started to hang out again.

7. Watching Raul and Hazel (my nephew and niece) bring a smile to Landon’s face (my nephew-their brother). Landon has been starting to smile the last few weeks. But you can tell his smiles definitely get bigger when he sees Raul and Hazel! It’s about the cutest thing you can imagine! Melts my heart into tiny little vulnerable pieces!

8. Getting unexpected gifts. My cousin (actually my cousins cousin) (who is probably reading this right now!) is truly just one of the greatest, caring, sweetest, people that I know! It always surprises me when people give me presents that are so meaningful because I’m never sure if they know how much it TRULY means. She gave me the book A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson. Here is the description:

“What's the connection between weight loss and spirituality? New York Times best-selling author Marianne Williamson answers that question in A Course in Weight Loss, featuring 21 spiritual lessons for surrendering your weight forever. The lessons in this book will help you shift your relationship with your body and focus not on how quickly you lose weight but on how holistically you lose weight. "We all know that it's a spiritual issue to help you get your mind, body and spirit aligned," Oprah says. Get ready to begin a new relationship with food...and with yourself.”

I just felt like this was such a great gift! And of course there’s a cute little note inside that made me cry! But what an extremely thoughtful and amazing gift! This gift really means a lot to me and I cannot wait to read it! Thank you Ang! Love you lots and lots!

9. Feeling and being healthy. This is the greatest gift I have given myself so far in my 26 years of life. Looking back on Thanksgiving 2009 and Thanksgiving 2010, I am so thankful to be where I’m at psychically and emotionally.

10. Realizing that even if I only listed 9 things that I’m thankful for, my life is truly surrounded by blessings each and everyday, loved ones that mean the world to me, and a truly phenomenal life. I’m thankful for it all.

Quote of the week:

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
~Author Unknown

Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving!

110.1 Pounds Lost!! ONE YEAR LATER!

2010-11-16T15:33:00.001-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 52
Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 206.4
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 110.1
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: Gain of .5
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 21.4
Next Weigh-in Date: 11/24/2010

Week in Review

Music: Journey 'Don't Stop Believing' Cause I gotta!

Regarding Me:

1. I officially started writing this blog on 12/02/2009. At this point, I had already lost 17.4 pounds and was into week three of my weight loss program. This is an excerpt from my first blog:

“Problems with Week 2:

THANKSGIVING! Enough said, right??!! Food was surrounding me constantly! My parents house smelled like turkey for days. But the food really wasn't the big issue for me this week. I was full. My meals felt a little more scheduled and normal. Problem with this week was the emotional side of things. I just kept thinking "I'm actually doing this! I am actually going to succeed at this program!" . I've never (and I mean never) thought I was going to start a weight loss program and actually lose weight. I started thinking about the future and what changes are going to be made if I lose 50 pounds, 70 pounds, 90 pounds. I've given every excuse to losing weight.....UNTIL NOW. It was a big wake up call I suppose. I finally wasn't making an excuse and I was just doing it. Something switched in me and to be quite honest, scared the shit out of me! One whole day I spent in just a horrible funk. Cried about anything. People would ask me how I was doing and it was so hard to say "I'm doing fine." I was just scared, agitated, angry, sad, mad, everything all in one!

Learning Lessons of Week 2:

Week 2 was when the "Take it one day at a time" motto came into play. One night was just so bad that I just had to go home and be by myself. I just wanted to go to sleep so that the day would be over. Mornings were the best...nights were the worst. So as long as I could just fall asleep, one more day would be done. I learned that I'm not going to look back after I've lost 100 pounds and say "Man I wish I could have had some mashed potatoes and turkey on Thanksgiving!" I learned that pushing through leads to better things. Having the bad week really made me re-think a lot of things. I ALWAYS turn to food to "make me happy". I can't do that with this program. I learned that food DOES NOT IN ANY WAY make me a happier person. Hard realization when you never have stopped to think about it without cramming your face full of bad food. Food has ruined a big chunk of my life. It has made me have some of the worst days of my entire life (and I hope they truly are the worst times of my life once I look back in 40 years). I learned that each day is just a new beginning. Something to prove to yourself that you can accomplish whatever you want to do. Just one day at a time.”

It has been exactly 52 weeks since I started this program. This Saturday, the 20th, will be ONE FULL YEAR. Wow. One year ago, I weighed 316 pounds. I can’t REALLY explain what that means or how that feels to try and comprehend. I was an extremely unhealthy, EXTREMELY unhappy, 316-pound, 25 year old, smoker.

Honestly, I still have the same exact emotional struggles that I did 52 weeks ago, I’m just 110 pounds lighter. I still turn to food to make me “happy”. I still get scared sometimes thinking about how much my life has changed. Scared in a sense that everything is new to me and somethings I just don’t know how to deal with. Sometimes I still feel like I’m 316 pounds and am hiding under this blanket of weight. Trying to stay out of the limelight and distance myself from the attention. But then at the same time, I look in the mirror and am like “I am NOT 316 pounds anymore! WHY DO I STILL FEEL THIS WAY?????!!!!” It’s a constant thought each day. I am healthy. I have lost weight. I have lost A LOT of weight. I don’t have to hide anymore or feel so judgmental of myself. But with that said, it’s all still a learning process. There are people in the blogging world that have been at their goal weight for YEARS (after losing 100’s of pounds) and they still struggle. They’ve just taught themselves how to handle those struggles differently. It just becomes easier year after year. Month after month. Day after day.

So with that said, I’ll restate the title of my blog. One day at a time. (or one year! Whatever it takes!)

2. On a much lighter note. SOOOOO much has happened in the past year! My nephew was born. Friends got married. Weddings were planned. I went to Vegas, Nashville, Chicago, Bull Shoals, the lake, Lincoln, Columbia. Birthdays were celebrated. And still after all of these amazing, wonderful, exciting, fun, memorable events, by far the best thing that has happened in the past year was the whole experience of finally hitting that 100 pound mark. Weighing in at the Dr’s that morning with the most supportive, caring, loving nurse on the face of this planet and crying at my accomplishment. Walking into my brothers house and realizing that all of these people that I love so, so, so much were all there to celebrate this occasion that I never in my life thought would ever happen. Realizing after a few days that it was actually real and true and not just a dream. Getting a scrapbook that I can’t even begin to explain how powerful and meaningful it is to me. Realizing that I was never even close to understanding just how blessed I really am but I finally understood. Having this amazing memory of such a great moment in my life that will forever be life changing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Regarding Exercise:

1. I am still continuing my running training. And I absolutely love it! There is something about the amount of motivation and determination it takes to complete those runs that make me feel like Queen of the World! After I get done running, I just have this take-over-the-universe type of feeling! It’s gotta be the endorphins but it’s just so exhilarating. I’m excited to do the Turkey Trot run on Thanksgiving and RUN the whole 5k! That will be a great accomplishment for me! I do think that once I get to check that off my list (running a complete 5 k), bigger things will be waiting for me in the future. (Or at least that’s how I see it playing out in my head!)

Regarding Diet:

1. Here is a chili recipe (slash taco soup type of thing) that I have put together. I basically divide this equally into 10 separate portions, leave some in the fridge, and then freeze the others. One serving is equal to 350 calories. It definitely satisfies the comfort food desire! Nice and warm for the fall weather!

1 can Black Beans

2 cans Fresh Cut Green Beans

1 can Chili Beans Medium Sauce

1 can Dark Red Kidney Beans

1 can Red Beans

2 cans Diced Tomatoes

1 can Diced Tomatoes MEXICAN

Chili Seasoning Mix- Low Sodium

Large Yellow Onion

Green Onions

Garlic 3 Cloves

Shallot

2 Pounds Ground Turkey

10 Servings:

Calories 350.05

Total Fat 8.275

Carbs 46.15

Protein 26.65

2. I’ve been trying really hard to stay on task with my goals that I set out a few weeks ago. The NUMBER ONE problem has been the weekends. Like usual. This has ALWAYS and probably will ALWAYS be my number one problem. I do so great during the week. Then Friday and Saturday comes along and I just want to go wild. Eat anything. Drink anything. That “You only live once” mentality comes back to me and I start to think “Who cares if I go out and drink tonight?” “Who cares if I eat this?” “Will it matter in 5 years?” And I guess the simple answer is that no, none of my little tiny choices will matter in 5 years and no one cares if I drink or eat whatever I want. But my tiny little choices led me to 316 pounds. It was all of the weekends together of drinking and eating anything that I wanted that eventually put me into an area that it REALLY did matter. And I eventually did care.

A huge, huge, huge, gigantic problem for me is my “You only live once” motto. If you ask my friends, family, and co-workers, they’ve probably heard me say this numerous times. And I do agree that living your life to the fullest is the way to go. BUT it shouldn’t come in the form of debt or fat or addictions or regrets. “You only live once” BUT if you’re in debt, you’ll NEVER fully be able to enjoy the fact that you only live once. “You only live once” BUT if you’re overweight, you’ll NEVER fully be able to enjoy the fact that you only live once. I could keep repeating this for anything….drug addictions, promiscuity, smoking, gambling, etc. If I didn’t lose weight, I would have never known that this motto is only true, if you’re not using it as another excuse. I have never felt more alive, healthy, grateful, happy, and just so very thankful that somehow, someway, I lost those pounds that were holding me back. I just have to remember the true meaning of the motto and not let it send me back in the wrong direction.

Quote of the week: (From my very first blog)

“I learned that each day is just a new beginning. Something to prove to yourself that you can accomplish whatever you want to do. Just one day at a time.”

Randomness......(I promise I'm not drunk!)

2010-11-12T17:03:00.000-06:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 51

Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 206.4
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 110.1
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: Gain of .5
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 21.4
Next Weigh-in Date: 11/24/2010

This is not a quote but rather a deep thought that I have. The worst feeling in the world is knowing that something is just not right with either your job, your friends, your family, your significant other, etc. That sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach and that constant mental reminder that won't escape your mind for a single second.

The best feeling in the world is realizing that those things can be changed if you want them to be changed. Realizing that some things are in the past because that's where they were meant to stay. Realizing that year after year, those feelings do become easier to deal with because we've become smarter and wiser and older. Realizing that stepping out of your comfort zone, saying the things that are hardest to say, admitting to your wrong doings, saying you're sorry, accepting an apology, trying to move on, forgiving yourself, forgiving others, learning from the past, trying your best to make all things right........that is the best feeling in the world.

Letting it all go. Getting to a good place in your heart with anyone and everyone. So as I preach away, I'm going to do my best to get all my ducks in a row. Stop worrying about the stupid, stupid CRAP that doesn't matter. Stop making things difficult when it's just so simple. Stop taking people/places/things for granted. Life is too, too, too short. Just let it go.

Enough rambling! Happy weekend to you all!

110.1 Pounds Lost!! Week #50

2010-11-04T16:57:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 50
Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 206.4
Height: 5’11’’
Total Pounds Lost: 110.1
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: Gain of .5
Pounds Until Goal Weight: Changing to 185: 21.4
Next Weigh-in Date: Not sure yet- Maybe 3 more weeks

Week in Review

Music: Zac Brown Band 'Chicken Fried'

Regarding Me:

1. Pleased with just a half a pound gain in the past 7 weeks. This is even more of an incentive to get these last 21.4 pounds OFF! And gone for good!! I’m ready for a maintenance stage but not until I get to the weight I want to maintain. I don’t want to maintain at 206.

2. My girlfriends bought me an early Christmas present and we’re all going to see the Zac Brown Band on Sunday! On our annual Bull Shoals trip, we normally have a theme song and one year it was “Chicken Fried” so we all just have to go together! Excited to be going to a concert! The last one I went to was Mariah Carey in February, who is preggers by the way! That was way too long ago!

Regarding Exercise:

1. Started Turbo Tone last night and it’s a great class! It’s at the Liberty Community Center if any of you KC readers are interested. It’s an hour-long class consisting of weights, exercise ball, an exercise mat, as well as cardio. Basically your whole body is worked from top to bottom with a bigger focus on your stomach and arms. Which are my trouble areas. So Becky and I are doing this two times a week for an hour. Hopefully we’ll see some good results!

2. Signed up for the Parkville Turkey Trot 5k today! My goal is to finish the race without stopping. And I’m pretty confident that I can do that. Just gotta continue with the training and be confident that I’m totally capable of doing this.

3. Getting into a good groove at the gym. Everything is starting to become a little more familiar which definitely makes things easier.

Regarding Diet:

1. Like I said in my last post, I’m switching back to four protein supplements a day with just one large meal at night. Someone commented that I should move it to breakfast but for me, dinner is my incentive to being good all day. If I moved it to breakfast, I would most likely slip up later on. But I’m hoping that I’ll conquer the hell out of this and really see some results.

Don’t really have a lot to say this week other than the fact that I’m re-focused, re-vamped, and ready to kick this weight’s ass!

Quote of the week:

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...”

My New Years Resolution......Starting November 1st!

2010-11-01T15:26:00.000-05:00

When I first was thinking about starting my program last year, I kept saying "I'll start after Thanksgiving." "I'll start after Christmas." "I'll start the beginning of the year." My brother chimed in and said "Why not just start now?" So once he started convincing me that there will NEVER be a good time, I started my program one week before Thanksgiving. Which was exactly 50 weeks ago. There truly is never a good time to start focusing on a new behavior. There will always, always, ALWAYS be an excuse. So with a weigh-in coming up on Wednesday, celebrations behind me, I'm ready to start a new dedicated movement to lose these last 20 pounds. I’ve enjoyed my “freedom” these last few months but when it comes to long-term goals, I figured a year later I would definitely be at my goal weight. A year later will be November 19th and I’m still 20 pounds away from my “goal” weight. I want to get down to 185, which is exactly 20 pounds away from my weight the last time I checked in with the Dr. And since I’ll be weighing in again on Wednesday, it will be a chance to re-evaluate and get motivated. So why not start now?

Here is what I’m going to do in order to get these pounds off:

1. Move back into a four supplement-a-day program with just one full meal at dinner.

2. Limit alcohol to only one night per-week.

3. No shots. If I’m going to drink, I need to be realistic that I’ll most likely be drinking beer. I like it too much. So with that said, just no more shots. They add on so much extra and it’s really not necessary.

4. Exercise at least 5 times a week. I used to be religious about this but have struggled with this new routine, new gym, and new surroundings. Not an excuse but just a realization that I need to re-focus.

5. No snacking on anything unless it’s carrots! So if I know that we’re going to have an event or get-together, I’ll bring a bag of carrots. That will be my snack. NOTHING else. There will be a TON of these events in the next few months.

6. Allow leniency on days that I know will be a problem. These days will ONLY include Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Years. This leniency will include exercising twice as long the day off these events. On these nights, only one trip to get snacks and not just continual snacking ALL night. Just one trip. Several small bites of the menu. Not a large meal. Just tastes. And getting up the very next day and exercising for twice as long as I normally would and getting RIGHT back on schedule.

7. Realize that I’ve done this before and I can do it again.

I guess I can consider these last few months “maintenance” but I want to be maintaining a weight of 185. NOT 205! I am so ready to get under 200 pounds! And I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

I’ll post again after my weigh-in.

110.6 Pounds Lost! Week #49

2010-10-29T09:32:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 49

Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 205.9
Total Pounds Lost: 110.6
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: Gain of 3
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 15.9
Next Weigh-in Date: 11/03/2010

Week in Review

Music: Sheryl Crow ‘Leavin Las Vegas’

Regarding Me:

1. Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! My best friend got married in Vegas last weekend and let me tell you! This place kicked my ass! We all decided that it was the best trip we’ve ever taken and definitely my favorite! Lots of good stories and memories, some of which are better left unsaid! But Congratulations Kim and Ryan! I love you both!

2. The wedding festivities have kept me pretty occupied the last few weeks, which is why I didn’t post last week. But I did manage to go on another date though! It went VERY well. So much better than my first date! We went to the driving range, talked, talked, talked some more, and then went to dinner. It was a great date. Just kind of ended like “what do we do next”. I don’t think there was any chemistry other than a friendship type of connection. I did text him later that night and told him how great the day was but never received a response. So either he could tell that I wasn’t feeling it or he just wasn’t interested. Either way, I’m fine with it. It was a great date so I at least know that it’s possible! Again, just have to keep trying! Everyone is really encouraging with me and keeps telling me “You’ll met someone when you least expect it!” Ok higher power! I’m READY!

Regarding Exercise:

1. With my exercising, everything has been completely and 100% routine. Same gym. Same times. Same machines. Same workout partner. Same everything. Well the other day, our gym just completely shut down. No machines. No walls. Nothing. Just closed. So because of that, Becky and I had to go find another gym. I am ok with change ONLY if I personally want a change. But when something comes along unexpected, it really throws me off guard. And when I’m that attached to something, like the gym, it’s really hard to adjust to something else. So we’ve had to try out new machines, get used to new faces, and adjust to different surroundings. It basically pisses me off every time I walk into this new gym because none of it is the same as my old gym. There are some positives though. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Guys. And that’s about it! HA! I’m sure I’ll get used to it someday! Until then, I’ll just change in the shitty bathroom, get on the shitty machine, watch the shitty TV, and try to focus on the POSITIVE!

2. Becky and I also decided that if there is a dedicated time schedule for activity, we’re more likely to go. Plus in those instances, they’re normally classes, which means that we burn more and work harder because someone else is making us! So starting next Thursday, we’re starting a Turbo Tone class at the local community center. Becky knows a lady that is in the same class and says that it’s great. So that will be a dedicated hour-long class, two times a week. It will be good for my trouble areas such as my arms and stomach. Get those bad boys shaped up!!

3. Still doing my running training. Just not so hard core. The treadmills at the old gym had TV screens on top of each machine. This new gym, there are like 3 larger TV’s but it’s for the whole gym area. Which sucks. Every time I try and look up at the TV, I feel like I’m losing my balance. Before, I could just stare forward and actually be looking at the TV. So I’ve only run once at the new gym and am still on week #4 of my training. My end goal is to run the Parkville Turkey Trot 5k without stopping.

Regarding Diet:

1. For the first time in my 49 weeks of dieting and exercising, I’ve never completely fallen off the wagon. I did in Vegas. I literally told myself that I could eat whatever I want. And I did. I didn’t intend to but the second that we got lunch the first day we were there, there was nothing healthy to order so I just said “Screw it!”. Not a good thing to do but it happened. My scale doesn’t seem like it was affected too bad but since I weigh-in next week, I guess we’ll see.

2. It felt so amazing to get back on track after Vegas. I have never been more excited for greens beans and carrots in my whole life!! But I guess that is the whole point, right? If you slip up, get right back on it. If you want to eat bad one day, eat right the other days. I don’t like feeling so unorganized and unsure of my food choices. If I don’t have that set schedule and routine set up, it’s automatic failure for me. I have found out that the eating is definitely the hardest part for me and ESPECIALLY if my day doesn’t go 100% as planned. I just have to keep working on that. This for sure will never go away and will always be a challenge. Just have to figure out better ways to deal with things like vacation or food days or family dinners, etc.

Quote of the week:

“Las Vegas is the only place I know where money really talks--it says, "Goodbye."”

FRANK SINATRA, The Joker Is Wild

Self Image

2010-10-15T14:47:00.001-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 47
Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 205.9
Total Pounds Lost: 110.6
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: Gain of 3
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 15.9
Next Weigh-in Date: 11/03/2010

Self Image

Music: Another cheese song! TLC- ‘UnPretty’- Shout out to T-Boz!

I bet everyone can look back at their life and figure out the first time they realized that their looks were important. Or the first time they figured out that their clothes, hair, income, friends, cars, etc meant more to certain people than their personalities.

My defining moment was the summer before 6th grade. I joke about it often with my friends but in reality, it was the hardest year of my life. In our school system, 1st through 5th grade is elementary, 6th through 7th is middle school, 8th and 9th is junior high, and then high school. During elementary school I considered myself well liked, popular, friendly, pretty, well dressed, funny, and smart. I felt good about myself, basically. No judgments. No criticisms. I wore whatever I wanted without caring what others thought. I said what I wanted without caring what others thought. I was even dating one of the more popular guys during 5th grade. I felt pretty cool. So during the summer, I decided that I was going to get a new haircut. Went to good old Fantastic Sam’s with my father…. who, by the way, could have cared less if I decided to go bald or have zig-zags razored through my hair. At the time I went in to get my hair cut, I had longer, permed hair. At this point in my life, I didn’t care how my haircut defined me and I wanted to get a haircut like T-Boz from TLC. REALLY super cool haircut! REFERENCE:

In case you can’t tell from the pictures, her hair was short in the back and then two longer chunks in the front. Actually not a bad style at the time but for a chunky, red permed-hair, 11 year old white girl, not the best idea. So after Fantastic Sam’s chopped my hair off, it looked HORRIBLE. My mom flipped out. Flipped out on me for deciding to do something so drastic and then flipped out on my dad for not stopping me. (My dad probably didn’t even notice that I even got my hair chopped off!) So to “fix” my new haircut, my mom took me to get it re-cut, thus making it even shorter. I really wish I had the picture that I could reference but let’s just say, it is seriously bad! Not just a little bit bad…picture SUPER thick, SUPER permed, SUPER short, SUPER feathery, BRIGHT ASS RED HAIR! My friends pull it out every once in a while to make fun of me. I think even during college we might have had it up on the refrigerator for a while for everyone to laugh about when they visited! And honestly, it’s funny as hell…………..NOW! But then, it made me realize that my looks were so important. Not because I thought they were important. Because everyone else made me realize that it was important. TO THEM. I hadn’t changed. My hair did. That’s all.

My “friends” treated me like shit all summer. My “boyfriend” (I’m not sure you can really call them boyfriends when you’re in 5th grade!) broke up with me. And to top it all off, we were getting ready to start the most crucial part of any teenagers life…..middle school. This is when I truly realized that at this point in my life, looks were EVERYTHING. Wearing the right clothes on the right days (Yes- you read this right), wearing the right brand, having the right backpack, having the right notebooks, having the right friends, having the right extracurricular activities, and most importantly in my case, having the right HAIR. I went from popular to social outcast in the matter of one haircut. ONE HAIRCUT.

I spent the majority of my 6th grade year trying to wear the right things and be friends with the right people. Now that I think back, what a freaking joke! We were all stupid and idiotic but you had to try and play the part or be completely ostracized. And I was on many occasions. I got invited over to a girls house and later found out that the only reason I was invited was because everyone wanted to know if I was wearing Walmart jeans or not. And I was. And I didn’t see anything wrong with it. UNTIL THAT NIGHT. Then I begged and begged and begged my mom and she took me to get some Gap jeans. Because that’s what needed to happen for me to be “cool”.

After I spent many months of 6th grade trying desperately to regain my popularity from my haircut mishap, it happened. I started judging and questioning and nitpicking everything. My hair. My make-up. My jeans. My shoes. My shirts. My backpacks. EVERYTHING. It all began when I was 11 years old. I think that is extremely sad and disappointing but I think the same can be said for anyone, especially females. We begin to learn VERY early that we need to look a certain way to be accepted. And then we begin to judge ourselves. And the harshest judge eventually turns out to be ourselves.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is other than to point out that when I look in the mirror, when will I truly be 100% happy with what’s looking back? I have trained and manipulated my mind to be so critical and then you add in weight gain and a lot of it, and you’re left with a very, very, very distorted self-image. Now add in the weight loss and a lot of it, and again, you’re left with a very, very, very distorted self-image. After losing 110 pounds, you'd think it would be easy and I would absolutely love what I look at in the mirror. Totally not the case. So when do I stop judging? When do I accept the body that is in front of the mirror? When can I just be happy with all my parts and shapes and curves and rolls and see them as perfections, achievements, progress rather than imperfections and flaws? How can you un-train your criticisms that are now 15 years in the making? One day at a time.

Quote of the week:

“I may not be perfect but parts of me are pretty awesome!”

Stages of Change

2010-10-07T12:29:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 46

Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 205.9
Total Pounds Lost: 110.6
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: Gain of 3
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 15.9
Next Weigh-in Date: 11/03/2010

Stages of Change

Music: ‘Jesus Take the Wheel’ by Carrie Underwood

http://stagesofchange.blogspot.com/

So the other day, I came across the above blog. It’s written by an individual named Garrett E. Kelly from Pocatello, Idaho. His own description of his blog ‘Stages of Change’ is as follows:

“This blog will chronicle my ups and downs on a path to lose weight and become the person I want to be. I plan to accomplish that through dealing with addiction, changing my emotional connection with food, growing my personal strengths, identifying and lessening my weaknesses, working hard to do What Works, being good to myself, and always standing back up when I fall down.”

Garrett stated that when he first started his blog, he weighed 618 pounds. Throughout some of his posts, he mentions that he has lost over 100 pounds on three separate occasions. Gained it all back. Lost it again. Gained it all back. Etc. His last weigh-in was June 27th, 2010 in which he weighed 535 pounds. After I spent about 30 minutes reading all of his inspiring, extremely deep, thought provoking posts, I wanted to write him a note letting him know that I will continue to follow him and look forward to seeing what the future holds for his weight loss journey.

I went to his last post on July 8th, 2010 and started reading the comments. Garrett passed away on August 29th, 2010. He was 28 years old and passed away from heart failure. What a gut wrenching feeling. 28 years old.

His blog is truly amazing. He was funny. He was sad. He was strong. He was weak. He was struggling. He was honest. He needed to lose weight. He needed help. His struggles were the same as anyone that has ever dealt with being overweight or wanting/needing to lose weight. Every post stings right to the core. But for some reason, his journey ended too soon. My question is, what made my journey successful and his not? What made me change? What is the difference? What is the answer? How can his life be over because of his inability to lose weight? How can weight be such a life or death situation? Why are there not more resources available to help people? It’s hard to lose weight and make the right choices, that is a given. But the world around us makes it nearly IMPOSSIBLE.

I truly believe that one of the reasons that I succeeded on my program is that I secluded myself from every temptation that I possibly could. I stayed away from my friends as much as possible because I knew there would be food and alcohol. I stayed away from family dinners because I knew it would just be too hard. I went straight home after working out to avoid all the glamorous lights of the fast food restaurants. I would sometimes just go to bed in order to avoid those feelings of wanting to eat and thinking that I needed to eat. I avoided work parties so that I wouldn’t even be tempted. It’s an addiction just like any other addiction. There were a lot of internal issues to deal with but a lot of that had to do with outside temptations. Habits. Patterns. Routine. But the one thing that I learned is that no matter how much I avoided events or dinners or parties or what-have-you, my support system was still there. I had so many people helping me and sometimes they didn’t even know they were doing it. It is such an emotional journey and doing it alone is just unfeasible.

If you have some extra time, read his blog. If you struggle with weight loss, read his blog. If you want to be inspired and motivated, read his blog. It would be nice to know that even though this extremely amazing individual whom I’ve never met has passed away, his struggles can help out somehow or someway. No one is alone in his or her weight loss journey. There are numerous people out there in your same exact shoes. You might not know them or see them or hear them but they’re out there struggling just like you are. Get the support you need to succeed. Surround yourself with the right people, the right resources, the right motivators. Those things don’t come to you, unfortunately. You have to build those things around you. And once you realize that you’re not alone, you can step outside the weight barrier. It’s so much nicer out here than in there!

Quote of the week:

This is Garrett’s very first blog post on December 14th, 2008…

"Above are screenshots of three of the hundreds of weight loss related blogs I've viewed in the last 2 days. And those three have something significant in common with 95% of those blogs: they didn't last long. At all. The majority have been under 10 posts total, and then...nothing.

Years pass.

I feel for all those would-be bloggers because, like most people that have struggled with their weight, or the larger concept of trying to create long-lasting, positive change in their lives, I have been there. I've launched a thousand "brand new days". New plans, new strategy's, new beginnings, new classes, books, groups, living situations, diets, lifestyles, routines, etc, etc, etc.

It never gets any easier; failing at a new approach, which is hard because it's so much fun at the start. I once heard the nature of man described aptly as something to the effect of "Great at creation, poor at maintenance".

But, when it comes to human nature, another common theme is perseverance. So, in the interest of attempting to persevere, I am following in the footsteps of both those who failed and left their blog like a virtual ghost town, and those who triumphed. I am starting a blog to track what I plan to be a journey of weight loss and overall success in a life previously marked by failure.

Good luck to me, and to serve the double purpose of serving as a self-motivating final statement of this post, and a potential piece of advice to those who pass by here in the future if I too abandon my post: Never Give Up.”

110.6 Pounds Lost!! Week #45

2010-09-30T15:14:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 45

Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 205.9
Total Pounds Lost: 110.6
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: Gain of 3
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 15.9
Next Weigh-in Date: 11/03/2010

Week in Review

Music: 'Breaking the Habit' by Lincoln Park

Regarding Me:

1. The Biggest Loser has started once again and like I’ve said many times before, this show is my absolute favorite. To completely understand and relate to each of these individuals……it’s so powerful. I just get so emotional. Tears and heartache and pain and desperation. You can hear it in their voices and see it in their faces. Regardless of their physical appearance, you can see their disappointment. And they display it all over the television for the whole world to see. What an amazing thing to watch this process and transformation of people finally becoming the person that they’ve always wanted to be and realizing that they really COULD do it all along. Just takes a little hard work, determination, and believing in yourself. Can’t wait to continue watching this season! I'm rooting for Brendan this season! He's got the heart and he deserves it!

2. A few weeks ago I started the Kansas City Police Department Citizen’s Police Academy. It’s been pretty cool so far. Tonight we’re going to the departments helicopter and canine units. I’m glad that I joined because it’s definitely changed my opinion about cops. The only time I’ve ever dealt with cops was when something bad was going on (i.e. all my freaking speeding tickets!) I do think some officers get involved for the power trip aspect of the job but I have realized that in general, most of the department is there to help the community, stop crime, and make sure that we all can live in the safest environment possible. (And we learned last week that there is a whole department that solely handles those cops that live on the power trip and have to be reprimanded. And unfortunately that department is VERY busy!) But last week we were able to sit in on an awards ceremony. Most of the officers awarded had put themselves in super dangerous situations, had been shot, or were faced with near-death experiences and I realized “Thank god they’re out there because I would NEVER be able to do that!” I mean obviously that can be said for firefighters as well. I would NEVER run into a burning building. Even if I was getting paid for it! I think after this experience is over, I will have a brand new outlook. Officers don’t sign up to give out speeding tickets. They sign up because they’re extremely brave, caring, and dedicated individuals that want to make a difference. And they do.

3. Kim's wedding shower/bachelorette party was this past weekend! We had a blast! Marisa did a great job with the decorations and the planning and the everything! After the shower was over, the party bus arrived! What a night! I think all of us were still recovering on Tuesday! But the next stop is Vegas for their wedding! Can't wait!

Regarding Exercise:

1. Last week I went to the gym every single day. After my weigh-in, I really had to re-vamp my thinking. If I’m going to eat and drink certain things, then I really need to step up my exercise. I think it's a constant battle. Do you avoid eating certain foods all day and week long? OR Do you increase your exercise? The problem that I come across is the internal motivation. When I have someone else making me exericise (personal trainer, classes, kickboxing class), I work my ass off. But when I go to the gym and workout by myself, I do the absolute bare minimum. I think missing out on those extremely intense workouts also affects my mood. It's almost like toxins are being released and by toxins I mean all the daily bullshit and stresses that happen each and every day! So when I don't REALLY get a good sweat in, my body just doesn't feel right.

2. I tried the kickboxing at the Title Boxing Club. Let me tell you….it was the greatest experience ever! I loved every second of it! I have always wanted to try something like this out and I thought it was awesome! We wore actual boxing gloves and each person had their own individual boxing bag. It was great! I sweat like I've never sweat before! If you ever get the chance, go try it out! It's a fantastic workout! I debated for a while on joining the Title Boxing Club but the locations are just too inconvenient. And once things become inconvenient, it makes it easier to miss out and make excuses. NOT something that I need to do right now. Maybe in the future. Or if I can convince them to open a club in Liberty!

3. After looking at my finances, I realized that my personal trainer was just a little too expensive for me. I wish that I could continue going but when I already pay for a gym membership, it’s very expensive! My gym membership expires in a few weeks so my next thought is joining the community center. There is a pool, numerous fitness classes, and a gym that is about three times the size of my current gym. I’m going to check it out this weekend and see if I would like the atmosphere.

Regarding Diet:

1. Last week my scale went down to 200. Then on Monday, it was back up to 205! And all because of one day! For the last 10 weeks, my weight has been between 205 and 200. By Friday morning, it’s around 201. By Monday morning, it’s back up to 205-206. So obnoxious! WHY CAN'T THIS PROCESS BE EASY!!! It drives me freaking MAD! I just can't seem to get under 200 and stay there. I know it's just a number but COME ON! I'm ready. I've been ready for 45 weeks. I just can't seem to get there. I know why. I just can't get over the why not. Why not have this beer? Why not eat this or that? Why not take the night off? Why not just get off the elliptical at exactly 30 minutes? It's a mental game that I'm ready to stop playing. I want the magic answer. The easy fix. The quick fix. And that is where I'm at right now. The weight loss was fast and now it's SSSSSSLLLLLOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW. In reality, it's actually how normal weight loss feels. The weight watchers diet or the low calorie diet. And because I've only got about 15-20 pounds until my "goal" weight, it makes the process that make harder. If I were to eat and exercise at 316 pounds like I am now, I would have drastically lost weight. But now that I'm smaller, it takes that much more effort. I just need to MAKE the effort.

2. I’ve been incorporating a lot more protein items in my diet in the past week. I can tell a little difference in my hunger level but not enough to be totally convinced. The absolute worst part of the day is between 1 and 3pm. The second worst part of the day is between 8-10pm. In my "old" life, these were the times where I went to Scooters and ordered a grande mocha and a chocolate chip cookie. These were the times that I got a huge Pepsi and 2 bags of sunflower seeds. These were the times that I would drive Mya to Sheridan's so "Mya could get a puppy cone!" when in reality, it was an excuse for me to get something as well. These were the times that I made popcorn and then melted butter and brown sugar together and drenched over the top. Ahhh, owning up to these gross and disguesting habits really makes me want to scream. But those days are over. It's just that my body is so used to craving something at those times. I also think that it has a LOT to do with my old cigarette habits. I never bring that up but my schedule during the day was really strict when it came to my smoking. And between 1 and 3pm was ALWAYS my smoke break time. And at night, I was always bored so the best thing was a cigarette. I always analyze my habits around food but I'm starting to realize that along with the food habits theres the cigarette habit as well. Maybe over time my body will adjust and this new lifestlye will become the habit. I guess that's what we all hope for. Never to resort back. But I think it takes years and years. Not just 8 weeks like studies show! Habits can be broken but they're always there! It's the willpower and the internal motivators that keep them from coming back.

Quote of the week:

The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.
~Eng's Principle

110.6 Pounds Lost!!! Week #44

2010-09-21T13:38:00.099-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 44
Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 205.9
Total Pounds Lost: 110.6
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: Gain of 3
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 15.9
Next Weigh-in Date: 11/03/2010

Week in Review

Music: Coldplay 'Fix You'
Inspired by www.bendoeslife.com

Regarding Me:

1. Those "Before" pictures KILL me. How do you ever get over the fact that you used to look like that? I really never thought I looked that bad. For my friends shower, we printed off all of these old pictures of her and all her friends. What really sucks is that all my pictures are of me at 300 pounds. But I mean, what do I do about that? People will forever have pictures of me at my worst. I don't know if it's embarrassing for me or if it's just a realization of how your mind can totally manipulate reality. I NEVER thought I looked that bad. Ever. Even this weekend some of my friends brought up pictures they have on their phones of me. It was shocking. I just kept saying "Oh my god!" But it's not like I can erase those pictures! They're memories that we all share and things that took place that I never want to forget. It's just so hard to look at those images of my body and remember how unhappy I was and how uncomfortable I was. Why, oh why, did I EVER let myself be that big, unhealthy, and unhappy for so long??? I guess if anything, they'll be a constant reminder to stay healthy, push myself harder, stay focused, and try to live life to it's fullest.

2. Been on a stand still now with the online dating thing. I think sometimes I get really excited about meeting someone and then other times I just don't really want to bother with it. It might be because of the people who "wink" at me or send me emails! Sometimes they're 18, sometimes they're 50, sometimes they have no teeth, sometimes they have 6 children, sometimes they're 5'6'', and sometimes I feel like emailing these people and saying "Having your hands form a heart around your pee-pee area WILL NOT attract a woman!" Well, let me be realistic.....I'm sure there is some real classy lady out there that is a 100% match for this guy! She probably hangs out at Power & Light every weekend! HA! I just wish it were easy but Kansas City is the number one worst city for singles! I don't know what those statistics are based on but the second worst city is Wichita, KS which isn't too far away! The best place for singles is Austin, TX! That sounds appealing!

Regarding Exercise:

1. I AM SO EXCITED! I am trying my first REAL kickboxing class at Title Boxing Club on Wednesday! Your first session is free and you use real boxing gloves and bags and everything! Problem is that a monthly membership for a one year commitment is $70 a month. And that is the CHEAPEST program they offer. I have a feeling that I am going to absolutely love this class but dang! $70/month is $840/year! If I really wanted to continue I would have to cancel my gym membership AND stop the personal training. Regardless, it will still be a fun thing to try out!

2. I was slacking for a while on my workout planning. If I don't plan it, I will never do it. So this weekend I completely re-vamped my schedule so that my workouts can get fitted in. And considering that my weekend is filled with drinking, I will need those workouts. And a lot of them!

3. I think I've said this numerous times before but when I first started exercising the elliptical was so hard for me. And that was without any resistance. I realized the other day that when I have the resistance on 5, I am barely sweating in. When I have it on 8, I am starting to sweat. So I came to the conclusion that I have completely conquered the 1-10 range and need to keep my resistance on 10 throughout my whole workout program. I think the highest it goes is around 18-20 so I'm getting pretty good on this thing! Which makes me so freakin happy! What used to be so hard for me is now something that I have to try to MAKE harder!

Regarding Diet:

1. I’ve started a whole new approach to my snacking problems. I looked up snacks that were super high in protein and actually healthy to be eating. I found that beef jerky, even though it’s high in sodium, is a great low-cal, high protein snack. And I love beef jerky so it works. One ounce of Jack Links Teriyaki beef jerky is 80 calories, 1 gram of fat, 5 grams of carbs, 600 milligrams of sodium (ouch!), BUT 14 GRAMS OF PROTEIN! I also found some Old Wisconsin turkey sausage bites that are amazing. 8 pieces are 107 calories, 6.7 grams of fat, less than 1 gram of carbs, and 9.3 grams of protein. And since I have such a high addiction to bananas, I decided that I was going to add in some peanut butter and a banana to my breakfast. I got Jif’s reduced fat, creamy peanut butter and 2 tablespoons is 190 calories, 12 grams of GOOD fat, 15 grams of carbs, and 8 grams of protein.

2. Before, my snacking was consisting of a lot of carbs that I wasn’t even aware of without any form of protein…..which leads to extreme hunger ALL day. For example, one cup of banana chips is 32 grams of carbs and only 2 grams of protein (let alone the high calorie, sugar, and fat count). Or my Vics gourmet yellow popcorn….2 cups was 12 grams of carbs and only 3.2 grams of protein. If I can realize that snacking is a problem, then I can start figuring out the solution. So hopefully all of my high protein snacks really make a difference in my hunger level throughout the day.

3. My main goal until my next weigh-in is to stay below my weekly calorie allotment. Each day I allow myself 1,168 calories to consume so for 7 days that is 8,176 calories. That is without any form of exercise so if I skip exercise, it’s REALLY hard to stay under that many calories. With all that is going on until my next weigh-in, this is going to be very, very, very hard. We have a party bus this weekend for my best friends bachelorette party, a few girls nights for different jewelry parties, work girls night out, my best friends wedding in VEGAS! for three nights, her Kansas City reception, Halloween, AND a trip to Lincoln to visit my family! I mean honestly! How in the world am I going to be able to stay below 8,000 calories for each week! Exercise is the only key to this equation. I know that all of these events will be including alcohol, which is the biggest downfall to any diet or weight loss plan.

Quote of the week:

"If you want to do it.........
all you have to do is do it."
http://www.bendoeslife.com/

110.6 Pounds Lost!! Week #43

2010-09-16T11:04:00.001-05:00

Landon

Family Feast BEFORE

Family Feast AFTER!

Me and Hazel

Deanna Rose Feeding the baby goats

Peanut Butter and Chocolate CupCake

After the festivities!

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 43

Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 205.9
Total Pounds Lost: 110.6
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: +3
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 15.9
Next Weigh-in Date: 11/03/2010

Week in Review

Music: Tom Petty- ‘Won’t Back Down’

Regarding Me:

1. If you didn’t already notice, I gained 3 pounds since my last weigh-in 7 weeks ago. I knew that was coming based on my scale at home so it was no surprise. It was the very first time in 43 weeks that I have had a gain and NOT a loss at my weigh-in.

So let me start by stating ALL of my excuses: family dinners, birthday celebrations, Bull Shoals, work food days, stress with work, stress with friends, stress with finances, and to top it off, a week long vacation.

Now, let me explain the truth of the matter.
One pound is equal to 3,500 calories. So in the past 7 weeks, I have consumed 10,500 more calories than what my body is burning naturally and/or with exercise. That’s an extra 1,500 each week, which means an extra 214 calories each day. (I know I’m getting technical here but this is the logic) Here is where those calories are coming from……

I snack WAY too much. So much that I don’t even realize that I’m adding in so many extra calories. Which leads to a weight gain over a long period of time. Once I left the Dr yesterday I went back through my food journal and realized that a few of the past weeks, I went over my calorie allotment by a few hundred calories. That includes snacking at family get-togethers, which I used to never allow myself to do, or snacking on leftovers at my parents, which I used to never allow myself to do, or snacking at work, which I used to never allow myself to do. When you add in those extra few hundred calories that is going to cause a weight gain.

I have started drinking WAY too much. Went out this past weekend and started with the shots. I don’t do that anymore. In fact, I think I’ve probably only had one shot in the past 43 weeks. So on top of the shots, I’m allowing myself to drink beers every once in a while when I go out. I would guess that I’m drinking at least one time a week. And when that happens, I try my hardest to stay away from the beer. But over the past 7 weeks, I haven’t completely stayed true to that. And again, over the course of 7 weeks, having a few nights of going over my calorie count with beer is going to cause a weight gain.

I have been missing workouts at the gym. Again, I could make excuses for this but I’m not. I used to make it to the gym EVERYDAY. But I am just going to re-group, re-plan, re-focus. If I can stop making the excuses (they will ALWAYS AND FOREVER be there) and start addressing how to make things better, the pounds will come off instead of on.

2. Sorry for missing last week’s post. I was on vacation for the whole week and spent most of my time just doing absolutely nothing! Which was so nice! Took Hazel to Deanna Rose in Overland Park, went to see Nanny McPhee which was adorable (cried like 4 times!), and the rest of the time just laid around. I did start my citizen’s police academy class last Thursday. It’s a program that I found out about through a co-worker. It’s a 10 week program that is from 6-9pm every Thursday. You basically get to see the inside tracks of the Kansas City Police Department which includes accident investigation, media relations, canine operations, helicopter operations, crime lab operations, hostage negotiations, gang and drug enforcement, etc. And it’s all free. My one big hope for this program is to meet a super hot police officer or firefighter! I kid, I kid. I’m here to learn! HA! HA!

3. Last week was my friends 1 year wedding anniversary. And before I start talking about what happened, I wanted to tell her CONGRATULATIONS! I promise that I won’t bring this up EVERY SINGLE YEAR! I love you both and hope you had a great time celebrating! I hear she might have gotten a new coach purse so that’s always an added bonus! But looking at my calendar and thinking about how much has changed in a year, really added some perspective to my everyday life. Instead of looking at myself as this number on the scale, I have to look at myself as the difference between this number on the scale and the number that WAS on the scale 43 weeks ago. Sometimes I get too caught up in seeing all the faults, all the time. I get sidetracked when I start thinking about how much more I need to lose, how I want my arms to look, how I want my stomach to look. I sometimes forget just how far I’ve come and what my body used to be like. It’s amazing what a year can do for your life.

Regarding Exercise:

1. The personal training is really showing some differences. I can tell in my arms, shoulders, torso, thighs, and calves! I’m writing this right now before I go weigh-in, but I have a feeling I will have gained weight. (I did obviously!) But the funny thing is, I think my body looks the best that it ever has so far. I feel like I’ve gained back a significant amount of muscle that I lost during my protein fast. (I could add this to another excuse of why I gained 3 pounds but that’s just setting me back further if I don’t just address the ACTUAL problems) But my clothes look better, my pants are looser, and my overall shape just looks tighter.

2. Music is the greatest motivator for me to exercise. When I download a new song, I instantly feel like running and sweating and exercising like crazy! My newest download is Usher’s “DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love”. Some other instant motivators include The Offspring “The Kids Aren’t Alright”, Eminem “Love the Way you Lie”, Paramore “Misery Business”, Taio Cruz “Dynamite”, Kevin Rudolf “I Made It”, Tyrese “Mayhem Take Me Away”, and MANY others! If you all have any good workout songs, I would love to hear them.

3. I did another run last night and it sure did feel good! I absolutely love blasting my music super loud and just running! The problem is my knee again. And this time it’s the opposite knee that was causing problems a few months ago. I don’t feel like I’m pushing myself too hard considering that the last time I ran was probably a few weeks ago. And my legs should actually be a ton stronger because of the personal training so I’m just not understanding. Maybe it’s the treadmill. Maybe it’s my shoes. Maybe I just need to look like a complete nerd and where braces on both my knees if I run! It just feels so good once I get on the treadmill but then after I’m done, I feel like I’ve hurt myself. I’ll give it another break and try again some other time.

Regarding Diet:

1. I’ve been strongly considering switching out my protein supplements (that I pay lots of money for at the Dr) to various protein supplements that are at GNC or similar stores. Do any of you have any good recommendations on protein supplements? Either shakes or bars? My trainer thinks that Metr-X brand chocolate chunk is one of the best. I haven’t tried those yet because they weren’t at the grocery store. She did say they were at CVS though. I am guessing that they contain more protein but have higher calorie content. Once I try them, I’ll let you all know how they are.

2. I was on vacation all last week and the hardest part about the whole week was being bored and wanting to just snack and eat. I didn’t have anything to snack or eat around the house so I didn’t. But it’s so hard to tell myself that I’m not actually hungry in anyway, just bored. I do so well when I’m on a schedule so being “off” that schedule for a week was HARD. It’s safe to assume that the number one reason that I LOVE work is because it’s a routine! Coming up with that number two reason might take a little more time! It was a nice break but being back in a time schedule really helps.

3. I pulled a scene out of the “Hangover” on Saturday night so Sunday I wasn’t feeling too well! But because I was hungover, I REALLY wanted to eat badly on Sunday. So I did. I went to Jimmy John’s and got the #10. And the skinny chips or whatever they call them! I ate it peacefully and enjoyed every bite! I actually was getting so unbelievably full that I had to make the effort to keep eating. Why did I not stop eating even though I was full???? Couldn’t tell you. But my total calorie count for my meal was 1,002 calories! That was for my #10 sandwich and my little bag of chips! Ridiculous. So because I ate like that, I skipped dinner. Harsh way to handle things but I still didn’t want to go over my calories that I allot for myself each day. I knew I had completely gone over based on the alcohol the night before. I REALLY wanted to eat whatever I wanted to but then I snapped back into reality and saw that little glimpse of my past that included Jimmy Johns for lunch, sunflower seeds and pepsi and whatever else for snacks throughout the day, and then Chinese for dinner! So instead of completely falling off the wagon, I just slightly fell off the wagon. And then got back up the next day.

Regarding the blogging world:

1. There is a new “Stats” section on the Blogger dashboard. It’s pretty cool. It shows you who has viewed your blog, how many people, and also where they’re located. I’ve had 2,141 from the US, 62 from Canada, 51 from Australia, 12 from the UK, 10 from Denmark, 5 from China, 5 from Germany, 4 from Bulgaria, 4 from Japan, and 3 from Russia! How cool is that! Hi to you all out there!

2. http://greigedesign.blogspot.com/ This is one of my favorite design websites.

3. http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/ This one is good because it includes celebs AND fashion! Sometimes good and sometimes bad!

4. http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/ Great pictures.

Quote of the week:

I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.

113.6 Pounds Lost!! Week #41

2010-09-02T14:12:00.002-05:00

First Picture- December 2006; Second Picture- August 2010

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 41
Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 202.9
Total Pounds Lost: 113.6
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: 3.4
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 12.9
Next Weigh-in Date: 09/08/2010

Week in Review

Music: Dave Matthews ‘Baby Blue’. In honor of James’ birthday. We miss you.

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/baby-blue-lyrics-dave-matthews-band.html ]

Confess, your kiss still knocks me off my legs.
The first time I saw you was like a punch right through my chest
and I will forever, 'cause you'll forever be
my one true broken heart, pieces inside of me and you'll forever, my baby be.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
your blue, blue world, you're my baby blue.

Confess I'm not quite ready to be left.
Still, I know I gave my level best.
You give, you give, to this I can attest
You made me, you made me.
You and me forever, baby.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
in your blue, blue world, you and me forever.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
in your blue, blue world, you and me forever.

Regarding Me:

1. My nephew is here! Landon Matthew was born on August 30th and is absolutely adorable! It amazed me with my niece when she was born because I never realized I could love someone so much! Last night I went to sleep with this exhausted feeling. Kind of when you go through something so emotional that your body just wears out. That’s how I felt. And it wasn’t because of sadness. It was because I already experienced this crazy love for Landon. Just looking at him and holding him was beyond words. Yesterday, as I was looking around the room at my amazing family, seeing Raul so proud and mature, watching Hazel in pure amazement at her “new baby”, glancing over to see Nancy and Matthew smiling, looking at how tired my parents were because they had been at the hospital the ENTIRE time because they wouldn’t have missed a single moment of this experience, watching Luke and Holly and realizing that soon enough this will be them, and finally looking down at this tiny, wonderful, beautiful, little guy, that had just entered the world, I realized that I am truly the most blessed person!

Regarding Exercise:

1. Monday was my 7th personal training session. Before we started, we did measurements. So for 6 sessions, I lost the following:
Shoulders-.5 inch
Chest- .5 inch
Waist- 1.0 inch
Mid-1.75 inches
Thighs-.25 inches
Knees- 1.75 inches
Calf-.25 inches
Arm- .25 inches
That is a total of 6.25 inches lost! I asked her where I would most likely see the results the fastest and she said my knees. Weird, huh? But look at the measurements! An inch and three quarters off of my knee! So strange! But the sessions are going well and I’m going to keep going!

2. There are these ab workouts that I’ve encountered numerous times in my life. The first time I came across these guys, I was in 8th grade volleyball. Surprise, surprise! Another horrible thing I remember from volleyball! But the exercise involves 2 people with one laying on the ground and the other standing over their head (one foot beside each ear). The person on the ground holds onto the ankles of the person standing. The person standing takes the other persons legs and throws them as hard as they can towards the ground. The point of the exercise is the person on the ground can’t let their feet touch the floor. And then they bring them pack up only for them to be thrown back down again! It’s a great workout………..if you are strong enough to do it! Which I have NEVER been strong enough to do. My best friend and I also did a class in December or January and I couldn’t do a single one of these things! So the other day, my trainer immediately says “Get on the ground and grab my ankles!” OH NOOOOOO! She doesn’t realize that I won’t be able to do this! Not even for a second! I’ve never been able to and put that in my “Never going to happen” file. So she starts off and throws my legs down. What do you know???!!! They came back up! They never touched the floor and they came right back up! And then she proceeded to do that 39 more times! I did 40 of these freakin things! FORTY!!!!!!! I was so proud of myself! These are the moments where I truly realize that I’ve changed. My body completely proves my mind wrong! I love when that happens. It’s like these little mental blocks just get blown away, never to be seen again!

3. I coach under 6 soccer and am just starting this week. I enjoy it because the kids are so stinkin cute but also because it’s an hour of unintended exercise, twice a week. Basically I’m just running around chasing 4 and 5 year olds for an hour! We don’t get much accomplished other than “Don’t spit!” “Don’t hang on the net!” “Don’t hit him!” “Don’t throw grass!” and a few “If you can hear me, clap twice!” But it’s a great way to get some much needed exercise without even knowing I’m getting any!

Regarding Diet:

1. Started another obsession the other day- Banana chips. And now that I’ve gone completely overboard with eating them, I am now banning myself! I have this huge snacking problem. I find something that I like (i.e. edamame, yellow popcorn, wasabi soy almonds) and then I eat it like I’m a starved dog! The snacking is a problem. It probably adds around 300-400 calories a few days a week to my diet. I’m still staying under my daily calorie expenditure but somedays I go over JUST BECAUSE of my snacking. Thus the reason that I’ve now completely BANNED myself from banana chips. Why spend the whole day eating my “normal” food and exercising just to cram a bunch of calories down my throat. I sure do enjoy all of my snacks though! That I cannot deny. I just hate those calories that come along with it!

Regarding the blogging world:

This week I’ll give a shootout to all the girls that continuously comment on my blog and always add that little extra “umph” of motivation. Thanks girlies!

1. http://walkinloveliness.blogspot.com/

2. http://bee620.blogspot.com/

3. http://theconyerschronicles.blogspot.com/

4. http://reachingonderlandwithhcg.blogspot.com/

Quote of the week:

Ending with something funny! If you haven’t watched Family Guy, then this will not be near as funny!

Peter Griffin [holding crying baby after Carol has given birth]:
“It's a beautiful baby girl!”
Carol Pewterschmidt:
“Ooh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!”
Peter Griffin:
“But she has a penis. Well, we'll have to do something about that” [Picks up scalpel.]
Lois Griffin [taking scalpel away]:
“Peter, no! It's a boy.”

Family Guy
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113.6 Pounds Lost!! Week #40

2010-08-26T14:24:00.000-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 40

Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 202.9
Total Pounds Lost: 113.6
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: 3.4
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 12.9
Next Weigh-in Date: 09/08/2010

Week in Review

Music: “Be OK” by Ingrid Michaelson

Regarding Me:

1. FIRST DATE. Well. Let me start by saying that I’m so glad that I finally got over that “first date” fear. Like I’ve said in previous blog entries, my dating life is non-existent. So basically last Wednesday was my actual, first, “real” date. I met this guy through match.com. After we got to talking, I found out that he had lost 100 pounds about 3 years ago and was new to the whole dating thing as well. We had a crazy amount of similarities and we texted and emailed for about 2 weeks straight. So we finally decide that we’re going to meet up for a date. MY FIRST DATE. I have never……and I mean never……in my life been so nervous. I truly didn’t think I could actually go through with it. But I went and met him and we chatted for about an hour and half. Really nice guy. Really good conversation. But absolutely, 100%, no attraction. He was extremely feminine in more ways than one. Just not my cup of tea. What I had in my mind about him and the date was COMPLETELY different than what him and the date were really like. I just thought that there was no way I was going to go on this date and not like him. Just did not expect to leave with a completely opposite reaction. After the date was over, he asked if I wanted to go out again and I think I said something like “Yeah I’ll text you” or something like that. I just wanted to get the hell out of there! Luckily for me, I was going to be on vacation the whole weekend so I had an excuse not to contact him. But he did send me a text on Sunday asking how my weekend went. I just had to let him know that I wasn’t feeling it. Monday, I send him an email. “Nice to meet you……good first date……wish you all the best…….but there was just no connection…..”. I think that was a pretty good response. Later that night, he finally responds. I’ll actually quote it for you:

“No problem. I kinda felt the same way. I have went so long being single to just give up and settle now. I also wish u the best of luck finding someone down on ur level”

First of all…..what an asshole! Second, what does “down on ur level” mean????!!! Am I really that bad of a person that he would be giving up and settling with ME????!!! What a dick! (Excuse my language family!). But come on! There was no need to respond like that. I could have taken my email in a totally different direction and responded back “I hope you find the MAN of your dreams some day” but I didn’t. I kept it classy and nice and to the point without being mean. I just left it alone after that. No reason for a response back. So the first date experience was a bit dramatic. But with my life, I expect no less. I didn’t expect something normal, it never is. At least that first date is over with. Lessons learned from my first “real” date:

A. If I’m going to continue with the online dating thing, I need to talk with someone on the phone before meeting them. This last guy would have been a no-go just from his voice.
B. Have no expectations. Mine got completely blown out of the water.
C. RELAX. I was making myself crazy just because I was so nervous.
D. Keep trying. My first true love will not just fall in my lap.

2. My nephew is going to be born on Monday morning. Nancy has a scheduled c-section so he will REALLY be here on Monday morning around 8am! I am so excited to meet Landon Matthew! Pictures will definitely be coming next week. It’s also my fathers birthday…I have a feeling that this will be his favorite birthday celebration to date!

Regarding Exercise:

1. I am on week 3 with my personal trainer and love every second of it! Little expensive on the pocket book but it’s totally worth it! My sessions are one hour and within those 60 minutes, every muscle is worked from the top to bottom. I can see greater definition in my calves, thighs, and shoulders so far. We took measurements on my first visit and will taking them again on Monday. I’ll make sure and post those results next week.

2. Finally am able to go to kaerobics tonight and can’t wait! I’ve had to miss the last 2 weeks and am not happy about it. It’s been nice this week to be 100% back on schedule.

3. The fall is coming and I have a feeling it’s going to make me want to go outside and run. I think I’ve given my knee enough time to heal. The last time I ran was 06/28/2010 (thanks to my iphone for remembering!). And adding in the strength exercises that I’ve been doing with my trainer, I feel like my legs will be able to handle the running a little better. I’m going to start off slow and not push myself like a crazy person.

Regarding Diet:

1. I went for our 5th year vacation to Bull Shoals last weekend and had a blast! Drank way too much! But I brought my own food and didn’t snack too much. I mean, I snacked A WHOLE lot more than I ever do but not a crazy insane amount like my old lifestyle. When I weighed myself on my scale on Monday morning, I hadn’t gained any weight. Woohoo! Once Sunday came around, I hopped right back on my normal food schedule.

2. Someone asked me the other day if before I dieted I liked diet pops. I didn’t. I LOVED big, huge Pepsi’s! My all time go-to snack was a huge pepsi and 2 bags of sunflower seeds. But now that I’ve banned the regular pops, I LOVE diet pops. I actually crave a diet cherry Dr Pepper or a Diet Wild cherry pepsi. The same goes with everything else in my life. If it’s not diet, non-fat, fat-free, low calorie, etc….I will not buy it. I have completely changed my habits in the grocery store. I see something I like. I pick it up. Immediately, I flip it over and start looking at the nutrition label. If I want cheese, I get the fat-free. If I want chips, I get the low-fat. If I want ice cream, I find the lowest calorie. It’s all about those simple choices that all save 100’s of calories. Calories that you don’t even know you’re missing.

3. I keep reading these blogs and people will talk about how much they binged over the weekend. Or one night they just went overboard and ate everything in site. I sometimes try to convince myself that I REALLY want Panera or Chinese or Mr Goodcents. I try to talk myself into getting something off-plan each week. “Just go through Taco Bell and order what you want.” “Just stop by and get Sheridan’s.” “McDonald’s would be easy and good.” And the only reason that I cannot make myself do it, is because I KNOW how many calories I will be eating. It doesn’t even sound appealing once I start thinking about it. I WANT to binge eat. I WANT to eat whatever I want to. The only thing stopping me is that I know have the knowledge telling me “That sandwich that you’re eating is 900 calories!” “Those French fries are 400 calories!” It’s not enjoyable at all. So to this day, I have still not enjoyed Panera or Chinese or Mr Goodcents or McDonalds or Taco Bell or Sheridan’s. Now I did enjoy my Dairy Queen blizzard but it still sucked afterwards to realize that the smallest, tiny amount of goodness just set me back 360 calories! It made the rest of the night seem like a big failure. I do want to enjoy a meal at some point without thinking “Oh my god! How many calories did I just eat!”

Quote of the week:

"Treat people as you would like to be treated. Karma's only a bitch if you are."

113.6 Pounds Lost!! Week #39

2010-08-17T16:16:00.001-05:00

Number of Weeks in “Losing” phase: 39
Starting Weight: 316.5
Current Weight: 202.9
Total Pounds Lost: 113.6
Pounds Lost at Last Weigh-in: 3.4
Pounds Until Goal Weight: 12.9
Next Weigh-in Date: 09/08/2010

Week in Review

Music: I’m pulling a cheese ball move right now with the music but bare with me! It’s Mariah Carey “I want to know what love is”. It’s just how I’m feeling!

Regarding Me:

1. Fairly quick post this week. Lots going on! It’s my oldest brothers 33rd birthday today! So Happy Birthday Matthew! He doesn’t read my blog or else I would post something amazing about how much I love him and how much he means to me! But in case he someday reads this, I love you brother! Thanks for always having my back when we were little (beating up Luke) and even today (intently listening to EVER detail about any potential guy that comes into my life and questioning EVERYTHING about it!) Thanks for bringing my first true love (and soon to be second) into this world, my sweet little niece Hazel Tallula. And thanks for being my “roommate” while we lived downtown, the splinters in your hand, the orange spray painted dots in your room, the constant cracks and jokes that leave my stomach hurting, Jaegger bombs on St Patty’s Day, the best car trips I’ve ever been on, and for loving me from the very first day I was born. Happy Birthday! I love you lots.

2. I am officially going on my first “REAL” date tomorrow! I am super excited but at the same time so completely nervous that my stomach has been hurting for the last few days!! More to come later on this subject! Don’t want to start blushing over him just quite yet! (But trust me- I hope that I get to on next week’s post!) Any words of advice or encouragement are greatly appreciated!

Regarding Exercise:

1. My personal trainer is kicking my ass! I was going to sugar coat it but I’m just being honest! My arms hurt. My legs hurt. My back hurts. I feel muscles I didn’t know existed. I get cramps in places I didn’t know I could. The funny thing is, I am absolutely LOVING it! This girl is going to turn me from drab to fab in no time!

2. Had to miss my second week of kaerobics last week……Finally got a new car!! It’s a 2006 Pontiac G6 and I’m in love! It’s amazing what a beautiful looking car does to your esteem! I feel like a million bucks! But back to kaerobics….I have to miss this week too because I’m going to Bull Shoals with my friends. This is our 5th year going and we truly have a blast. Lots of memories each year so I’m looking forward to some more! Once I get back, it’s full speed ahead on the exercise.

Regarding Diet:

1. I made an amazing chili recipe last night. It’s packed full of protein and is quite healthy. And yummy! I will get all the details put together in case anyone would be interested in making in it. But it’s good!

2. For the past 2 months I have been gushing over an M&M Blizzard at Dairy Queen. I have no idea why but if you ask my co-workers, I talk about it at least once a week! The other day, we took my new car and drove to Dairy Queen. And I had the best M&M Blizzard that I have EVER had in my life! Even though it was “mini” sized, it still had 360 calories! But I switched everything up as far as exercise and other food during the day just so that I could fully enjoy my blizzard! And it was completely worth it!
Quote of the week:

Too much work, and no vacation,
Deserves at least a small libation.
So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses,
Work's the curse of the drinking classes.
~Oscar Wilde